Unlocking the Secrets to Leading Your Marriage

WEBVTT

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Unpolitically correct opinion.

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Gentlemen, you need to lead in your marriage and women would love you to actually, by the end of this episode of the fallible man podcast, I'm going to hand you five keys.

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Deleting your marriage effectively.

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It's time to step up, show up, get intentional and lead your marriage.

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Because every day you're writing the storage of your story of your marriage.

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And if you wait till the end to fight for your marriage, you've already lost it.

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Let's get into it.

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Here's the million dollar question.

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How do men like us reach our full potential growing to the men we dream of being while taking care of our responsibilities, working, being good husbands, fathers, and still take care of ourselves.

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Well, that's the big question in this podcast.

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We'll help you answer those questions and more.

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My name is Brent and welcome to the Fallible Man Podcast.

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Gentlemen, if your marriage is struggling, unless you just married a really low value woman from the start, there was an absolute mistake from the get go.

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Then you're carrying the bag on the responsibility for the declining marriage.

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Yeah, sure.

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She's, she's not perfect and I'm not dismissing her role in your marriage.

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Women are responsible in the U.

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S.

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for instigating 70 percent of divorce proceedings.

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However, there's a reason they're leaving the relationship.

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While some of that is definitely on them, we also carry Responsibility as well.

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And probably more, a lot of men just stopped showing up for their marriage.

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Even fewer actually lead their marriage.

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The way we solve the problem is by taking responsibility and ownership of absolutely everything we can.

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And there's plenty in our marriage for us to grab onto and claim responsibility for.

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By the way, my name is Brent and welcome to the Fallible Man podcast.

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Your home for all things, man.

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Big shout out to our regular listeners, Fallible Nation, and a warm welcome to our first time listeners.

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Hey, if this is your first time here, thanks for checking us out from the bottom of our heart, we mean it.

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I know there's a lot out there competing for your attention, and I appreciate that you're giving us a chance.

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Be sure and connect with me at the Fallible Man on most social media platforms, particularly active on Instagram.

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Let me know what you thought of the show.

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I'd love to hear your feedback.

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Also, if you really enjoy the show.

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Share it with somebody who needs it.

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That'd be great.

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That helps us get out there.

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Or you can leave us for you on Apple podcasts, focus back.

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I know that we live in an era where women say we don't need men.

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Even some talking out their ass about men having no value and being completely unnecessary.

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Funny thing is the extremists in the world of men say the exact same thing about women.

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Guess what?

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Both groups are kind of stupid.

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It doesn't take Andrew Huberman or Jordan Peterson to tell us that men and women complete each other, right?

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Two halves of a whole.

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It certainly doesn't require a rock of scientists to realize that men and women have always flourished better together.

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There's a lot of history to look over to prove that marriage is a powerful and beautiful thing.

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When you marry the right person, you can both absolutely thrive.

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Now I have a lot of theories about why a lot of people aren't thriving, but that's a whole nother conversation and we won't get into that today, but I promised you five keys to help you lead your marriage.

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And have the kind of marriage you want because men really, women want us to step up and lead our marriage.

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They may not know it or they may not want to admit it, but they absolutely do.

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If a healthy thriving marriage is what your goal is, the men here are five keys leading to leading that marriage to happily ever after.

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Number one, You have to lead yourself more effectively.

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Men get sloppy in marriage really quickly.

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I'm not just some guy talking out the side of my ass.

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I've been married for 23 years.

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I haven't always done it perfectly, but my wife and I have made it to 23 years.

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And I'm looking forward to 23 more and God blesses with whatever he gives us more beyond that.

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I'll be completely thrilled with that.

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I got some experience in this and it's just a fact I did.

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I absolutely did.

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Let me be honest about that.

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I got sloppy about my marriage early on too.

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We somehow seem to snap out of a hunting mode because we got one.

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We, we, we got one.

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Woo.

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We're done, right?

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We can get fat and lazy now.

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No, this is a huge mistake.

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You may have got one, but if you want to keep one, it's time to lead yourself.

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When she got involved with you, you were much likely.

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Let me rephrase that.

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When she got involved with you, you were likely more physically active, more physically fit, more ambitious, more adventure of interests.

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And you were going somewhere, right?

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You have plans.

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We're going to do things.

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You had a future.

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Why did that all go away when we got married?

