Unleashing Fatherhood Potential: Dr Kaleb Valdez on Supporting Birth and Early Parenting

1 00:00:00,360 --> 00:00:00,870 So, Dr. 2 00:00:00,870 --> 00:00:03,450 Valdez, let me ask you, what is the most important takeaway 3 00:00:03,450 --> 00:00:05,100 you want men to hear today? 4 00:00:07,290 --> 00:00:14,010 I think there's a very strong messaging out there from, from Hollywood, 5 00:00:14,015 --> 00:00:19,800 from, you know, huge pharmaceutical companies that have a direct financial 6 00:00:19,800 --> 00:00:24,450 interest in sidelining dads from the birth and breastfeeding process. 7 00:00:24,960 --> 00:00:28,710 And if there's one thing that I would advocate for, it's for men to step 8 00:00:28,710 --> 00:00:33,240 into that role as the protector and the provider, be educated, go to the Lamas 9 00:00:33,240 --> 00:00:38,040 classes, go to these OB visits, you know, have the awkward conversations and you're 10 00:00:38,040 --> 00:00:39,810 gonna expose some ignorance that you had. 11 00:00:39,810 --> 00:00:44,010 You know, you, we don't know everything , as much as we think we know our wives. 12 00:00:44,400 --> 00:00:46,350 There's more to learn, there's more to understand. 13 00:00:46,710 --> 00:00:48,810 Talk to her and understand what she's doing. 14 00:00:48,815 --> 00:00:51,540 But be an active participant in this thing. 15 00:00:51,540 --> 00:00:54,150 Don't let anybody tell you, you can't have an opinion about this. 16 00:00:54,420 --> 00:00:55,500 You don't have a role in this. 17 00:00:56,339 --> 00:01:01,023 Because what you've described is I wish that was more the norm for 18 00:01:01,023 --> 00:01:07,353 dads defending the birth team from naysayers and advocating for connection 19 00:01:07,358 --> 00:01:09,573 and presence right after birth. 20 00:01:09,689 --> 00:01:11,969 And that, those are all things that anybody can do. 21 00:01:11,999 --> 00:01:14,219 You don't have to have any special skillset or anything. 22 00:01:14,243 --> 00:01:15,241 I'm not special. 23 00:01:15,241 --> 00:01:19,798 I don't have any unique expertise other than I I've gone into the research, 24 00:01:19,803 --> 00:01:23,728 I've formed these opinions that now more than ever, we need dads who are 25 00:01:23,728 --> 00:01:28,249 engaged, who are informed, and who are committed to matching their wives in 26 00:01:28,254 --> 00:01:32,061 their efforts to bring this into the world and who are there and present, you 27 00:01:32,061 --> 00:01:36,101 know, consciously present time conscious of what their wife is going through. 28 00:01:36,161 --> 00:01:38,490 And yeah, you might miss a few sports games. 29 00:01:38,495 --> 00:01:40,955 You might not be able to go out with your buddies, you know, for a little 30 00:01:40,960 --> 00:01:45,065 bit, but it'll be worth it cuz you'll never get those formative moments back. 31 00:01:45,545 --> 00:01:47,898 And if you're present for those you'll never regret that. 32 00:01:48,848 --> 00:01:50,408 Here's the million dollar question. 33 00:01:50,918 --> 00:01:54,578 How do men like us reach our full potential and grow into the men we 34 00:01:54,578 --> 00:01:58,718 dream of being while taking care of our responsibilities, working, 35 00:01:58,898 --> 00:02:03,398 being good husbands, fathers, and still take care of ourselves? 36 00:02:04,268 --> 00:02:05,978 That's the question in this podcast. 37 00:02:06,278 --> 00:02:07,568 We'll help you with those answers. 38 00:02:07,568 --> 00:02:10,808 My name is Brent, and welcome to the Fallible Man Podcast. 39 00:02:11,048 --> 00:02:14,168 Welcome to the Fallible Man Podcast, your home for all things, man, husband, and 40 00:02:14,168 --> 00:02:14,468 father. 41 00:02:14,798 --> 00:02:18,008 Big shout out to Fallible Nation, a warm welcome to our first time listeners. 42 00:02:18,338 --> 00:02:20,108 My name is Brent, and today my special guest 43 00:02:20,108 --> 00:02:22,418 is chiropractic physician, bestselling author, Dr. 44 00:02:22,423 --> 00:02:23,438 Caleb Valdez. 45 00:02:24,098 --> 00:02:24,338 Dr. 46 00:02:24,343 --> 00:02:26,048 Valdez, welcome to the show. 47 00:02:26,918 --> 00:02:27,458 Thank you, Brent. 48 00:02:27,458 --> 00:02:28,028 It's good to be here. 49 00:02:28,658 --> 00:02:31,358 Now let me ask right off the bat, am I pronouncing that right? 50 00:02:32,108 --> 00:02:32,348 That's 51 00:02:32,348 --> 00:02:32,618 right. 52 00:02:32,618 --> 00:02:32,948 Yep. 53 00:02:32,948 --> 00:02:33,338 That's all 54 00:02:33,343 --> 00:02:33,728 correct. 55 00:02:34,328 --> 00:02:38,032 . Okay, because I have a habit of mispronouncing names, so I wanna make 56 00:02:38,032 --> 00:02:39,922 sure before we go on with the show. 57 00:02:40,252 --> 00:02:40,852 Now, Dr. 58 00:02:40,852 --> 00:02:43,312 Bades, I don't do big interviews because that doesn't tell 59 00:02:43,312 --> 00:02:44,752 anybody I can read off accolades. 60 00:02:44,752 --> 00:02:45,832 It just doesn't help anybody. 61 00:02:46,282 --> 00:02:47,962 Tell us in your own words, who is 62 00:02:47,962 --> 00:02:48,232 Dr. 63 00:02:48,232 --> 00:02:48,982 Kayla Valdez? 64 00:02:50,452 --> 00:02:53,992 I am a chiropractic physician, just like you said, a brand new 65 00:02:53,992 --> 00:02:55,702 published author as of last month. 66 00:02:56,032 --> 00:03:00,242 And I'm really passionate about birth and pregnancy related chiropractic. 67 00:03:00,309 --> 00:03:03,573 I'm surprisingly not a husband and a father yet, but that allows me 68 00:03:03,578 --> 00:03:06,749 to talk to the difference kind of between the ideal and what we all 69 00:03:06,749 --> 00:03:09,274 hope to have happen and the reality of the situation on the ground. 70 00:03:09,334 --> 00:03:13,577 So, I've got a lot of thoughts on birth and pregnancy, but just know right up 71 00:03:13,582 --> 00:03:17,537 front that I don't speak particularly from direct experience other than having, 72 00:03:17,927 --> 00:03:21,583 you know, experience with thousands of patients and babies, pregnant moms 73 00:03:21,583 --> 00:03:27,162 throughout that have kind of informed my philosophy on birth and new motherhood 74 00:03:27,162 --> 00:03:29,160 and fatherhood and that kinda angle. 75 00:03:29,430 --> 00:03:30,780 So, fair enough. 76 00:03:31,320 --> 00:03:33,480 Now guys, we're not gonna go deep into Dr. 77 00:03:33,480 --> 00:03:34,260 Valdez's book. 78 00:03:34,590 --> 00:03:37,120 There will be a link to that in the show notes as always, 79 00:03:37,120 --> 00:03:38,170 so you guys can find that book. 80 00:03:39,115 --> 00:03:39,805 And dig in that. 81 00:03:40,135 --> 00:03:43,375 That's called Starving Babies, which is a really disturbing title. 82 00:03:43,375 --> 00:03:46,735 Just to start off the bat with just saying, but we're not 83 00:03:46,735 --> 00:03:47,965 gonna go deep into that today. 84 00:03:48,175 --> 00:03:51,025 We are going to get deeper into your passions though. 85 00:03:51,655 --> 00:03:54,920 So, you know, right off the bat, and I hate doing cookie cutter 86 00:03:54,920 --> 00:03:58,940 questions, but I've gotta ask you are a male chiropractor. 87 00:03:59,540 --> 00:04:02,540 How did you get into discussing birthing and breast? 88 00:04:04,055 --> 00:04:07,614 So actually what got me into chiropractic initially was my niece 89 00:04:07,614 --> 00:04:10,264 was diagnosed with a genetic condition that chiropractic can help with. 90 00:04:10,264 --> 00:04:11,998 That was identified very early on. 91 00:04:12,118 --> 00:04:16,048 And so I knew going into my doctoral program that I wanted 92 00:04:16,048 --> 00:04:17,705 to specialize in this syndrome. 93 00:04:17,705 --> 00:04:23,077 It's called Prada, Willy Syndrome, p w s, and work with often premature births and 94 00:04:23,128 --> 00:04:26,650 stressed pregnancies and very stressed little nervous systems once they get here. 95 00:04:26,710 --> 00:04:30,246 So that became my passion of just working with these babies. 96 00:04:30,306 --> 00:04:34,938 And from there kind of developed this pediatric philosophy and approach. 97 00:04:35,328 --> 00:04:38,298 And with recent formula shortages and things that have been going on in this 98 00:04:38,298 --> 00:04:42,177 country really wanted to help parents get upstream of a lot of the problems 99 00:04:42,177 --> 00:04:43,977 that they're seeing right off the bat. 100 00:04:44,487 --> 00:04:46,643 And so that's where that all started from. 101 00:04:46,983 --> 00:04:50,725 I have entered this conversation kind of nationally with a lot 102 00:04:50,725 --> 00:04:53,125 of different groups and a lot of moms who are passionate about it. 103 00:04:53,485 --> 00:04:56,147 And there's just not a lot of guys that are speaking to this Process 104 00:04:56,207 --> 00:05:00,335 right now, which I think is half the battle we need to be allies and 105 00:05:00,335 --> 00:05:01,475 we need to have this discussion. 106 00:05:01,955 --> 00:05:05,885 Really early on in the whole publishing process, I asked my roommate, I said, Hey, 107 00:05:06,305 --> 00:05:10,219 am I a mansplaining, breastfeeding and birth to, you know, you'd let me know if 108 00:05:10,219 --> 00:05:11,479 I was just that big of an idiot, right? 109 00:05:11,509 --> 00:05:12,319 He just laughed about it. 110 00:05:12,319 --> 00:05:15,559 He says, well, if you're not, somebody else is mansplaining everything 111 00:05:15,559 --> 00:05:19,429 else to them and so you might as well be an ally and advocate for 112 00:05:19,669 --> 00:05:21,553 these moms and this process here. 113 00:05:21,763 --> 00:05:22,933 And I thought, man, that's so great. 114 00:05:22,963 --> 00:05:24,073 I wish more dads did that. 115 00:05:24,263 --> 00:05:26,185 Cuz I we need all of us. 116 00:05:26,845 --> 00:05:27,265 All right, 117 00:05:28,195 --> 00:05:28,705 fair enough. 118 00:05:29,275 --> 00:05:33,745 No, there are a lot of people's society saying men have really no role or say in 119 00:05:33,745 --> 00:05:36,085 birth breastfeeding or early childcare. 120 00:05:36,595 --> 00:05:38,395 Why do you believe so strongly that this is. 121 00:05:40,659 --> 00:05:42,669 You're right, that is kind of the narrative right now. 122 00:05:42,712 --> 00:05:46,323 I was watching sitcom the other day just while we're making dinner and things, 123 00:05:46,593 --> 00:05:49,803 and it was an episode about one of the main characters is having birth and 124 00:05:49,897 --> 00:05:52,357 it's interesting how Hollywood depicts. 125 00:05:53,092 --> 00:05:54,652 The husband throughout this whole thing. 126 00:05:54,652 --> 00:05:55,552 He's just frazzled. 127 00:05:55,552 --> 00:05:56,572 He's sitting in the waiting room. 128 00:05:56,572 --> 00:05:59,182 He's trying not to hear about anything that, you know, any 129 00:05:59,182 --> 00:06:02,332 uncomfortable topic or anything related to the birth of his child. 130 00:06:02,692 --> 00:06:06,022 I thought, man, who else would be better to advocate for that? 131 00:06:06,022 --> 00:06:06,382 Mom? 132 00:06:06,592 --> 00:06:09,888 She's in one of the most vulnerable positions right now medically, 133 00:06:09,888 --> 00:06:11,748 physically, personally, emotionally. 134 00:06:11,958 --> 00:06:15,903 She needs the man there with her to support her and strengthen 135 00:06:15,903 --> 00:06:17,223 her and advocate for her. 136 00:06:17,733 --> 00:06:20,733 And so that's where I want to kind of raise the standards 137 00:06:20,733 --> 00:06:22,143 of what we expect from dads. 138 00:06:22,383 --> 00:06:24,345 We should be comfortable discussing these topics. 139 00:06:24,345 --> 00:06:28,395 We should come in informed and with opinions on these discussions. 140 00:06:28,665 --> 00:06:30,585 We should be having these conversations early on in 141 00:06:30,585 --> 00:06:32,047 pregnancy and throughout delivery. 142 00:06:32,377 --> 00:06:37,117 And then dads need to be there postpartum, and that might not be convenient for 143 00:06:37,147 --> 00:06:40,747 a nine to five work life or, you know, all the stuff that we have going on. 144 00:06:41,107 --> 00:06:44,707 But birth is a life changing event for mom and for baby, and it 145 00:06:44,707 --> 00:06:45,959 definitely should be for dad as well. 146 00:06:45,959 --> 00:06:46,477 This is such 147 00:06:46,477 --> 00:06:50,347 a weird conversation to me, just because I have two daughters and 148 00:06:50,767 --> 00:06:54,877 I was there beside my wife through the entire thing advocating for her. 149 00:06:54,882 --> 00:06:58,057 We had already talked about everything that she wanted, that we wanted 150 00:06:58,057 --> 00:06:59,677 as far as the birthing process. 