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Sure.

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I mean, life started, right?

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You fell into a routine in this new, exciting world of being young marrieds, woo honeymoon phase.

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Yeah.

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Young marriage is a lot of fun and everything's new and fascinating and crazy and well, you married an amazing woman, right?

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That's why you said I do to her.

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Cause she was an amazing woman.

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Now you have a hugely beneficial piece to making all those ambitions.

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You had really take off because an amazing woman with you.

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It's just going to compliment that journey, but we can't deviate from it.

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Right?

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That's the problem is we lost our way from where we were with that.

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So here's a list guys.

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Some, just some absolutes, take notes, whatever you want to do, get in shape or get healthy, stay in shape.

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However, whatever your position is, maybe you're younger listening to this.

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Maybe you're older.

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Stay in shape, get in shape, whatever.

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Your health is everything.

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Get off the couch and get active.

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This is too, we have way too many screens in our lives.

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And guess what scientific research, I don't know how scientific you can call it, but research is telling us the more research you read on this, they're making you miserable.

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The facts are in folks.

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Screen time is making you less happy.

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So there's a one more reason to get off the couch and get active.

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Go back to that pickup game with your friends, get out of the house, go do things together.

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Three, make plans to achieve those ambitions and get to work.

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Never stop moving forward.

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You had a plan when she met you and she loved that plan.

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That's why she got involved with you.

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Promise you it wasn't because you're pretty.

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Number four, put.

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Knowledge in consistently, never stop learning.

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Yes.

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I slowed way down for that one, but knowledge in your head, consistently books, podcasts, seminars, classes, whatever your thing don't ever stop learning for date, your wife or five is five dates, your wife, no matter what.

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One of my friends and mentors always introduces himself when he's on a show or something like that, as.

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Still dating his wife.

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And it made a huge impact on me the first time I heard him say it, because like, wow, I dropped the ball on that.

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Like I stopped dating my wife years ago.

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This alone will make a huge difference in your marriage.

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Pursue her always with a greater fervor than when you first met.

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Lastly, hold yourself accountable to all these things.

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Put your own feet to the fire, get disciplined about it.

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This is the, these little six points right here on just leaning yourself more effectively.

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It's going to make you hugely more attractive to your spouse.

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It's going to make your life better.

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It's going to move the needle in massive ways.

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I mean, honestly, I could probably drop the mic right there on just as one stage alone.

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That will make you more desirable to your spouse and make your marriage better because just that leading yourself more effectively Will absolutely make your marriage better But I would love to share four more things that will make your marriage even stronger If you apply apply them to lead your marriage if that's okay with you.

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I hope that's okay Okay, if it's not you know what those six little things are going to help massively and you can balance but I got four more and I promise All these things together will help you lead your marriage the way you were meant to lead your marriage.

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It'll make your marriage so much better.

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The second thing we want to talk about is communicate and uphold your boundaries.

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One of my most unpopular opinions of all time is that we all crave boundaries and guidelines.

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Like everybody fights me on this idea.

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Like everybody fights against this idea, but it's factual.

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It's part of the human condition.

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We want to understand our place in this world.

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And one of the ways we do that effectively is understanding our boundaries and knowing what our expectations of us are.

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Now, this doesn't mean that you rule the roost and set all the rules and she does what she's told.

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This ain't the 1860s.

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That's not a real marriage these days.

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Lead the conversation though.

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Sit down with your spouse and establish joint expectations for your marriage.

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Joint expectations that are going to make your marriage thrive and be better goals and ideals.

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Set down what your roles are, her roles are, and what those expectations and boundaries are for your marriage.

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Work on them together.

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What are her expectations and boundaries for y'all's marriage?

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What are yours?

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How do they compare?

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How do they fit together?

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How do they lead to your bigger relationship goals that you hopefully have already sat down and talked about?

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If you haven't add that to the list, sit down and talk about your big goals as a married couple.

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Once you establish this information, keep those, keep those.

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That's right.

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That's setting expectations and upholding them and those boundaries.

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Keep both of you accountable towards those expectations and boundaries you've set up together for your marriage.

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If you slip, be the first to admit it and apologize.

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address how you'll get back on track and what you're going to do to make sure you don't slip again.

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If she sets out of those boundaries, we're not talking like stepping out relationship wise, like just the boundaries that y'all have set for this is how our marriage works.

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These are our expectations for each other.

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If she steps out of those boundaries or expectations, lovely point her back towards your joint planning goals and how her current modus operandi isn't necessarily in line with what y'all agreed to, to achieve those goals together.

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Re evaluate these boundaries and these expectations every six months, because they're going to change, grow, and expand just like your marriage.

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Number three, hear and understand your spouse.

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This accounts for a lot of nails in a lot of marriage coffins.

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Our communication skills as men struggle often because we never learn how to effectively communicate with our spouses in their individual ways.

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Now I've done a lot of episodes, just aren't communicating with your spouse.

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So I will leave you to dig into those on, if this is a pain point for you, your spouse has a specific way to communicate best and most effectively.

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Learn it, live it, love it.

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Learn to listen more than you talk.

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Stop thinking of your response to what she's saying while she's saying it.

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Practice your listening skills that you were taught back in grade school.

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Look at her, ask questions when appropriate, repeat things back to make sure you understood and heard correctly.

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Don't, don't, don't try to fix it unless she asks you to be mentally and physically present when you are communicating.

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Don't be playing on your phone or fidgeting and don't be thinking about other things.

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Be present mentally and physically making your wife feel air quotes, feel heard and listen to does amazing things for your marriage.

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Gentlemen.

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I mean, it's powerful.

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Okay.

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Your wife feeling heard and listened to.

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It's so important to her and she isn't even beginning to be able to communicate that with you.

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For more reference, really?

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I've done entire episodes just on communicating with your spouse and I'll tag one towards the end of the show.

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How's that?

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Number four, serve your wife.

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When you got married, you probably said something to the effect of for better, for worse, rich or poor and sickness and health.

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The love and the cherish.

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Can we focus on the love and cherish for just a minute?

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Does your wife feel, air quotes, feel loved?

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Does she feel cherished?

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Do you?

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Do you even know what cherished means?

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Because most people don't.

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So I looked this up.

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Cherish is defined as to hold as dear, treat with tenderness and affection, foster, nurture, support, and encourage, shelter fondly, nurse and caress.

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Cherish.

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Cherish.

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Cherish.

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To give physical comfort or pleasure to invigorate, strengthen, warm, hence to provide for entertain hospitably.

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That's cherish, right?

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Kind of a lot, but that's cherish.

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What are you doing to cherish your spouse every day?

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How are you serving her needs emotionally, mentally, spiritually, socially?

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Yeah, that's the thing.

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Materially, intimately, Right now, depending on where you're at in your marriage, maybe you've got to roll in the hay every afternoon because you're still newlyweds, or maybe you're down to once or twice a week, or God forbid, twice a month, whatever your situation is, right?

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Are you tending to her needs intimately?

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And I'm not just talking like doing it guys.

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I'm talking like when you're together, are you tending to her intimately?

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I did a great show with Susan Bratton on this and Sarah Rose, like go find those episodes.

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They great episodes on this socially.

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Like that's actually a thing.

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Your wife.

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wants to feel pursued and loved when you're out and about.

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That's part of part of the whole relationship thing is identifying that you have a relationship, right?

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So are you affectionate with her in public to her comfort level and to yours?

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Do you hold her hand?

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Is she obviously claimed as yours?

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Not like a dog, man.

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Don't think throw a collar on her unless that's your thing.

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But how are you tending to those needs?

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Do you know what our level languages are?

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What are our favorite colors, flowers, books, music, movies, candies, foods, restaurants, who are our friends?

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What are her deepest wants and dreams?

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What are her deepest fears?

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What would she do if she could do anything and money wasn't in question?

00:17:16.164 --> 00:17:26.835
Now, full disclosure, this is something I'm working on every day and intend to keep working on every day for the rest of my life because my wife, she's a changing being, right?

00:17:26.854 --> 00:17:36.815
She grows, she changes, but I was sitting in a marriage class with her and I know exactly what her love languages are, but we got into things like what her favorite colors and flowers and books.

00:17:37.914 --> 00:17:38.964
I had most of those.

00:17:39.065 --> 00:17:40.954
We got like books, music, movies.

00:17:40.954 --> 00:17:42.484
We watched a lot of movies together.

00:17:43.194 --> 00:17:44.565
I can't tell you what her favorites are.