151 00:07:00,127 --> 00:07:06,757 Like I threw a nurse out of the room, , like I, I literally said, you can 152 00:07:06,757 --> 00:07:09,817 leave, or I'll walk around side this bed and I will walk you out myself. 153 00:07:10,537 --> 00:07:12,607 Get out and do not come back. 154 00:07:13,297 --> 00:07:17,167 You're not walking in here because she just, she kept trying to push. 155 00:07:17,238 --> 00:07:19,645 My wife didn't walk and I can't remember what it's called when 156 00:07:19,645 --> 00:07:23,935 they do the deep penetration into the spine for pain numbing. 157 00:07:24,215 --> 00:07:24,775 Uhhuh. 158 00:07:25,465 --> 00:07:25,855 Epidural. 159 00:07:25,885 --> 00:07:26,635 Yes, that's it. 160 00:07:26,640 --> 00:07:27,025 Thank you. 161 00:07:27,325 --> 00:07:28,465 She didn't want an epidural. 162 00:07:28,470 --> 00:07:29,965 She was very solid about that. 163 00:07:30,325 --> 00:07:34,315 And this older nurse kept pushing for it and kept pushing for it. 164 00:07:34,315 --> 00:07:37,765 And it was finally, it was like, get out, . I don't wanna see you again. 165 00:07:37,770 --> 00:07:40,105 I looked at the doctor, I said, I don't wanna see her in here again. 166 00:07:41,260 --> 00:07:44,260 She's not allowed in this room, or I will walk her out here. 167 00:07:45,280 --> 00:07:45,550 You know? 168 00:07:45,640 --> 00:07:45,820 Wow. 169 00:07:45,842 --> 00:07:49,334 I can't imagine leaving my wife during that ordeal. 170 00:07:49,934 --> 00:07:54,224 So it is a really strange conversation to me, and it's disconcerting 171 00:07:54,224 --> 00:07:58,754 to me that it's having to be a conversation that this isn't just 172 00:07:58,754 --> 00:08:01,064 kind of a natural state of things. 173 00:08:02,463 --> 00:08:04,423 But hey we're gonna go down that rabbit hole, I promise. 174 00:08:04,633 --> 00:08:07,123 But before we go too deep into it, I want to ask you if you 175 00:08:07,123 --> 00:08:09,313 could have a conversation with one person living or dead. 176 00:08:10,183 --> 00:08:10,813 Who and why? 177 00:08:12,823 --> 00:08:14,263 Boy, that's a good one. 178 00:08:14,603 --> 00:08:15,653 And it changes every day. 179 00:08:15,653 --> 00:08:19,073 I think, just depending on what thought kind of pops up in my head. 180 00:08:19,163 --> 00:08:24,785 Today I've really been going into kind of, I've been doing some biblical research 181 00:08:24,785 --> 00:08:26,615 on the Assyrian conquest of Jerusalem. 182 00:08:26,615 --> 00:08:29,405 And so I would really be interested in talking to Isaiah right before the 183 00:08:29,405 --> 00:08:32,855 Assyrians wiped out Israel, and just say what was going through your head? 184 00:08:33,365 --> 00:08:34,595 How do you reach these people? 185 00:08:34,912 --> 00:08:37,132 Why did you choose the message that you did? 186 00:08:37,191 --> 00:08:40,093 They didn't listen to you obviously because they got wiped out, but what 187 00:08:40,093 --> 00:08:42,193 would you have done differently or what would you say to somebody who 188 00:08:42,733 --> 00:08:45,943 is trying to get that point across, but seems like nobody's listening? 189 00:08:46,213 --> 00:08:46,603 So 190 00:08:46,963 --> 00:08:48,763 that would be a fascinating conversation. 191 00:08:48,763 --> 00:08:53,083 I love bible history and Isaiah is a fascinating book on hiss own, 192 00:08:53,263 --> 00:08:55,777 but there are a couple of those Old Testament prophets, man, that 193 00:08:55,777 --> 00:08:57,367 I'm not sure I want to talk to. 194 00:08:58,297 --> 00:08:59,347 . They're pretty intense guys. 195 00:08:59,527 --> 00:09:02,760 Just those conversations don't always go well for the other people on 196 00:09:02,760 --> 00:09:05,760 the end of that conversation, and I certainly don't want one of them 197 00:09:05,760 --> 00:09:07,770 picking apart my failing failings, so 198 00:09:07,770 --> 00:09:09,810 I'm like, ah, I dunno about that. 199 00:09:10,200 --> 00:09:10,830 That's true. 200 00:09:10,830 --> 00:09:12,750 It'd be a little intimidating, for sure. 201 00:09:12,760 --> 00:09:16,870 I like to ask, just cuz it gives me a sense more of who you are and. 202 00:09:17,290 --> 00:09:21,280 Let's our audience have some insights into who you are and the way you 203 00:09:21,280 --> 00:09:26,440 think now for an expectant father. 204 00:09:26,890 --> 00:09:30,610 What conversations do you think we should be having with our partners 205 00:09:31,220 --> 00:09:33,242 leading up to birth? 206 00:09:35,432 --> 00:09:38,942 Well, I think you could even start before that, before conception 207 00:09:38,942 --> 00:09:39,872 or even before marriage. 208 00:09:39,902 --> 00:09:42,242 If you wanna just make sure that you're philosophically 209 00:09:42,812 --> 00:09:44,732 aligned on a lot of those issues. 210 00:09:44,972 --> 00:09:48,934 Lean into some of the harder conversations that people really kind of avoid out 211 00:09:48,934 --> 00:09:53,350 of politeness or political correctness Now Ask her, you know, how she feels 212 00:09:53,350 --> 00:09:54,938 about what would you do with home birth? 213 00:09:54,938 --> 00:09:59,918 Or, I remember a couple years ago when Covid was just crazy, a lot of my really 214 00:09:59,918 --> 00:10:03,345 solid friend marriages, you know, that they had never really discussed the 215 00:10:03,345 --> 00:10:07,164 idea of what if we can't have a hospital birth without being separated from 216 00:10:07,169 --> 00:10:08,814 our newborn for two weeks after birth? 217 00:10:09,444 --> 00:10:12,259 How are we gonna navigate a forced quarantine basically? 218 00:10:12,649 --> 00:10:15,019 And a lot of them decided we're just gonna birth at home, or we're gonna go 219 00:10:15,019 --> 00:10:18,285 to a birth center or something where they don't have those restrictions in place. 220 00:10:18,615 --> 00:10:22,180 And that created some controversy in some anxiety, I'm sure 221 00:10:22,180 --> 00:10:23,620 on, on one or both parties. 222 00:10:23,980 --> 00:10:26,440 And those are the things where you should kind of explore that ahead of 223 00:10:26,440 --> 00:10:30,820 time and just be like, okay, how much do I have confidence in my wife's 224 00:10:31,090 --> 00:10:33,280 divine ability to birth a human 225 00:10:34,090 --> 00:10:36,370 And how much does she have confidence in herself for that? 226 00:10:36,550 --> 00:10:39,640 And where can I kind of compensate or support her in those areas 227 00:10:39,640 --> 00:10:42,740 where she might not feel completely safe or ready for that? 228 00:10:42,741 --> 00:10:46,101 You can talk about circumcision, you can talk about vaccines, you can talk about 229 00:10:46,461 --> 00:10:50,691 all these things that why wait until the moment of, to have this really rushed, 230 00:10:50,811 --> 00:10:56,066 hurried decision in the room parenting a strategy, a lifelong arc that's gonna say, 231 00:10:56,071 --> 00:10:58,046 okay, how do we feel about homeschooling? 232 00:10:58,076 --> 00:11:01,186 How do we feel about, you know, diet decisions at the 233 00:11:01,191 --> 00:11:02,263 house or things like that. 234 00:11:02,473 --> 00:11:05,443 And those can all be discussions that you have during courtship and 235 00:11:05,443 --> 00:11:08,653 early marriage before there's even kids evolved, just to make sure that 236 00:11:08,653 --> 00:11:11,623 you're both equally yolked and pulling the same direction philosophically. 237 00:11:11,923 --> 00:11:15,103 And that way when the thing comes up, it's more a matter of how we implement 238 00:11:15,103 --> 00:11:18,673 what we both believe, rather than figuring out what this person believes while the 239 00:11:18,673 --> 00:11:21,523 whole time you've just been discussing the latest Netflix special or whatever. 240 00:11:21,853 --> 00:11:22,093 You know, 241 00:11:22,108 --> 00:11:23,967 I think that's a fantastic approach. 242 00:11:23,996 --> 00:11:27,131 I used to do I've done a little premarital counseling for couples. 243 00:11:27,131 --> 00:11:30,971 I used to be a youth minister, and that, that's the first thing I tell 244 00:11:30,976 --> 00:11:33,941 couples is like, okay, all those conversations that you would never have 245 00:11:33,941 --> 00:11:36,731 with your person you're dating, those are the ones you actually need to have. 246 00:11:38,381 --> 00:11:40,301 Do you know how they celebrate Christmas? 247 00:11:41,291 --> 00:11:42,101 How their family does? 248 00:11:42,101 --> 00:11:43,451 Is it a big thing or a little thing? 249 00:11:43,526 --> 00:11:47,216 Do you know, you know, how you feel about school and education 250 00:11:47,216 --> 00:11:48,236 for children eventually? 251 00:11:48,866 --> 00:11:50,336 Do y'all want the same amount of children? 252 00:11:50,606 --> 00:11:55,286 You know, all these conversations you don't have when you're dating And 253 00:11:55,286 --> 00:11:59,966 very few people even have once they get engaged, if you can start having 254 00:11:59,966 --> 00:12:02,996 those conversations early on, I think that helps the marriage in general, 255 00:12:03,014 --> 00:12:04,407 not just the parenting aspect of it. 256 00:12:04,412 --> 00:12:04,767 Right. 257 00:12:05,517 --> 00:12:08,517 We can absolutely start to open those lines of communication early. 258 00:12:08,517 --> 00:12:11,817 Cuz there are some, you know, I know people we're not big Christmas 259 00:12:11,817 --> 00:12:14,547 people, but I got no problem with it. 260 00:12:14,547 --> 00:12:16,707 I just, it was, it isn't that big of a deal to me. 261 00:12:16,707 --> 00:12:17,067 Right. 262 00:12:17,337 --> 00:12:19,197 But I know people like it is life 263 00:12:19,197 --> 00:12:19,837 or death. 264 00:12:19,859 --> 00:12:20,144 And if 265 00:12:20,149 --> 00:12:25,934 you don't align with that man, you are in for a long, hard marriage or a really 266 00:12:25,939 --> 00:12:28,454 short one depending on how that goes. 267 00:12:29,074 --> 00:12:29,564 Yeah. 268 00:12:30,419 --> 00:12:33,509 One thing I usually don't share is how impactful the podcast has been. 269 00:12:33,509 --> 00:12:34,379 For me personally. 270 00:12:35,009 --> 00:12:37,979 There's a lot I love and appreciate because I have the podcast. 271 00:12:38,309 --> 00:12:40,559 I become somebody who can approach people easier. 272 00:12:40,559 --> 00:12:42,989 I have a better network of people to call upon when I need 'em. 273 00:12:43,439 --> 00:12:47,129 I get to meet new people all the time from all walks of life and all over the 274 00:12:47,129 --> 00:12:49,109 globe and connect with 'em at a depot 275 00:12:49,109 --> 00:12:51,839 level, and I have a voice to do what I love. 276 00:12:52,349 --> 00:12:52,859 I'm always 277 00:12:52,859 --> 00:12:55,949 put into situations where I'm having to stretch and learn something new. 278 00:12:56,279 --> 00:12:58,979 I've really grown as a person and a professional since I started doing 279 00:12:58,979 --> 00:13:02,849 my podcast, and that was even before my show really started growing. 280 00:13:03,749 --> 00:13:07,049 I hired a company called Grow Your Show, who's our sponsor, by the way, 281 00:13:07,679 --> 00:13:08,939 and I wanted to share them with you. 282 00:13:09,389 --> 00:13:12,269 The owner, Adam, has one of the very best podcasts for teaching 283 00:13:12,269 --> 00:13:13,529 you how to be a podcaster. 284 00:13:13,979 --> 00:13:15,179 I honestly wish I had found it. 285 00:13:16,274 --> 00:13:19,454 One thing that they've done to help me is to bring me to a much larger 286 00:13:19,454 --> 00:13:22,604 listener base so that my voice is being heard around the world. 287 00:13:23,114 --> 00:13:27,044 There's a good chance, in fact that they helped us connect, but they also do 288 00:13:27,044 --> 00:13:28,544 editing and post-production. 289 00:13:29,084 --> 00:13:29,894 They can even help you 290 00:13:29,899 --> 00:13:33,974 launch and start your podcast, which could really help you in your business 291 00:13:33,979 --> 00:13:35,534 or whatever you're trying to achieve. 292 00:13:36,434 --> 00:13:38,144 So I just wanted to give him a quick shout out. 293 00:13:38,234 --> 00:13:42,254 I love to share great people and companies that I believe in, that I use personally. 