00:17:46.654 --> 00:17:51.144
My wife is a foodie, so I can't even begin to tell you what her favorite food is, or her favorite restaurant.

00:17:51.964 --> 00:17:52.444
Right?

00:17:52.684 --> 00:17:54.105
This is an ongoing process.

00:17:54.144 --> 00:17:55.263
23 years of marriage.

00:17:55.294 --> 00:17:56.963
It's an ongoing process.

00:17:57.814 --> 00:18:02.214
Serve your wife, make her feel cherished, make her feel loved.

00:18:02.763 --> 00:18:04.194
Take care of her needs.

00:18:04.534 --> 00:18:05.845
This is huge.

00:18:06.569 --> 00:18:08.509
And this is part of leading your marriage.

00:18:09.380 --> 00:18:12.890
Number five, cast a vision for the future.

00:18:13.880 --> 00:18:16.460
Are you sharing a vision for the future with her?

00:18:16.940 --> 00:18:19.259
What it looks like, how are you going to get there?

00:18:20.130 --> 00:18:22.430
What that trip looks like, where she fits in that.

00:18:23.209 --> 00:18:24.130
Can I tell you a secret?

00:18:25.500 --> 00:18:26.279
Come real close.

00:18:26.950 --> 00:18:27.659
Let me tell you something.

00:18:28.288 --> 00:18:34.640
Part of the reason she said I do is she could envision a future with you.

00:18:35.720 --> 00:18:38.170
She already had an idea of what that was going to look like.

00:18:39.960 --> 00:18:44.410
When you're casting a vision for your future together, make sure she knows.

00:18:45.319 --> 00:18:50.690
Make sure you know, sorry, how I'm saying this badly.

00:18:50.700 --> 00:18:51.569
I'm getting tongue tangled.

00:18:53.109 --> 00:19:02.949
Make sure you know her so deeply that her vision of your future together, she saw, like I said, she saw it before she said I do, or she wouldn't have said I do.

00:19:03.460 --> 00:19:13.710
Make sure you know her so deeply that her vision and that you're communicating with her is part of the vision you are casting together because it should be a joint thing.

00:19:14.329 --> 00:19:19.378
You should both be putting into this, but you need to be casting that vision of the future.

00:19:19.734 --> 00:19:25.664
Because if you've lifts into her and you've served her, you already know what she sees and what she's dreaming of.

00:19:26.795 --> 00:19:29.285
Women require a man with a future.

00:19:29.605 --> 00:19:35.704
That's why so many men losing their ambition after they get marriage is so devocate devastating.

00:19:36.324 --> 00:19:38.784
We go back to that, leading yourself more effectively.

00:19:39.884 --> 00:19:42.894
So many men have this huge ambition.

00:19:43.180 --> 00:19:45.420
When they're dating, but then they get married and something happens.

00:19:45.420 --> 00:19:47.190
And we all just kind of like, let it fall apart.

00:19:47.729 --> 00:19:51.269
As we struggle through life, we get lost in the minutia.

00:19:52.250 --> 00:19:55.599
Women value a future and envision, and they married you.

00:19:55.599 --> 00:19:58.959
Part of the reason they married you is they could envision that together with you.

00:20:00.589 --> 00:20:05.460
So you losing that ambition or letting it go is devastating for your marriage.

00:20:05.858 --> 00:20:11.509
When I say cast a mission vision, I mean, draw a grand fricking dream, dude, aim for space.

00:20:11.519 --> 00:20:13.749
Then at least you fall short and still hit the sky.

00:20:14.990 --> 00:20:16.089
I'll tell you one more secret.

00:20:16.849 --> 00:20:17.299
One more.

00:20:17.910 --> 00:20:18.230
Ready?

00:20:19.470 --> 00:20:37.798
If you never hit that shooting for the Star's Vision, as long as you've been working on a real, actual plan to get there, if she's a good woman, she will be content to join you on that journey together, even if you never quite reach it, because you put in the effort to get there with her.

00:20:38.180 --> 00:20:42.329
You tried, you never gave up trying to reach that vision y'all had together.

00:20:43.759 --> 00:20:45.250
It's good enough most of the time.

00:20:46.009 --> 00:20:48.119
Don't stop trying, for goodness sake.

00:20:48.980 --> 00:20:50.585
But, Really?

00:20:51.144 --> 00:20:52.044
With a good woman?