294 00:13:42,974 --> 00:13:45,674 So that's Grow Your show@growyourshow.com. 295 00:13:46,004 --> 00:13:47,294 I have a link in the show notes, 296 00:13:47,504 --> 00:13:50,774 and if you have a podcast or you wanna start a podcast or you're thinking about 297 00:13:50,774 --> 00:13:54,764 it, just scroll down there, click that link and go work with my friend Adam. 298 00:13:54,944 --> 00:13:57,014 He's gonna treat you right now. 299 00:13:57,344 --> 00:14:03,444 Let me ask you, leading up to the birth right, what can we as men be 300 00:14:03,584 --> 00:14:08,264 doing to prepare and support our partner more effectively, do you think? 301 00:14:09,314 --> 00:14:10,124 Because this is scary. 302 00:14:10,129 --> 00:14:11,030 Like I I'm a dad. 303 00:14:11,060 --> 00:14:13,010 I've been through it twice and it's scary. 304 00:14:13,400 --> 00:14:15,470 Like, even with the second child, I was a little more 305 00:14:15,470 --> 00:14:16,490 prepared, but I was still 306 00:14:16,490 --> 00:14:17,720 scared outta my mind. 307 00:14:18,560 --> 00:14:20,480 And every pregnancy is slightly different. 308 00:14:21,530 --> 00:14:23,840 So what can we be doing leading up to that? 309 00:14:23,840 --> 00:14:26,120 Because I know a lot of young special fathers who are just 310 00:14:26,120 --> 00:14:26,891 like I don't know what I do. 311 00:14:26,891 --> 00:14:27,671 I don't know what I do. 312 00:14:27,671 --> 00:14:29,171 I, where do I 313 00:14:29,171 --> 00:14:30,401 fit in this process? 314 00:14:31,271 --> 00:14:32,051 Absolutely. 315 00:14:32,081 --> 00:14:35,051 So starting with that, the fear I think is the fear of the 316 00:14:35,051 --> 00:14:36,477 unknown or of the unfamiliar. 317 00:14:36,477 --> 00:14:39,777 And so turn that into curiosity and start asking questions. 318 00:14:39,777 --> 00:14:42,477 Start doing your research on those things that you're most concerned about. 319 00:14:42,837 --> 00:14:47,277 And you'll start to realize that a lot of that fear is culturally propagated 320 00:14:47,397 --> 00:14:52,664 from people who have financial stake in you being scared enough to seek out their 321 00:14:52,754 --> 00:14:54,374 services, their expertise, or whatever. 322 00:14:54,584 --> 00:14:57,374 And really all they're selling is the illusion of. 323 00:14:58,544 --> 00:15:01,904 You feel like because you're in a certain environment or you have access 324 00:15:01,904 --> 00:15:05,534 to certain resources that all of the guesswork is taken out of this, all the 325 00:15:05,534 --> 00:15:07,574 faith, all of the chance and everything. 326 00:15:08,384 --> 00:15:10,364 Birthing a human is a risky business. 327 00:15:10,378 --> 00:15:14,638 It's a intense experience, and it's supposed to be that way because there 328 00:15:14,638 --> 00:15:18,508 are emotions and there's bonding that occurs between a husband and wife and 329 00:15:18,508 --> 00:15:22,678 between their children at that stage of that development that is gonna form the 330 00:15:22,678 --> 00:15:25,828 basis of a family unit going forward and. 331 00:15:26,543 --> 00:15:29,873 Acknowledge that and lean into those types of conversations and say, how can 332 00:15:29,873 --> 00:15:31,613 we have the most connected experience? 333 00:15:31,613 --> 00:15:34,763 How can we make sure we're on the same side of this issue going forward? 334 00:15:34,763 --> 00:15:38,033 Because there's gonna be a lot of decision points along the way, and a 335 00:15:38,033 --> 00:15:40,913 lot of opportunities, there's gonna be unforeseen things that come up. 336 00:15:41,183 --> 00:15:45,285 But as long as you have this guiding principle or philosophy in place, 337 00:15:45,285 --> 00:15:49,191 and you both agreed to these things, you can tackle those as they come up. 338 00:15:49,191 --> 00:15:53,491 And it gives you not a false sense of security or false sense of control, 339 00:15:53,821 --> 00:15:55,291 but you have a sense of direction. 340 00:15:55,381 --> 00:15:57,031 As you navigate those questions. 341 00:15:57,391 --> 00:16:00,361 You also have to realize that your wife is undergoing a lot of 342 00:16:00,391 --> 00:16:02,401 physiological and hormonal changes. 343 00:16:02,641 --> 00:16:04,868 We joke about those things, you know, about pregnancy 344 00:16:04,873 --> 00:16:06,248 cravings and things like that. 345 00:16:06,578 --> 00:16:08,550 But they're very real things. 346 00:16:08,550 --> 00:16:12,540 And the approach, I think should be for dads to, okay, honey, if you're 347 00:16:12,540 --> 00:16:16,620 giving up this so you know, for this time for our baby's health or 348 00:16:16,620 --> 00:16:18,570 whatever, what can I sacrifice as well? 349 00:16:18,570 --> 00:16:19,680 How can I do this with you? 350 00:16:20,010 --> 00:16:22,736 I'm not gonna sit here and eat what I want or do whatever I want. 351 00:16:23,071 --> 00:16:26,644 When you're making those sacrifices, how can we be equally yoked in this place? 352 00:16:27,064 --> 00:16:30,794 And that also has to do with like endocrine disrupting chemicals. 353 00:16:30,794 --> 00:16:33,937 For example if mom is working really hard to clean up her environment 354 00:16:34,447 --> 00:16:39,037 and dad's spraying on AXS body spray every morning, it's gonna derail her 355 00:16:39,037 --> 00:16:42,239 efforts, you know, to keep a clean and connected environment there. 356 00:16:42,292 --> 00:16:44,269 And so talk about those things and say, okay how crunchy 357 00:16:44,269 --> 00:16:45,169 do we wanna get with this? 358 00:16:45,186 --> 00:16:47,767 How purist do we wanna be on what we're eating, what we're drinking, 359 00:16:47,767 --> 00:16:51,165 what we're consuming, you know, as far as the conversations we're having, 360 00:16:51,170 --> 00:16:52,395 the entertainment we're seeking out? 361 00:16:52,815 --> 00:16:55,964 And if we need to make sacrifices, let's do those together so that we're 362 00:16:55,994 --> 00:17:00,404 in this in every way, except I may not physically be building a baby inside me, 363 00:17:00,764 --> 00:17:02,234 but I can support you as you do that. 364 00:17:02,294 --> 00:17:04,634 I'll paint your toes, I'll tie your shoes, I'll rub your feet. 365 00:17:04,639 --> 00:17:09,074 You know, whatever those small acts are, they add up and they result in 366 00:17:09,074 --> 00:17:12,704 mom feeling supported and affirmed as she enters the delivery room. 367 00:17:13,004 --> 00:17:16,544 And just like your experience, we need a dad who's not afraid to kick 368 00:17:16,544 --> 00:17:17,624 out a member of the birth team. 369 00:17:18,179 --> 00:17:21,368 Because in that the intense moment of that one little look, one little 370 00:17:21,788 --> 00:17:26,039 suggestion that is off topic or off desires that can derail the whole thing. 371 00:17:26,129 --> 00:17:27,599 It's a very vulnerable time. 372 00:17:27,959 --> 00:17:31,939 And mom is not in a position to, to kick out a nurse, you know, at that moment. 373 00:17:32,359 --> 00:17:36,169 But a dad should be, and he should know what the birth plan looks like and be 374 00:17:36,169 --> 00:17:38,115 willing to go to bat for her on that. 375 00:17:38,115 --> 00:17:40,114 And I realize there's single mom households. 376 00:17:40,145 --> 00:17:43,055 There's all types of situations, but there's always an opportunity for a 377 00:17:43,055 --> 00:17:46,595 family member, for a father, a brother, a sister, a mom to be there and 378 00:17:47,015 --> 00:17:48,779 advocate for a wife going through that. 379 00:17:48,779 --> 00:17:52,842 But the divine template, the ideal situation would be have 380 00:17:52,842 --> 00:17:54,389 another man there to do that. 381 00:17:55,049 --> 00:17:57,659 Now let me backtrack that for just a second. 382 00:17:58,619 --> 00:18:02,189 This is kind of a side topic, but will you explain the ax body spray 383 00:18:02,969 --> 00:18:07,616 thing just Well, so I used to use ax I use different deodorant now and 384 00:18:07,616 --> 00:18:10,029 my wife's got me using non aluminum. 385 00:18:10,689 --> 00:18:13,059 Deodorants stuff that's supposed to be built better for me, 386 00:18:13,689 --> 00:18:14,289 but way to go. 387 00:18:15,729 --> 00:18:16,359 Sarah's on it. 388 00:18:16,438 --> 00:18:20,458 She's smart, but I don't, for most of us, right? 389 00:18:20,458 --> 00:18:23,728 I mean, ax, body sprays acts is a big player in the game, right? 390 00:18:23,728 --> 00:18:24,698 So, absolutely. 391 00:18:24,698 --> 00:18:24,978 I mean, absolutely. 392 00:18:24,983 --> 00:18:28,108 We've seen clone our whole lives and smelly deodorants. 393 00:18:28,228 --> 00:18:28,588 So 394 00:18:29,278 --> 00:18:33,268 what kind of negative impact can, is that, what does that bring to the table? 395 00:18:34,108 --> 00:18:37,438 So there's a multiple studies coming out right now that are showing how. 396 00:18:38,323 --> 00:18:42,413 Testosterone levels are falling across the world and right sperm motility 397 00:18:42,413 --> 00:18:47,406 and basically every ma measure of toxic masculinity we're becoming more 398 00:18:47,406 --> 00:18:49,927 feminized and emasculated as a society. 399 00:18:49,980 --> 00:18:53,877 And a lot of that is a physiological chemical disruption that is 400 00:18:53,877 --> 00:18:57,987 disconnecting men's endocrine systems and that nervous system that 401 00:18:57,987 --> 00:18:59,762 communicates that does all that stuff. 402 00:18:59,762 --> 00:19:04,461 So this is a very personal area of figuring out how crunchy, how clean, how 403 00:19:04,461 --> 00:19:05,961 purist do you want to be with all that. 404 00:19:06,261 --> 00:19:09,681 But making one switch from maybe cutting out ax body spray and switching 405 00:19:09,681 --> 00:19:13,851 to non aluminum type, you know, deodorants, that is freeing up that 406 00:19:13,851 --> 00:19:17,451 much more of that system to deal with the toxic load that we have right now. 407 00:19:17,534 --> 00:19:21,614 I mentioned a couple different endocrine disruptors, which are just these chemicals 408 00:19:21,614 --> 00:19:26,894 that disrupt how your body talks to itself and very strong smelling chemicals. 409 00:19:27,344 --> 00:19:28,394 And I just threw out ax. 410 00:19:28,394 --> 00:19:31,094 I'm probably gonna get nice from there, exec team now. 411 00:19:31,094 --> 00:19:36,132 But There's chemicals that disrupt those natural processes for men and for women. 412 00:19:36,492 --> 00:19:39,102 And women because they use more products on a daily basis. 413 00:19:39,102 --> 00:19:42,072 You know, with cosmetics and things, they're more susceptible to those types 414 00:19:42,077 --> 00:19:46,501 of toxic loads and those definitely affect babies' endocrine system and 415 00:19:46,651 --> 00:19:48,031 breast milk supply when it comes in. 416 00:19:48,031 --> 00:19:51,078 That's why a lot of moms are not able to establish a good supply is because 417 00:19:51,078 --> 00:19:54,228 our environment is so polluted with these strong smelling chemicals. 418 00:19:54,288 --> 00:19:57,966 It's really you know, we have detergents, we have just all kinds of things that are 419 00:19:57,971 --> 00:19:59,946 blocking up and disconnecting our systems. 420 00:20:00,306 --> 00:20:02,916 And when you start eliminating those things and getting back to 421 00:20:02,921 --> 00:20:06,353 basics and really pure Things that you wear, things that you eat, your 422 00:20:06,353 --> 00:20:07,823 body does so much better with that. 423 00:20:07,959 --> 00:20:11,865 But I'm not here to preach on what products are best or anything like that. 424 00:20:11,865 --> 00:20:13,275 That's a very personal decision. 425 00:20:13,332 --> 00:20:15,732 And I think it is something you should, guys should talk about as 426 00:20:15,732 --> 00:20:18,792 you go to the store, what kind of laundry detergent are we're gonna buy? 427 00:20:18,792 --> 00:20:20,965 What types of food are we gonna stock in the fridge? 428 00:20:20,987 --> 00:20:24,783 So that we can be the most connected with our bodies and have that free flowing. 429 00:20:24,783 --> 00:20:27,313 So, well that's my crunchy chiropractic side coming out. 430 00:20:27,315 --> 00:20:31,225 I had to back that up cuz like, wait, I, there's something wrong with it. 431 00:20:31,230 --> 00:20:34,435 I used to like, I didn't ever go heavy cause I was never a big cologne guy, 432 00:20:35,215 --> 00:20:38,170 but it was like, you know, after after I got outta the gym and I didn't have 433 00:20:38,170 --> 00:20:39,490 time to go take a shower or something. 434 00:20:39,490 --> 00:20:39,820 Right? 435 00:20:41,020 --> 00:20:41,170 Oh yeah. 436 00:20:41,170 --> 00:20:44,024 It never occurred to me that was something that was bad for my body 437 00:20:44,024 --> 00:20:45,344 or much less lowering my test. 438 00:20:45,584 --> 00:20:49,064 Like all you had to do was slap lower testosterone over. 439 00:20:50,009 --> 00:20:52,649 And like, I'll throw out 90% of the stuff in my household if I need 440 00:20:52,649 --> 00:20:55,867 to . And you probably would, it just never would've occurred to me that 441 00:20:55,867 --> 00:20:57,877 could actually impact me in that way. 442 00:20:58,687 --> 00:20:58,777 Mm-hmm. 443 00:20:59,257 --> 00:20:59,887 . So, okay. 444 00:20:59,966 --> 00:21:01,196 That's disturbing guys. 445 00:21:01,376 --> 00:21:04,466 Throw out your junk throw, throw out all the nasty, smelly junk. 446 00:21:05,996 --> 00:21:08,546 Oh, that's sad . That's okay. 447 00:21:08,546 --> 00:21:09,656 I'm pretty sure we like it more than 448 00:21:09,656 --> 00:21:15,656 women do . I'm sure they're appreciative of not smelling our post junk post Jim 449 00:21:15,776 --> 00:21:17,505 Funk, you know, afterwards I don't know. 450 00:21:17,505 --> 00:21:21,873 I know some women who they like the mix of, as long as it's not too bad, right? 451 00:21:22,023 --> 00:21:22,383 Yeah. 452 00:21:22,443 --> 00:21:23,523 Little sweats good. 453 00:21:23,528 --> 00:21:24,873 Too much sweat bad, 454 00:21:24,993 --> 00:21:25,413 right? 455 00:21:26,103 --> 00:21:26,403 Yeah. 456 00:21:26,733 --> 00:21:27,093 Yeah. 457 00:21:27,393 --> 00:21:31,275 Now, before we roll to our break I want to ask you, you know, how do 458 00:21:31,275 --> 00:21:35,445 we approach the conversation about breastfeeding with our partners? 459 00:21:35,445 --> 00:21:37,485 Because that's like taboo, right? 460 00:21:37,523 --> 00:21:41,223 That's the woman's decision, and we have no say in that kind of nonsense, right? 461 00:21:41,333 --> 00:21:42,683 That's what we're told. 462 00:21:43,508 --> 00:21:44,108 How do we 463 00:21:44,108 --> 00:21:45,938 approach, like I had very strong feelings about it. 464 00:21:45,938 --> 00:21:48,698 My wife was very open to it cuz she wanted to do the breastfeed anyways. 465 00:21:49,478 --> 00:21:52,838 But how do we approach something that we're told is 466 00:21:53,108 --> 00:21:54,638 none of our business like that? 467 00:21:55,418 --> 00:21:57,218 Because I think that's a really important conversation. 468 00:21:57,257 --> 00:22:01,487 I know I, I've read enough studies to understand and I'm not highly educated, 469 00:22:01,487 --> 00:22:04,757 but I've read enough understood studies, enough studies for idiots 470 00:22:04,757 --> 00:22:09,287 to go, Hey, this seems to be really much a healthier choice for my child. 471 00:22:10,217 --> 00:22:11,637 How do we approach that with our spouse? 472 00:22:11,637 --> 00:22:13,140 I think it, it spills over. 473 00:22:13,830 --> 00:22:17,550 Everything that, that men should and can have informed 474 00:22:17,550 --> 00:22:18,960 opinions on all of these topics. 475 00:22:19,027 --> 00:22:21,887 I don't know why it's taboo, and I think we need to challenge that 476 00:22:21,887 --> 00:22:23,387 assumption from the beginning as well. 477 00:22:23,747 --> 00:22:26,936 And hopefully you're married to somebody who is okay having 478 00:22:26,936 --> 00:22:28,346 that respectful conversation. 479 00:22:28,396 --> 00:22:31,036 We definitely need to respect mom's wishes. 480 00:22:31,066 --> 00:22:35,209 It's, at the end of the day, it's her body and it is a big decision, but this is half 481 00:22:35,209 --> 00:22:38,677 your child and you guys should kind of collaborate on that and there should be a 482 00:22:38,677 --> 00:22:43,994 give and take and I want more couples to be aware of the benefits of breastfeeding 483 00:22:44,294 --> 00:22:47,174 so that they know what they're giving up if they decide to do that. 484 00:22:47,534 --> 00:22:49,364 And I a hundred percent respect. 485 00:22:49,411 --> 00:22:51,633 I think first and foremost is freedom of speech. 486 00:22:51,663 --> 00:22:55,902 You should be able to talk about this and not be banned, censored, shamed for that. 487 00:22:56,562 --> 00:22:58,152 Second of all would be informed consent. 488 00:22:58,212 --> 00:23:00,732 You need to know the benefits of that and what you're giving up 489 00:23:00,732 --> 00:23:02,112 if you decide to sacrifice that. 490 00:23:02,442 --> 00:23:04,902 And you should have a very clear, open communication on. 491 00:23:05,352 --> 00:23:09,406 On the topic itself with medical experts if you need, or with research 492 00:23:09,430 --> 00:23:10,914 as needed to make a good decision. 493 00:23:11,394 --> 00:23:13,074 And then third, I'm for medical autonomy. 494 00:23:13,074 --> 00:23:15,474 I think parents are the ones that should be making the 495 00:23:15,479 --> 00:23:17,304 health decisions for their kids. 496 00:23:17,784 --> 00:23:18,204 Period. 497 00:23:18,204 --> 00:23:18,804 Full stop. 498 00:23:18,941 --> 00:23:19,901 Medical experts. 499 00:23:19,901 --> 00:23:23,959 Anybody else on the outside looking in their job is to affirm and 500 00:23:24,319 --> 00:23:28,429 inform and then to just sit back and respect those wishes and make that 501 00:23:28,429 --> 00:23:29,759 happen, whatever that looks like. 502 00:23:29,781 --> 00:23:33,921 And the reality is not every mom can breastfeed and going back to 503 00:23:33,921 --> 00:23:36,681 some of those endocrine disrupting chemicals, maybe that's why. 504 00:23:36,981 --> 00:23:40,911 But for the moms that want to, that choose to, that needs to be a discussion. 505 00:23:41,316 --> 00:23:44,748 Before pregnancy, I would say a lot of times we just focus on getting up to birth 506 00:23:44,748 --> 00:23:47,178 and then we decide what we're, how we're gonna feed this baby once he gets here. 507 00:23:47,258 --> 00:23:47,458 Right? 508 00:23:47,808 --> 00:23:48,168 Right. 509 00:23:48,168 --> 00:23:51,108 And I think we could start a little earlier on in the process and say, okay, 510 00:23:51,408 --> 00:23:52,878 postpartum, here's what this looks like. 511 00:23:52,878 --> 00:23:55,368 I'm gonna take this feeding, or mom's gonna pump for this. 512 00:23:55,373 --> 00:23:58,638 We're gonna bottle feed for here, and she's gonna, you know, however that works. 513 00:23:58,638 --> 00:24:01,698 And however that looks for each family is gonna be very personal 514 00:24:01,698 --> 00:24:02,554 and unique and different. 515 00:24:02,623 --> 00:24:07,166 But that's something that we should be up to discussing before the moment arrives. 516 00:24:07,316 --> 00:24:09,356 I think, oh my goodness, 517 00:24:09,356 --> 00:24:10,286 intentionality. 518 00:24:10,796 --> 00:24:12,956 No say it's not so right. 519 00:24:15,236 --> 00:24:17,751 . Guys, we got straight in it uh, right off the bat today with Dr. 520 00:24:17,751 --> 00:24:18,231 Valdez. 521 00:24:18,501 --> 00:24:22,281 In the second half of the show, we're gonna get moved into men's role post, 522 00:24:22,341 --> 00:24:26,151 post-birth, postpartum depression, and even early pan parenting. 523 00:24:27,651 --> 00:24:31,071 We'll see if I can talk today, but we're going to roll our sponsors right now 524 00:24:31,071 --> 00:24:32,241 and we'll be back with more with Dr. 525 00:24:32,246 --> 00:24:32,751 Valdez. 526 00:24:33,771 --> 00:24:34,776 , how well do you sleep at night? 527 00:24:34,896 --> 00:24:37,506 Do you toss and turn and wake up more tired than when you went to bed? 528 00:24:38,016 --> 00:24:41,376 Sleep is commonly one of the critical elements people fall short on in 529 00:24:41,376 --> 00:24:41,976 their life. 530 00:24:42,276 --> 00:24:44,766 The quality of sleep you get directly affects your ability 531 00:24:44,766 --> 00:24:46,146 to control your weight, your 532 00:24:46,151 --> 00:24:49,166 ability to add muscle, your stress levels, and your everyday 533 00:24:49,171 --> 00:24:50,256 job and life performance. 534 00:24:50,886 --> 00:24:51,006 If 535 00:24:51,011 --> 00:24:54,786 you're ready to move to the next level, then sleep has to be part of the plan. 536 00:24:55,416 --> 00:24:57,876 Check out our forensic ghost bed.com if you're ready to get your 537 00:24:57,876 --> 00:24:58,626 best sleep. 538 00:24:58,686 --> 00:24:59,136 I love my 539 00:24:59,136 --> 00:24:59,586 ghost bed. 540 00:24:59,586 --> 00:25:01,236 I've been sleeping on one for a couple years 541 00:25:01,836 --> 00:25:03,876 and has made a huge difference in how I sleep. 542 00:25:04,266 --> 00:25:05,406 Hit ghost bed.com. 543 00:25:05,406 --> 00:25:09,156 Use the code, the fallible man 30 to get 30% off your order and 544 00:25:09,161 --> 00:25:10,056 start getting better night's. 545 00:25:10,056 --> 00:25:11,256 Sleep tomorrow. 546 00:25:12,276 --> 00:25:12,666 Now 547 00:25:12,696 --> 00:25:14,226 let's go on to the show. 548 00:25:14,976 --> 00:25:15,696 Welcome back guys. 549 00:25:15,696 --> 00:25:16,608 We're here with Dr. 550 00:25:16,621 --> 00:25:20,761 Caleb Valdez, discussing men's role in childbirth and early parenting. 551 00:25:21,271 --> 00:25:21,511 Dr. 552 00:25:21,511 --> 00:25:24,661 Valdez, what purchase of a hundred dollars or less did you make in the 553 00:25:24,666 --> 00:25:26,341 last year this had the biggest impact 554 00:25:26,411 --> 00:25:26,881 on your life? 555 00:25:28,291 --> 00:25:29,491 Ooh, this is a great one. 556 00:25:29,558 --> 00:25:29,966 Boy. 557 00:25:30,521 --> 00:25:31,001 There's a lot. 558 00:25:31,601 --> 00:25:34,312 One of my favorite things, just a little tea, kettle teapot thing. 559 00:25:34,400 --> 00:25:36,200 Super chip, I think it's $35. 560 00:25:36,380 --> 00:25:37,773 I use that thing every single day. 561 00:25:37,779 --> 00:25:39,339 At the beginning of the day kind of warm up. 562 00:25:39,339 --> 00:25:43,074 I either do a cryo brew poor tea or some kind of a herbal tea mix. 563 00:25:43,194 --> 00:25:44,614 Yurba, I'm a big fan of that. 564 00:25:44,641 --> 00:25:48,301 And then at the end of the day, little protein shake in there just before bed. 565 00:25:48,481 --> 00:25:51,562 Keep me burning some collagen peptides during the night. 566 00:25:51,622 --> 00:25:52,802 And I'm good to go. 567 00:25:52,862 --> 00:25:54,632 So it's, it tastes like hot chocolate. 568 00:25:54,692 --> 00:25:55,022 It's bake. 569 00:25:55,022 --> 00:25:57,272 You warm up a protein shake, you do a warm protein shake. 570 00:25:57,812 --> 00:25:58,172 I do. 571 00:25:58,177 --> 00:25:58,982 It sounds weird. 572 00:25:59,582 --> 00:26:02,628 . I say organ collagen peptides, organ collagen peptides. 573 00:26:02,988 --> 00:26:03,558 You mix that in. 574 00:26:03,558 --> 00:26:07,638 It's the consistency in the flavor of hot chocolate and it just, it keeps you from, 575 00:26:07,758 --> 00:26:09,108 for burning lean muscle through the night. 576 00:26:09,108 --> 00:26:10,668 So that's very, I reckon Christine 577 00:26:11,388 --> 00:26:15,304 , I've never I've been a workout buff for years, but I've never heard of like 578 00:26:15,304 --> 00:26:17,824 warming your protein shake in any way. 579 00:26:17,829 --> 00:26:17,974 Correct. 580 00:26:19,234 --> 00:26:22,234 So is that a soap top kettle or is that like one of the electrical quick 581 00:26:22,234 --> 00:26:22,714 kettles? 582 00:26:23,104 --> 00:26:24,874 Yeah, it's a little electric quick kettle. 583 00:26:24,934 --> 00:26:27,874 But I'm okay that if I had to, if the house was burning 584 00:26:27,874 --> 00:26:28,904 down I'd grab that thing. 585 00:26:28,904 --> 00:26:31,214 Cause then I'd have something warm to drink while I waited 586 00:26:31,214 --> 00:26:32,084 for it to get rebuilt. 587 00:26:32,209 --> 00:26:33,829 , We're big fans of the electric kettles here. 588 00:26:34,279 --> 00:26:40,461 Both my wife loves tea, so, and her and my mom both apparently put collagen 589 00:26:40,461 --> 00:26:43,041 and fiber into their hot chocolate at night before they go to bed. 590 00:26:43,791 --> 00:26:44,241 Perfect. 591 00:26:44,451 --> 00:26:45,111 See, this is what happens. 