00:20:52.744 --> 00:20:57.724
As long as she can see that you're trying to strive for that future that you're broadcasting that y'all dreamed up together?

00:20:59.019 --> 00:21:02.349
She's in man, she's in, but it's important.

00:21:04.440 --> 00:21:09.650
Gentlemen, the keys to leading your marriage effectively have been laid out before you in this episode of the fallible man podcast.

00:21:11.339 --> 00:21:14.099
It's not about asserting authority.

00:21:14.200 --> 00:21:19.119
It's about taking responsibility, showing up and being intentional with your role as a husband.

00:21:20.199 --> 00:21:28.970
First and foremost, recap, lead yourself, set the foundations for a thriving marriage, stay physically fit, maintain your ambitions, never stop learning.

00:21:29.319 --> 00:21:33.279
Date your wife relentlessly and hold yourself accountable for your actions and your decisions.

00:21:34.315 --> 00:21:37.144
Communication and upholding bounding boundaries are crucial.

00:21:37.704 --> 00:21:41.355
Establish joint expectations with your spouse and keep each other accountable.

00:21:41.875 --> 00:21:44.554
Actually listen to and understand your partner's needs.

00:21:44.845 --> 00:21:47.183
Communicating in a way that will resonate with her.

00:21:48.105 --> 00:21:50.494
Serving your spouse is an ongoing commitment.

00:21:50.993 --> 00:21:56.055
Cherish them in every aspect of their being and strive to meet their emotional, mental and spiritual needs.

00:21:57.085 --> 00:21:59.075
Finally cast a vision for the future together.

00:21:59.505 --> 00:22:01.424
Women want that vision.

00:22:01.424 --> 00:22:10.253
They want that future aim high, dream big, and include your partner in this vision ambitions, attractive and working towards a shared goal strengthens the bond between you.

00:22:11.034 --> 00:22:16.464
Remember marriage is a journey, not a destination by embracing these principles.

00:22:16.513 --> 00:22:21.255
You can lead your marriage to greater depths of fulfillment and happiness than you ever thought possible.

00:22:21.585 --> 00:22:25.605
So step up, gentlemen, lead your marriage with strength, love, and purpose.

00:22:26.394 --> 00:22:28.305
Now I told you guys, I wouldn't leave you hanging.

00:22:28.609 --> 00:22:31.349
for more on communicating with your spouse.

00:22:32.490 --> 00:22:36.450
And because I didn't deep dive on that, because I have so many times, I told you, I'd give you an episode.

00:22:36.779 --> 00:22:42.079
So be sure and check out how to improve your relationship with ease using these seven communication techniques.

00:22:43.219 --> 00:22:55.660
And I'll link that down in the show description, or I'll be here on the screen in a second, if you're on YouTube and for serving your spouse better, check out my episode, how to revitalize your dead marriage bed with cast Morrow.

00:22:55.980 --> 00:22:57.759
It's actually one of my all time.

00:22:58.138 --> 00:23:00.959
Most downloaded episodes of this entire series.

00:23:01.244 --> 00:23:02.684
In four and a half years of doing it.

00:23:03.253 --> 00:23:08.854
And likewise, I'll have both links down in the show notes or on the screen, depending on what platform you're on.

00:23:09.124 --> 00:23:18.984
Those are the next episodes you need to listen to, depending on which one you feel you need to work on the most, but I recommend listening to both of them or watching them, whatever you're on.

00:23:19.644 --> 00:23:20.094
Gentlemen.

00:23:20.734 --> 00:23:22.144
Fight for your marriage now.

00:23:22.234 --> 00:23:25.085
If you fight for it every day, it really won't be a fight.

00:23:26.085 --> 00:23:27.884
Be better tomorrow because of what you do today.

00:23:28.125 --> 00:23:30.404
Check out these next episodes and I'll see you soon.

00:23:32.114 --> 00:23:34.545
This has been the Followible Man Podcast.

00:23:35.204 --> 00:23:38.444
Your home for everything, man, husband, and father.

00:23:39.434 --> 00:23:41.684
Be sure to subscribe so you don't miss a show.

00:23:42.523 --> 00:23:50.234
Head over to www.thefallibleman.com for more content and get your own Fallible man gear.

00:23:51.519 --> 00:23:52.949
I ain't playin shit.