592 00:26:45,111 --> 00:26:46,761 I go to bed before they do, so I have no idea 593 00:26:46,761 --> 00:26:48,651 what they're drinking, what they're drinking. 594 00:26:48,718 --> 00:26:49,028 . I'm an 595 00:26:49,028 --> 00:26:51,548 early up go to bed early guy. 596 00:26:52,148 --> 00:26:56,486 My wife is I get up when the kids get up and I stay up until like 11 or 12. 597 00:26:57,446 --> 00:26:57,939 So, awesome. 598 00:26:57,939 --> 00:27:00,894 We swing, we're when opposite ends of that most of the time. 599 00:27:00,894 --> 00:27:03,204 So I'm going to bed, she's brewing something. 600 00:27:03,204 --> 00:27:03,744 I'm like, ah, 601 00:27:04,554 --> 00:27:04,884 I dunno. 602 00:27:06,594 --> 00:27:06,954 . So, Dr. 603 00:27:06,954 --> 00:27:08,724 Valdez, the miracles happened, right? 604 00:27:08,807 --> 00:27:12,347 We're fathers officially with this tiny child that's now embedded in our heart. 605 00:27:12,407 --> 00:27:15,857 Because once they put that baby in your arms, it is there. 606 00:27:15,924 --> 00:27:17,458 I don't understand fathers who don't. 607 00:27:17,878 --> 00:27:21,328 Feel that way, but what are the first steps we need to 608 00:27:21,328 --> 00:27:23,488 take in this new relationship? 609 00:27:24,058 --> 00:27:28,869 Because now it's us and our spouse our partner, and this baby, right? 610 00:27:28,869 --> 00:27:30,773 Our circle just got bigger. 611 00:27:31,583 --> 00:27:32,723 What are the first steps we should take? 612 00:27:34,493 --> 00:27:39,182 I think there's this magic hour right after delivery where so much 613 00:27:39,212 --> 00:27:44,379 happens that sets up the hormonal cascade for mom and for baby, and 614 00:27:44,379 --> 00:27:46,329 dad can be a part of that as well. 615 00:27:46,779 --> 00:27:50,979 This is usually a time when mom, they've studied, she usually posts or responds 616 00:27:50,979 --> 00:27:56,559 to about 60 different texts or social media, you know, dms about the birth and 617 00:27:56,559 --> 00:28:00,369 the baby, and she wants to post pictures and they look like a little pink potato. 618 00:28:00,369 --> 00:28:01,689 At that point, they're not super cute. 619 00:28:01,694 --> 00:28:05,229 It's okay if you wait for that hour to pass before you start posting everything 620 00:28:05,234 --> 00:28:06,489 and talking to everybody in the world. 621 00:28:06,819 --> 00:28:09,529 Just take an hour to be that little circle. 622 00:28:10,809 --> 00:28:12,379 You can excuse your birth team. 623 00:28:12,386 --> 00:28:13,886 Doctors and nurses can leave the room. 624 00:28:13,886 --> 00:28:18,176 You guys can just be quiet and alone, count fingers and toes, you know, just 625 00:28:18,626 --> 00:28:21,806 take that time to really connect with each other and with that baby and start 626 00:28:21,806 --> 00:28:27,176 forming that bond because your body starts to release that oxytocin, which is the 627 00:28:27,176 --> 00:28:31,616 bonding hormone, and it's the master hormone in the body that starts mom on the 628 00:28:31,616 --> 00:28:33,476 recovery process from labor and delivery. 629 00:28:33,746 --> 00:28:36,116 It actually causes what we call evolution of the uterus. 630 00:28:36,116 --> 00:28:38,636 So it starts going back to its normal size and location. 631 00:28:38,708 --> 00:28:43,100 She starts producing breast milk and that is time in baby friendly 632 00:28:43,105 --> 00:28:44,240 hospitals is what they call 'em. 633 00:28:44,240 --> 00:28:47,677 Nowadays is pretty much standard practice everywhere outside of the United States 634 00:28:47,677 --> 00:28:49,980 that burst practices are incorporat. 635 00:28:50,035 --> 00:28:53,988 On the international level, but they actually have co-sleeping. 636 00:28:54,138 --> 00:28:57,498 They have large hospital beds where dad can climb up there right next to mom 637 00:28:57,738 --> 00:28:59,188 and they can cuddle this little person. 638 00:28:59,218 --> 00:29:01,648 You can practice skin to skin contact with that baby. 639 00:29:01,918 --> 00:29:04,378 And while mom's resting or getting cleaned up or whatever she does, 640 00:29:04,618 --> 00:29:09,388 if dad just puts it on his chest, that skin tokin contact will share 641 00:29:09,393 --> 00:29:11,038 healthy bacteria back and forth. 642 00:29:11,338 --> 00:29:15,759 The heat and the sensation of his heartbeat will start to regulate that 643 00:29:15,764 --> 00:29:19,239 little nervous system down and be like, Hey, welcome to the planet little guy. 644 00:29:19,449 --> 00:29:22,168 You made it, it was stressful, it's touch and go, whatever it was. 645 00:29:22,168 --> 00:29:23,885 You can down-regulate, you can have a nap. 646 00:29:23,975 --> 00:29:24,635 You're connected. 647 00:29:24,640 --> 00:29:25,505 You belong here. 648 00:29:25,745 --> 00:29:28,365 And that bonding hormone starts working. 649 00:29:28,395 --> 00:29:31,577 When there's skin to skin contact, like with that and it's quiet and 650 00:29:31,577 --> 00:29:35,777 you're not in this fight or flight mode anymore, now you're in the rest digest. 651 00:29:35,841 --> 00:29:37,191 Just being present. 652 00:29:37,311 --> 00:29:40,521 And I think that is an essential part of that first golden hour, 653 00:29:40,521 --> 00:29:42,021 they call it right after that. 654 00:29:42,291 --> 00:29:46,071 That's not a time when babies should go to a nursery, go have a bath, go fill 655 00:29:46,076 --> 00:29:50,270 out paperwork you know, look at getting discharged, any of that kind of stuff. 656 00:29:50,270 --> 00:29:53,450 As much as you can just eliminate the distractions and focus on 657 00:29:53,450 --> 00:29:56,888 being fully present as a husband, as a father and keep that little 658 00:29:56,888 --> 00:29:58,358 person protected and connected. 659 00:29:58,496 --> 00:30:02,641 That's when if mom is breastfeeding a great time for a lactation consultant 660 00:30:02,646 --> 00:30:06,360 or a midwife or a doula to come in and help with initiating the breastfeeding 661 00:30:06,360 --> 00:30:09,793 practice because colostrum, which is that first milk that baby is needing, 662 00:30:10,123 --> 00:30:11,869 that's when that starts to flow and come. 663 00:30:12,754 --> 00:30:13,504 Most often. 664 00:30:13,804 --> 00:30:16,264 And that is so nutrient dense and healthy. 665 00:30:16,654 --> 00:30:19,864 And I think dads should be present for all of those discussions. 666 00:30:19,864 --> 00:30:21,604 They can be like, oh honey, remember when she suggested 667 00:30:21,604 --> 00:30:22,779 this and this seemed to work. 668 00:30:22,779 --> 00:30:25,523 And they're learning things about Latch and they're learning about, 669 00:30:25,763 --> 00:30:29,543 you know, hunger cues and rooting reflexes and all those things that 670 00:30:29,543 --> 00:30:30,983 dads are totally disconnected out. 671 00:30:30,983 --> 00:30:33,143 You know, they're out in the foyer calling their parents. 672 00:30:33,143 --> 00:30:33,623 They're excited. 673 00:30:33,694 --> 00:30:34,264 I get that. 674 00:30:34,264 --> 00:30:38,224 You know, but if they can stay present for those types of conversations and play 675 00:30:38,224 --> 00:30:42,466 a role in that, so much better they'll be equipped for those conversations and 676 00:30:42,466 --> 00:30:44,215 those moments later on down the road, 677 00:30:45,535 --> 00:30:47,377 well, hey, you know, you're boosting my ego right now. 678 00:30:47,407 --> 00:30:50,587 Cuz I, I'm feeling it's like, Hey look, I did something right in my life. 679 00:30:50,587 --> 00:30:52,638 I, yeah I suck around for all that. 680 00:30:52,638 --> 00:30:53,808 It was an amazing time. 681 00:30:53,868 --> 00:30:58,682 Like that first hour after the baby was born we didn't text Sarah. 682 00:30:58,682 --> 00:31:03,302 My wife cuddled the child up to her and I sat down as close to them. 683 00:31:03,362 --> 00:31:05,773 We started talking and we didn't pick up the cell phones and start 684 00:31:05,773 --> 00:31:07,483 texting immediately or anything. 685 00:31:07,609 --> 00:31:13,639 Just talked how she was and marveled at this new little life in our world. 686 00:31:13,639 --> 00:31:15,379 So amazing. 687 00:31:15,649 --> 00:31:17,659 Thankfully our hospital was really good about that. 688 00:31:17,696 --> 00:31:18,326 So good. 689 00:31:18,326 --> 00:31:20,006 We're like, it's yours. 690 00:31:20,336 --> 00:31:20,576 Okay. 691 00:31:20,576 --> 00:31:23,426 And about an hour and a half we need to go ahead and weigh the baby 692 00:31:23,426 --> 00:31:25,256 and, you know, just do a once over. 693 00:31:25,261 --> 00:31:28,496 But this first time period, you know, if you want it, it's yours 694 00:31:28,496 --> 00:31:30,056 is like, yes, we want that. 695 00:31:30,190 --> 00:31:30,500 So awesome. 696 00:31:30,500 --> 00:31:32,456 I'm feeling good about my decisions in life there. 697 00:31:32,516 --> 00:31:34,706 That's . I made enough other bad decisions. 698 00:31:34,706 --> 00:31:35,606 I'm glad I started that. 699 00:31:35,611 --> 00:31:36,566 Right, right. 700 00:31:37,166 --> 00:31:37,946 Absolutely. 701 00:31:38,006 --> 00:31:41,039 No that's really commendable and it's increasingly rare. 702 00:31:41,129 --> 00:31:43,971 Unfortunately, we have a lot of parents who need to. 703 00:31:44,045 --> 00:31:47,225 Just be okay setting the phone down for a little bit, and all of those 704 00:31:47,230 --> 00:31:48,465 things can be done in the room. 705 00:31:48,465 --> 00:31:52,552 There's really no reason for mom and baby to be separated and in the healthiest 706 00:31:52,952 --> 00:31:54,532 hospitals with the best birth outcomes. 707 00:31:54,772 --> 00:31:54,862 Mm-hmm. 708 00:31:55,102 --> 00:31:57,052 , moms and babies are always kept together. 709 00:31:57,124 --> 00:31:59,084 Couplet care, they call it our kangaroo care. 710 00:31:59,084 --> 00:32:01,715 Dyads, there's a whole bunch of terminology around that of just 711 00:32:01,715 --> 00:32:03,065 keeping mom and baby together. 712 00:32:03,425 --> 00:32:06,005 And dad can be a huge advocate for that and be like, okay, well 713 00:32:06,455 --> 00:32:08,176 why do you have to take them away? 714 00:32:08,222 --> 00:32:09,302 Why do we have to separate 'em? 715 00:32:09,438 --> 00:32:11,858 You know, and again, those are conversations you can have with hospital 716 00:32:11,863 --> 00:32:15,338 administrators, with your ob gyn, with your, you know, your birth team 717 00:32:15,338 --> 00:32:17,858 beforehand so that you don't have to make those in the heat of the moment. 718 00:32:18,548 --> 00:32:19,668 So I, where you go. 719 00:32:19,668 --> 00:32:20,313 We lucked out. 720 00:32:20,313 --> 00:32:23,449 We had a really the birthing center at the hospital where my daughters 721 00:32:23,449 --> 00:32:25,549 were born was really good about that. 722 00:32:25,549 --> 00:32:29,089 Like when they finally needed to weigh the baby and do the checks and stuff. 723 00:32:29,539 --> 00:32:30,439 I carried her. 724 00:32:30,529 --> 00:32:31,489 I went with the nurse. 725 00:32:31,609 --> 00:32:35,629 I stayed with the baby the entire time when they were checking her out. 726 00:32:36,319 --> 00:32:39,199 I was standing right there with them there. 727 00:32:39,229 --> 00:32:40,309 The, there was no point. 728 00:32:40,309 --> 00:32:43,009 She was out of our control in the first couple hours. 729 00:32:43,038 --> 00:32:46,038 And then we, ours was the kangaroo care, like she stayed with us. 730 00:32:46,848 --> 00:32:47,328 Perfect. 731 00:32:47,328 --> 00:32:49,008 Unfortunately, that, that's how it's intended to 732 00:32:49,008 --> 00:32:49,188 be. 733 00:32:49,267 --> 00:32:52,117 The first one was premature, so she had to be under the lights for a while. 734 00:32:52,117 --> 00:32:55,032 But that happened in our room with me sitting right beside it, and 735 00:32:55,032 --> 00:32:56,772 that right beside my wife's bed. 736 00:32:56,772 --> 00:32:58,173 So it was a great experience as 737 00:32:58,453 --> 00:32:58,693 a father. 738 00:32:58,953 --> 00:32:59,043 Huh? 739 00:32:59,043 --> 00:33:01,413 Like, how did that make you feel as a father? 740 00:33:01,563 --> 00:33:03,993 Like, don't you feel like you have a role, you have purpose there? 741 00:33:05,163 --> 00:33:05,403 I 742 00:33:05,403 --> 00:33:07,173 was insanely protective. 743 00:33:07,267 --> 00:33:08,526 Like, you couldn't run me out of there. 744 00:33:08,577 --> 00:33:13,317 My, my daughter, my first daughter was born premature and could not nurse. 745 00:33:13,587 --> 00:33:15,927 Like, she didn't even have that developed reflex yet. 746 00:33:16,587 --> 00:33:16,677 Mm-hmm. 747 00:33:17,157 --> 00:33:20,427 . And when she started developing that reflex, she was too 748 00:33:20,427 --> 00:33:21,616 weak to nurse on her own. 749 00:33:21,616 --> 00:33:23,815 It was a very frustrating time going through that. 750 00:33:24,175 --> 00:33:27,235 My wife was, bless her heart was feeling so frustrated because. 751 00:33:27,910 --> 00:33:32,170 She was working with a great lactation nurse who was trying to help her. 752 00:33:32,350 --> 00:33:36,010 And the baby wouldn't latch or couldn't, nurse didn't have that 753 00:33:36,010 --> 00:33:38,050 drive to try and suckle mm-hmm. 754 00:33:38,500 --> 00:33:39,850 . And so that was very frustrating. 755 00:33:39,850 --> 00:33:41,182 And then she was a swaddle baby. 756 00:33:41,182 --> 00:33:44,722 She was, she loved to be wrapped up real tight, but then she had to be under 757 00:33:44,722 --> 00:33:46,882 the lights for hours and hours a day. 758 00:33:46,942 --> 00:33:47,482 Unwrap. 759 00:33:48,502 --> 00:33:49,192 Mm-hmm. 760 00:33:49,432 --> 00:33:56,168 . And I felt so terrified because here's this thing I was staying toe to toe with 761 00:33:56,168 --> 00:33:58,088 a bear over my kids without question. 762 00:33:58,598 --> 00:33:59,288 And here's this thing. 763 00:33:59,288 --> 00:34:03,068 I was powerless to fight or do anything about right. 764 00:34:03,068 --> 00:34:04,928 My size, my strength, my speed. 765 00:34:04,938 --> 00:34:11,340 Nothing about the male part of me could do anything to fix the problem at hand. 766 00:34:11,340 --> 00:34:13,424 It's actually taken a lot of years for me to get okay, even 767 00:34:13,424 --> 00:34:14,414 when my kids getting sick. 768 00:34:14,744 --> 00:34:17,774 When my kids get sick, I still get hyper frustrated. 769 00:34:17,774 --> 00:34:21,494 I get more edgy, not with them, but with everybody else, because 770 00:34:21,494 --> 00:34:23,814 I feel helpless to make it better. 771 00:34:23,814 --> 00:34:25,136 It's that thing I can't fight. 772 00:34:26,816 --> 00:34:28,861 And so yeah, early on that was rough. 773 00:34:28,861 --> 00:34:33,149 We were in the hospital for, we were in the ICU for a and we were 774 00:34:33,149 --> 00:34:36,779 sleeping two of us in a room that's meant to have one adult and the baby. 775 00:34:37,769 --> 00:34:39,629 We would not let the nurses do the feedings. 776 00:34:39,779 --> 00:34:41,069 We would get up in the middle of the night. 777 00:34:41,249 --> 00:34:44,939 We had to feed her every three hours, and we did all of them. 778 00:34:44,939 --> 00:34:46,139 We would not let the nurses help. 779 00:34:46,739 --> 00:34:48,029 We would not let her out of our sight. 780 00:34:49,529 --> 00:34:52,259 I would not go home until the last night I finally went home. 781 00:34:52,259 --> 00:34:54,269 When they said, okay, tomorrow you should be able to go home. 782 00:34:54,362 --> 00:34:57,632 We, I finally went home and got the house ready to come 783 00:34:57,632 --> 00:35:00,474 back and get her and the baby. 784 00:35:00,714 --> 00:35:03,024 But it was long. 785 00:35:03,024 --> 00:35:07,224 Our baby was really healthy compared to a lot of babies when they're born. 786 00:35:07,344 --> 00:35:10,974 I mean, we were very blessed that she was jaundice and she didn't have. 787 00:35:12,999 --> 00:35:15,909 That need to suck yet that drive to feed. 788 00:35:17,019 --> 00:35:20,229 But that was all that was wrong with her for being almost a month early. 789 00:35:20,829 --> 00:35:24,279 She was at a healthy weight and size and everything else. 790 00:35:24,279 --> 00:35:29,979 But it just in the moment as a parent, I knew logically, rationally, 791 00:35:30,729 --> 00:35:31,719 that we were very blessed. 792 00:35:31,719 --> 00:35:36,129 And my baby was actually really, it could have been so much worse, but 793 00:35:36,129 --> 00:35:43,329 I was so hostile and angry at the moment because I could not protect 794 00:35:43,329 --> 00:35:44,679 my child anymore than I could. 795 00:35:45,969 --> 00:35:48,252 And so that was a really rough time for us starting out. 796 00:35:50,112 --> 00:35:51,797 So it was interesting for sure. 797 00:35:52,937 --> 00:35:53,237 Wow. 798 00:35:53,237 --> 00:35:56,867 And a lot of that is understanding what is in your control and what's in your 799 00:35:56,867 --> 00:35:59,463 power to influence and affect the outcome. 800 00:36:00,003 --> 00:36:02,913 And then at some point you have to just surrender the rest of. 801 00:36:03,783 --> 00:36:05,493 You know what really isn't up to us? 802 00:36:05,883 --> 00:36:07,203 And that's a scary part there. 803 00:36:07,267 --> 00:36:09,953 And when people try to convince you the things that are outside your control 804 00:36:09,953 --> 00:36:13,103 are things that are in your control that adds stress and vice versa. 805 00:36:13,133 --> 00:36:15,833 When they try to talk you out of exercising your role as a father and a 806 00:36:15,833 --> 00:36:20,421 protector and get you separated from that family unit that's where things go awry. 807 00:36:20,931 --> 00:36:24,771 And we intervene increasingly in the birth process in this country. 808 00:36:25,431 --> 00:36:28,431 We're the only country in the world right now with a rising 809 00:36:28,461 --> 00:36:32,423 infant mortality, morbidity, and mother or maternal mortality rate. 810 00:36:32,423 --> 00:36:35,772 Every other country has reduced that significantly over the last few years. 811 00:36:36,072 --> 00:36:38,202 And the US is the only one that we're going the opposite way. 812 00:36:38,202 --> 00:36:41,922 We're actually losing more moms and babies, and I think that's the result. 813 00:36:42,567 --> 00:36:43,677 It seems very backwards. 814 00:36:43,677 --> 00:36:48,027 We're spending way more than anybody else is, and we're doing more, quote 815 00:36:48,027 --> 00:36:49,258 unquote we're intervening more. 816 00:36:49,263 --> 00:36:52,467 We have more c-sections than that's the most common surgical 817 00:36:52,467 --> 00:36:53,817 intervention in our country right now. 818 00:36:54,057 --> 00:36:56,947 We're spending so much money on epidurals like your wife you 819 00:36:56,947 --> 00:36:58,449 know, refused on that incident. 820 00:36:58,449 --> 00:37:02,645 And we're doing so much that we feel like we have more control, but the opposite 821 00:37:02,645 --> 00:37:04,285 is happening, and we're losing control. 822 00:37:04,285 --> 00:37:07,699 We're losing the battle in so many ways because we convince 823 00:37:07,699 --> 00:37:10,459 ourselves that we can control every outcome in every alternative. 824 00:37:10,819 --> 00:37:12,349 And sometimes babies are premature. 825 00:37:12,349 --> 00:37:16,339 Sometimes they just need mom and dad present and feeding 826 00:37:16,339 --> 00:37:17,209 them through the night. 827 00:37:17,629 --> 00:37:22,729 And man, there's a special bond you get in the NICU when spending a week there. 828 00:37:22,759 --> 00:37:25,399 I work with parents who have spent months there, you know, 829 00:37:25,399 --> 00:37:27,104 with all kinds of these things. 830 00:37:27,164 --> 00:37:30,821 And so that's something we wanna just acknowledge that leads to some P T 831 00:37:30,821 --> 00:37:33,281 S D and some postpartum stressors. 832 00:37:33,311 --> 00:37:37,106 You know, when kids get sick, it, that all comes back so, Oh yeah, 833 00:37:37,106 --> 00:37:38,636 Sarah got pneumonia while she was there. 834 00:37:39,386 --> 00:37:39,986 We, oh man. 835 00:37:40,076 --> 00:37:47,306 It was just such a un great situation with us barely sleeping and the room really 836 00:37:47,306 --> 00:37:49,586 wasn't made for two of us to be there. 837 00:37:49,630 --> 00:37:53,920 I was on my way back cuz we live about 40 miles away from the hospital. 838 00:37:54,490 --> 00:37:58,000 I'm on my way back to pick up my wife and daughter, and I get a call from 839 00:37:58,000 --> 00:38:02,740 our nurse and she's like, Hey, Sarah, how to be taken to the emergency room? 840 00:38:02,740 --> 00:38:03,520 I've got the baby. 841 00:38:03,520 --> 00:38:04,420 She's fine. 842 00:38:05,410 --> 00:38:05,800 And I'm like, 843 00:38:07,060 --> 00:38:07,360 right. 844 00:38:07,420 --> 00:38:10,170 I mean, I went into I might have made the rest of that drive a 845 00:38:10,170 --> 00:38:13,680 little fast saying it's a possibility. 846 00:38:13,733 --> 00:38:14,677 Man, yeah it was. 847 00:38:15,217 --> 00:38:19,147 But like I said, I knew logically there are so many parents who are 848 00:38:19,152 --> 00:38:20,707 in such a worse situation, right? 849 00:38:20,837 --> 00:38:21,447 Mm-hmm. 850 00:38:21,532 --> 00:38:24,157 , we, our baby was essentially healthy and it was all treatable. 851 00:38:25,162 --> 00:38:27,352 There are parents who have to fight much worse fights, and 852 00:38:27,352 --> 00:38:29,062 it's like, I don't know, man. 853 00:38:29,062 --> 00:38:30,472 I just, that week was enough. 854 00:38:32,332 --> 00:38:33,922 I was pretty vicious to anybody too. 855 00:38:35,272 --> 00:38:38,632 . Well, and you bring up an interesting point because there's a logical, conscious 856 00:38:38,632 --> 00:38:42,269 part of our brain and mom, I see this you know, through, I adjust moms during 857 00:38:42,274 --> 00:38:45,078 labor and delivery and I'm there to adjust babies right as they come out. 858 00:38:45,128 --> 00:38:49,298 And I see mom's conscious, logical problem solving part of her brain 859 00:38:49,298 --> 00:38:52,238 say, okay, that's my husband, that's my ob, this is my baby. 860 00:38:52,478 --> 00:38:53,228 This is all, okay. 861 00:38:53,228 --> 00:38:54,368 We're safe, we're here. 862 00:38:54,698 --> 00:38:59,508 But the disconnected birth you know, she has an epidural, she maybe an emergency 863 00:38:59,508 --> 00:39:04,534 C-section or she's just so drugged up or disconnected that things just aren't on 864 00:39:04,539 --> 00:39:09,414 the subconscious level, on the very deep, visceral feeling, responding, nervous, 865 00:39:09,414 --> 00:39:12,594 system driven part of her body, sh she's. 866 00:39:13,374 --> 00:39:14,901 You know, she really doesn't know what's happening. 867 00:39:14,901 --> 00:39:18,991 And that oxytocin isn't hitting the, all the things are kind of backwards 868 00:39:19,321 --> 00:39:22,741 and that leads to a lot of postpartum issues and stressors and things like 869 00:39:22,741 --> 00:39:26,611 that because it's not all about our conscious brain of saying, oh, you 870 00:39:26,611 --> 00:39:28,591 know, babies reasonably healthy. 871 00:39:28,596 --> 00:39:29,401 We have it pretty good. 872 00:39:29,401 --> 00:39:33,631 You know, you can think that, but your body might have a different 873 00:39:33,931 --> 00:39:35,221 feeling or a different opinion. 874 00:39:35,491 --> 00:39:39,168 That's a very deep operating system level alarm system. 875 00:39:39,888 --> 00:39:41,388 And so we have to acknowledge that too. 876 00:39:41,388 --> 00:39:46,736 And anything we can do to bring the physiological, the automatic part 877 00:39:46,736 --> 00:39:50,003 of our nervous system in line with what a conscious side believes and 878 00:39:50,003 --> 00:39:51,713 behaves, that's what we should do. 879 00:39:51,803 --> 00:39:55,613 So a lot of times spending those hours together and that time of just 880 00:39:55,613 --> 00:39:57,353 disconnecting and focusing is good. 881 00:39:57,503 --> 00:39:59,153 So now, 882 00:39:59,213 --> 00:39:59,453 Dr. 883 00:39:59,453 --> 00:40:02,813 Valdez, you are a chiropractor and you mentioned that you make 884 00:40:02,813 --> 00:40:05,811 adjustments even during birth and with the baby after birth. 885 00:40:06,251 --> 00:40:10,151 What are the benefits to the mother and child to have a chiropractor right there? 886 00:40:11,381 --> 00:40:15,281 So, chiropractic we're chiropractors are primarily nerve doctors. 887 00:40:15,281 --> 00:40:19,721 I'm focused on the nervous system, and when mom is in labor and that 888 00:40:19,726 --> 00:40:23,367 body is in that fight or flight mode we want to restore as much balance as 889 00:40:23,367 --> 00:40:26,847 we can and make sure that things are moving, like they're supposed to, the 890 00:40:26,847 --> 00:40:31,197 pelvis and low back and everything is aligned for optimal birth presentation. 891 00:40:31,197 --> 00:40:35,574 I, I know my role, I stay in my lane, and so I will wait until the 892 00:40:35,574 --> 00:40:38,934 ob or the, you know, the midwife, whoever's running the show, can 893 00:40:38,934 --> 00:40:42,504 check their expertise off the list. 894 00:40:42,534 --> 00:40:47,664 And then they hand it to me, you know, 20 seconds later sometimes, and just say, you 895 00:40:47,664 --> 00:40:49,254 know, she's ready for a little alignment. 896 00:40:49,524 --> 00:40:52,132 And I'll check the bones, mostly in the upper part of their neck 897 00:40:52,132 --> 00:40:55,087 just to make sure that things are moving well, that the lights are 898 00:40:55,092 --> 00:40:56,417 turned on in that nervous system. 899 00:40:56,417 --> 00:40:59,628 I use pinkies most of the time and I've worked on NICU 900 00:40:59,628 --> 00:41:01,308 babies that are in Isolette. 901 00:41:01,398 --> 00:41:03,648 You know, where I can glove up, I can go in there. 902 00:41:04,008 --> 00:41:06,858 Those are the coolest adjustments because they're hooked up to live monitors. 903 00:41:06,858 --> 00:41:10,278 I can see their O two stats and their heart rate, and so when I make an 904 00:41:10,278 --> 00:41:14,133 adjustment to the nervous system of a brand new little body, It is so 905 00:41:14,133 --> 00:41:18,838 ready and primed to thrive that you can start to see improvements and 906 00:41:18,838 --> 00:41:23,158 reversals of stress patterns and this failure to thrive diagnosis and things. 907 00:41:23,638 --> 00:41:26,398 And I use about as much pressure as you, you know, you'd probably put 908 00:41:26,398 --> 00:41:29,128 on your eyeball before you start to see spots or like when you're 909 00:41:29,133 --> 00:41:30,619 testing a tomato at the supermarket. 910 00:41:30,619 --> 00:41:31,854 It's very light pressure. 911 00:41:32,124 --> 00:41:35,454 Nothing ever pops or cracks, you know, like we associate chiropractic 912 00:41:35,454 --> 00:41:38,604 adjustments with, but it's very specific, it's very gentle. 913 00:41:38,874 --> 00:41:42,954 And when it's aligned, boy, that brain and that body talk to each other 914 00:41:42,984 --> 00:41:44,664 like they were initially intended to. 915 00:41:45,174 --> 00:41:48,785 And a lot of times with, especially with c-section bursts, with some you 916 00:41:48,785 --> 00:41:52,655 know, traumatic vaginal deliveries, there's something called birth trauma 917 00:41:52,715 --> 00:41:56,105 that can happen to that system where things get out of alignment, things 918 00:41:56,105 --> 00:41:59,825 get stretched or pulled, or baby's just stuck in this fight or flight 919 00:41:59,825 --> 00:42:01,295 mode, you know, this defensive mode. 920 00:42:01,655 --> 00:42:03,785 And we can't be in growth and protection at the same time. 921 00:42:04,295 --> 00:42:08,345 So as long as the body is in this abundance mentality, and I can kind of 922 00:42:08,345 --> 00:42:11,855 turn on the lights there, man, their little bodies, they know what to do. 923 00:42:11,885 --> 00:42:12,905 We just gotta get outta the way. 924 00:42:13,475 --> 00:42:16,384 So that's what my philosophy is as I adjust those little people, 925 00:42:16,654 --> 00:42:19,144 they don't have back pain or headaches or anything like that. 926 00:42:19,144 --> 00:42:22,144 You know, like, like we typically associate it with, it's all 927 00:42:22,144 --> 00:42:25,774 about optimizing that system and keeping them in the healthiest 928 00:42:26,134 --> 00:42:27,454 growth mentality that we can. 929 00:42:28,354 --> 00:42:28,714 Guys, 930 00:42:28,714 --> 00:42:31,654 if you're getting something out of this, please leave us a comment. 931 00:42:31,659 --> 00:42:34,144 Go review a sample podcast, help us out. 932 00:42:34,144 --> 00:42:35,674 It helps us keep doing things like this. 933 00:42:35,674 --> 00:42:37,624 We answer all the questions in the comment section. 934 00:42:37,701 --> 00:42:39,111 But we are just, Dr. 935 00:42:39,116 --> 00:42:42,201 Valdez is just loading this off with all kinds of golden information here. 936 00:42:42,831 --> 00:42:43,431 Now, Dr. 937 00:42:43,431 --> 00:42:47,181 Valdez, can you help me separate and clarify some stuff here? 938 00:42:47,841 --> 00:42:52,011 What is the difference between just the term postpartum and postpartum depression? 939 00:42:52,041 --> 00:42:56,241 Because most time when men hear the word postpartum, we hear 940 00:42:56,241 --> 00:42:59,961 postpartum depression and it's a negative connotation immediately. 941 00:43:00,231 --> 00:43:01,701 I know it confused me as dad. 942 00:43:02,541 --> 00:43:04,461 But that's separate from just postpartum. 943 00:43:04,731 --> 00:43:05,751 Can you clarify 944 00:43:05,751 --> 00:43:06,021 that? 945 00:43:06,081 --> 00:43:06,201 Yes. 946 00:43:06,771 --> 00:43:10,525 So postpartum just refers to anything after delivery and however we define that. 947 00:43:10,765 --> 00:43:14,535 So, there's kind of a terminology out there that I really like, which is 948 00:43:14,535 --> 00:43:18,061 the fourth trimester which is kind of after mom's delivered the baby. 949 00:43:18,091 --> 00:43:21,181 How does she kind of get back into the swing of things as far 950 00:43:21,181 --> 00:43:22,995 as recovering from the birth? 951 00:43:23,007 --> 00:43:24,401 There's a lot of physiological change. 952 00:43:24,401 --> 00:43:27,551 We're reversing everything that happened in pregnancy during 953 00:43:27,551 --> 00:43:29,081 the later stages of pregnancy. 954 00:43:29,081 --> 00:43:33,377 Her body releases a lot of chemical called relaxin, and that acts on the 955 00:43:33,407 --> 00:43:36,710 ligaments in the hips and the joints of her pelvis, getting things ready 956 00:43:36,710 --> 00:43:42,361 to open and release and relax as the name would imply for easy delivery. 957 00:43:42,541 --> 00:43:45,451 And so that relaxing hormone will stay. 958 00:43:45,501 --> 00:43:49,087 As she's breastfeeding it kind of comes in little waves but that oxytocin 959 00:43:49,087 --> 00:43:50,633 is designed to be there with it. 960 00:43:50,633 --> 00:43:53,495 And the prolactin, which is the hormone that creates breast milk. 961 00:43:54,005 --> 00:43:57,455 And so all of these hormones work in symphony with each other. 962 00:43:57,493 --> 00:44:00,953 During delivery, there's a whole bunch of hormonal changes that mom undergoes. 963 00:44:01,022 --> 00:44:04,912 And one of the first things we do in the medical intervention side of things is we 964 00:44:04,912 --> 00:44:08,982 step into the middle of this hormone cycle and we start changing things around that 965 00:44:08,982 --> 00:44:13,302 epidural, you know, where they put that needle in the low back and it blocks pain 966 00:44:13,302 --> 00:44:15,295 signals to the lower half of her body. 967 00:44:16,015 --> 00:44:18,485 Now her brain isn't running the show on any of that. 968 00:44:18,485 --> 00:44:20,720 It's the doctors and the nurses that are pulling and pushing and 969 00:44:21,090 --> 00:44:22,160 coordinating contractions and things. 970 00:44:22,160 --> 00:44:25,642 And it's kind of put her nervous system on the back burner for 971 00:44:25,642 --> 00:44:29,932 that intense and important part of this whole operation and. 972 00:44:30,562 --> 00:44:34,342 Because of that, a lot of times she'll get a pain block now 973 00:44:34,402 --> 00:44:36,472 a mom's threshold for pain. 974 00:44:36,472 --> 00:44:39,442 It's very personal and she should always be the one to say when 975 00:44:39,442 --> 00:44:42,262 she's feeling too much pain and once an intervention on that. 976 00:44:42,352 --> 00:44:46,612 I totally advocate for medical autonomy on that front, but she needs 977 00:44:46,612 --> 00:44:50,422 to realize, there reaches a point where the brain can't process any more 978 00:44:50,422 --> 00:44:54,802 pain and it releases what are called catecholamines, which are very strong 979 00:44:54,802 --> 00:45:01,222 pain receptors like opioids, basically to just kind of go into this zen state. 980 00:45:01,342 --> 00:45:05,582 Where mom is it's kind of a euphoric and a very spiritual experience for a 981 00:45:05,587 --> 00:45:09,542 lot of them, and that's because these hormones are protecting her from the 982 00:45:09,542 --> 00:45:11,282 pain threshold that she has reached. 983 00:45:11,732 --> 00:45:14,372 And that's what triggers this oxytocin release and all of this 984 00:45:14,372 --> 00:45:15,992 stuff that has to happen naturally. 985 00:45:16,442 --> 00:45:20,342 And a lot of times when moms have sufficient levels of those hormones 986 00:45:20,342 --> 00:45:24,469 going they've shown protective effects against postpartum depression afterwards. 987 00:45:25,754 --> 00:45:27,964 Contrast that with a mom who is disconnected. 988 00:45:27,964 --> 00:45:32,358 Baby's gone whisked outta the room, washed and brought back, and you 989 00:45:32,358 --> 00:45:33,738 know, the baby smells like soap. 990 00:45:33,768 --> 00:45:34,938 It doesn't smell like mom. 991 00:45:35,016 --> 00:45:39,576 There's sensory cues that she's not aware of that are very operating, 992 00:45:39,581 --> 00:45:41,106 very subconsciously and telling her. 993 00:45:41,451 --> 00:45:44,361 This is your human, like you did it, you're a mom now. 994 00:45:44,721 --> 00:45:49,011 And that bonding is so essential and in instances where that is so 995 00:45:49,011 --> 00:45:53,301 fundamentally disrupted, we see moms that aren't quite ready to step into that 996 00:45:53,301 --> 00:45:56,721 postpartum role or that are struggling with feeling like they're adequate. 997 00:45:57,081 --> 00:45:59,391 And the first thing we need to do is just consciously address it. 998 00:45:59,601 --> 00:46:00,921 Say, mom, you are enough. 999 00:46:00,921 --> 00:46:02,241 Like this little person needs you. 1000 00:46:02,601 --> 00:46:06,088 And as your husband, as the father I need you to be present for that. 1001 00:46:06,088 --> 00:46:09,778 So whatever I can, like, if it's the dishes that's stressing you out, if it's 1002 00:46:09,778 --> 00:46:12,388 our next door neighbor who just won't leave you alone, like whatever it has 1003 00:46:12,393 --> 00:46:16,873 to be I'll be that defender for you and I'll take what I can on, but you need 1004 00:46:16,873 --> 00:46:20,473 to do what you are uniquely qualified to do and I'm gonna help you do that. 1005 00:46:20,983 --> 00:46:24,733 That is the first step to kind of addressing that postpartum stress is 1006 00:46:24,733 --> 00:46:26,293 just letting her know she is enough. 1007 00:46:26,983 --> 00:46:31,736 And there's some great experts out there that are far more versed in how to return 1008 00:46:31,736 --> 00:46:36,947 to physical activity and physical intimacy and things like that postpartum that. 1009 00:46:37,602 --> 00:46:42,524 That timeline, that process is different for everybody and it should be, and that 1010 00:46:42,524 --> 00:46:45,594 should be something that as a husband we're very, em, you know, sensitive 1011 00:46:45,594 --> 00:46:47,433 to and responsive to those needs. 1012 00:46:47,457 --> 00:46:51,613 And if that means taking some time off work, if that means unplugging 1013 00:46:51,733 --> 00:46:56,503 technology or just being present for her needs and desires as she returns 1014 00:46:56,503 --> 00:47:01,693 to functioning status, I mean, birth is, it'll take it out of a person. 1015 00:47:02,323 --> 00:47:05,896 , there's I'm really grateful I'm never gonna have to go through that, but 1016 00:47:05,954 --> 00:47:10,364 I'm really passionate about setting every mom up for success on the 1017 00:47:10,394 --> 00:47:12,854 return journey after delivery happens. 1018 00:47:12,910 --> 00:47:16,305 I think that's something that we, as a society we need to be a lot more aware of. 1019 00:47:16,815 --> 00:47:19,665 And postpartum shouldn't always be paired with postpartum depression. 1020 00:47:20,055 --> 00:47:22,468 It should be a celebration of getting her back on her feet and 1021 00:47:22,468 --> 00:47:25,163 out in the community and getting that baby, you know, introduced to 1022 00:47:25,163 --> 00:47:26,938 the world in phases as you need. 1023 00:47:27,448 --> 00:47:27,628 We 1024 00:47:27,628 --> 00:47:29,459 actually did something that a lot of people. 1025 00:47:29,729 --> 00:47:34,986 I got a lot of pushback from family members and friends, but we actually 1026 00:47:34,986 --> 00:47:38,016 told no, everybody, no one was allowed to come over for the first 30 days. 1027 00:47:38,115 --> 00:47:42,870 As it was, we had a roommate at the time and she actually would get up 1028 00:47:42,930 --> 00:47:46,020 and do, Sarah would pump and she'd do one of the bottle feedings at 1029 00:47:46,020 --> 00:47:47,070 like two o'clock in the morning. 1030 00:47:47,070 --> 00:47:51,840 So Sarah and I could get a little more sleep, but my mom stayed with 1031 00:47:51,845 --> 00:47:56,160 us to help with housework, so we weren't worried about that and 1032 00:47:56,160 --> 00:47:57,510 didn't have to worry about that. 1033 00:47:58,170 --> 00:48:00,318 But we told everybody else like, Nope it's just us. 1034 00:48:00,318 --> 00:48:02,208 We need to learn what this looks like. 1035 00:48:02,208 --> 00:48:03,648 We need to get into our routine. 1036 00:48:04,278 --> 00:48:07,158 We need to see how this feels with having three of us here. 1037 00:48:08,298 --> 00:48:13,010 And it angered a lot of people, but I think it was a wise 1038 00:48:13,010 --> 00:48:15,202 choice especially absolutely in that 1039 00:48:15,352 --> 00:48:19,342 preemie like, you know, a month, early phase with the baby. 1040 00:48:19,342 --> 00:48:22,162 I think it really made a lot of sense. 1041 00:48:23,137 --> 00:48:26,724 But it gave us that time to just be plus right? 1042 00:48:26,724 --> 00:48:28,224 And figure out what that was gonna look like. 1043 00:48:29,124 --> 00:48:29,574 So 1044 00:48:30,174 --> 00:48:33,444 let me, and a lot of that of kind of reassembling your tribe after 1045 00:48:33,444 --> 00:48:37,644 that is built, it's just as much about keeping the wrong types of 1046 00:48:37,644 --> 00:48:42,114 opinions and people away as it is bringing the right people in as well. 1047 00:48:42,504 --> 00:48:45,564 And you look at how Anciently our ancestors would do it, and we would 1048 00:48:45,564 --> 00:48:50,360 have our tribe of you know, roommates or extended family that would come 1049 00:48:50,360 --> 00:48:51,770 in and out and help where they can. 1050 00:48:51,843 --> 00:48:56,996 And that's not a bad thing, but yeah it's a process and people need to respect the 1051 00:48:56,996 --> 00:49:02,047 autonomy of that new family unit and then when the time is right, get that baby out 1052 00:49:02,047 --> 00:49:04,556 and exposed to the right kind of people. 1053 00:49:04,556 --> 00:49:08,487 And I guess philosophically it comes down to that thought again is how much 1054 00:49:08,487 --> 00:49:12,957 do I think this child is inherently flawed and weak and needs intervention? 1055 00:49:13,317 --> 00:49:16,287 Or are we approaching this from a place of human beings are. 1056 00:49:16,917 --> 00:49:18,177 Fearfully and wonderfully made. 1057 00:49:18,177 --> 00:49:20,118 You know, we are created to thrive. 1058 00:49:20,538 --> 00:49:22,338 So I'm gonna trust this baby's immune system. 1059 00:49:22,338 --> 00:49:24,498 I'm gonna trust mom's immune system. 1060 00:49:25,038 --> 00:49:27,719 There's incredible benefit from breastfeeding, you know, just 1061 00:49:27,869 --> 00:49:29,439 from the immune system standpoint. 1062 00:49:29,859 --> 00:49:33,682 And how much do we trust that, you know, evolutionary process or that 1063 00:49:33,682 --> 00:49:37,897 divine creation of creative process is protecting these little nervous 1064 00:49:37,897 --> 00:49:39,277 systems, these little immune systems. 1065 00:49:39,360 --> 00:49:42,180 And so you approach it with a, with an attitude of confidence and a 1066 00:49:42,180 --> 00:49:46,020 faith in humanity and a faith in the world around it, and a faith 1067 00:49:46,025 --> 00:49:47,490 in the design of the human body. 1068 00:49:47,880 --> 00:49:49,110 To keep you safe and healthy. 1069 00:49:49,440 --> 00:49:51,480 That really helps the reentry process so well. 1070 00:49:51,750 --> 00:49:54,720 So many moms that I see right now that struggle with postpartum depression, 1071 00:49:55,080 --> 00:49:58,680 it's these moms that have lived in the last two years in so much isolation and 1072 00:49:58,680 --> 00:50:03,084 fear, you know, and some rightfully so with, you know, certain pandemic issues. 1073 00:50:03,089 --> 00:50:07,974 But the majority of them just need to not be so scared of 1074 00:50:07,974 --> 00:50:09,504 what they really can't control. 1075 00:50:09,534 --> 00:50:09,934 Yeah. 1076 00:50:09,934 --> 00:50:13,077 And just come at it from a place of confidence and it's gonna work out. 1077 00:50:13,167 --> 00:50:16,167 It always has for hundred thousands of years, or how, however long 1078 00:50:16,167 --> 00:50:18,414 we've been birth of babies, you know, it's we've managed to do. 1079 00:50:18,414 --> 00:50:20,694 Okay, so Dr. 1080 00:50:20,694 --> 00:50:22,734 Valdez four, 1081 00:50:23,124 --> 00:50:26,814 the expectant fathers and the young fathers who are listening to this, 1082 00:50:27,024 --> 00:50:31,614 what are the first three actual steps Our new dads need to move on after 1083 00:50:31,614 --> 00:50:32,884 the baby is born and we go home. 1084 00:50:33,384 --> 00:50:37,014 I keep communication open first and foremost with mom. 1085 00:50:37,699 --> 00:50:40,999 There's a tendency for her to internalize a lot and kind of. 1086 00:50:41,689 --> 00:50:42,859 Go inside herself. 1087 00:50:43,279 --> 00:50:47,269 And you need to figure out a way that works for your relationship 1088 00:50:47,269 --> 00:50:50,449 dynamic for her to ask for help when she needs it, or tell you that she's 1089 00:50:50,449 --> 00:50:51,439 uncomfortable when she needs it. 1090 00:50:52,009 --> 00:50:54,469 And it's not gonna be complaining if it's something that you can 1091 00:50:54,469 --> 00:50:56,068 affect and that you can help with. 1092 00:50:56,200 --> 00:50:59,440 And so just have that agreement in place that, hey, we're gonna talk to each other 1093 00:50:59,456 --> 00:51:00,958 if something's not right for one of us. 1094 00:51:01,029 --> 00:51:05,769 And then anything that you can take on that to allow her to do 1095 00:51:05,769 --> 00:51:09,466 what she's uniquely qualified and designed to do that should be a thing. 1096 00:51:09,466 --> 00:51:13,287 And you should take the initiative because if she's the one that has to tell you 1097 00:51:13,287 --> 00:51:17,398 to get up and do the dishes or feed the other toddler or them or whatever, you're 1098 00:51:17,398 --> 00:51:19,168 still adding to her list of things to do. 1099 00:51:19,438 --> 00:51:24,408 You know, you need to be that intuitive anticipatory partner that is of like mind 1100 00:51:24,408 --> 00:51:28,500 with her and saying, What are the things here that I can help her with so that 1101 00:51:28,500 --> 00:51:30,240 she can just do what she needs to do. 1102 00:51:30,930 --> 00:51:34,440 And then I think you touched on the last one of just creating that 1103 00:51:34,500 --> 00:51:39,690 microenvironment where you guys can bond and you're protecting her from 1104 00:51:39,690 --> 00:51:44,225 those stressful voices or those anything that doesn't instill confidence and 1105 00:51:44,225 --> 00:51:48,875 inspire her in her mo new motherly role as she kind of grows into that and 1106 00:51:48,875 --> 00:51:52,595 acknowledge that you have a fatherly role to grow into and explore as well. 1107 00:51:53,165 --> 00:51:54,395 And it's a changing dynamic. 1108 00:51:54,395 --> 00:51:58,115 But if you can get on the same page philosophically with what that looks 1109 00:51:58,120 --> 00:52:02,705 like, that golden hour after birth or that golden month that you just described, 1110 00:52:03,005 --> 00:52:06,497 those are opportunities where you guys can support each other and figure 1111 00:52:06,497 --> 00:52:08,220 out what it's like to have three now. 1112 00:52:08,220 --> 00:52:12,633 And that might be telling, you know, a certain busy body, well-intentioned person 1113 00:52:12,633 --> 00:52:17,433 who just wants to bring all the Castros over and love on this baby that now is in 1114 00:52:17,433 --> 00:52:19,201 the time, you know, and advocate for that. 1115 00:52:19,201 --> 00:52:23,131 And if you have to be the bad guy and fall on that sword for your wife, Hey, you're 1116 00:52:23,131 --> 00:52:26,359 taking that stress off her plate and she's gonna be thankful that she didn't 1117 00:52:26,359 --> 00:52:27,815 have to have that hard conversation. 1118 00:52:28,325 --> 00:52:31,445 And, you know, guys, we'll, you'll bounce back from it, you know? 1119 00:52:31,474 --> 00:52:35,431 But I would say those three things, just communication and then stepping into that 1120 00:52:35,431 --> 00:52:39,331 role as a father and a provider so that she can do the same in her motherly role. 1121 00:52:39,631 --> 00:52:44,452 And then protecting that new tribe from those discouraging 1122 00:52:44,452 --> 00:52:46,612 voices or those stressful sources. 1123 00:52:47,842 --> 00:52:48,052 And 1124 00:52:48,052 --> 00:52:52,372 I'm gonna throw in my 2 cents here for one thing, guys, just the golden opportunity. 1125 00:52:52,612 --> 00:52:54,172 This works for you and mom. 1126 00:52:55,972 --> 00:52:59,512 Give the baby showers my skin to skin time. 1127 00:52:59,512 --> 00:53:05,932 When my daughters was, I took them the shower so Sarah didn't have to try 1128 00:53:05,932 --> 00:53:10,282 and hold onto a slippery baby as she's still healing and stuff like that. 1129 00:53:10,882 --> 00:53:13,162 She has skin to skin contact with them when she was 1130 00:53:13,162 --> 00:53:14,752 nurturing them and feeding them. 1131 00:53:15,502 --> 00:53:17,602 I continued that skin to skin time with them. 1132 00:53:18,382 --> 00:53:19,072 In the shower. 1133 00:53:19,072 --> 00:53:22,192 I took our daughters and showered them and would take care of 1134 00:53:22,192 --> 00:53:23,302 'em while say, I got showers. 1135 00:53:23,302 --> 00:53:27,594 But that way I still have skin contact time with my daughters, which 1136 00:53:28,164 --> 00:53:32,154 we don't talk about how important that is for dads with babies. 1137 00:53:32,154 --> 00:53:34,074 But you were talking about the scent recognition. 1138 00:53:34,764 --> 00:53:35,514 Oh, it's huge. 1139 00:53:35,634 --> 00:53:35,724 Uhhuh. 1140 00:53:36,924 --> 00:53:41,244 . So the top to baby's heads creates this pheromone that, that we bond with. 1141 00:53:41,244 --> 00:53:43,224 That's why baby's heads smell so, so cute. 1142 00:53:43,224 --> 00:53:46,224 You know, . So I'm hesitant to scrub it off with, you know, 1143 00:53:46,224 --> 00:53:47,664 really strong smelling soaps. 1144 00:53:47,934 --> 00:53:50,424 Or a lot of times they'll put those little beanies on it cause they look adorable. 1145 00:53:50,514 --> 00:53:50,724 Mm-hmm. 1146 00:53:50,802 --> 00:53:53,020 . But those are blocking that scent communication and 1147 00:53:53,020 --> 00:53:54,010 that's there for a reason. 1148 00:53:54,220 --> 00:53:57,130 So, but skin to skin, that's how our ancestors have always done it. 1149 00:53:57,280 --> 00:54:01,495 Picture, you know, You know, a caveman tribe and how they would 1150 00:54:01,495 --> 00:54:03,078 bond with their young and protect. 1151 00:54:03,108 --> 00:54:05,546 You couldn't just leave 'em in another room cuz a predator would get 'em. 1152 00:54:05,575 --> 00:54:07,255 Or they'd roll off a cliff or something. 1153 00:54:07,255 --> 00:54:09,655 You know, you had to have 'em in the cave with you right next to the fire. 1154 00:54:09,955 --> 00:54:13,949 And so don't be afraid and don't apologize for co-sleeping, for skin 1155 00:54:13,949 --> 00:54:18,149 to skin contact for just as much bonding time as you can get, because 1156 00:54:18,299 --> 00:54:19,632 that's gonna leave an impression. 1157 00:54:19,632 --> 00:54:24,002 We kind of, we don't always realize how much that programs the baby for bonding. 1158 00:54:24,002 --> 00:54:25,892 Later on, Sarah's pointing 1159 00:54:25,892 --> 00:54:28,272 out that our daughters actually still sleep with our t-shirts. 1160 00:54:28,272 --> 00:54:29,365 That's what they wear for perfect. 1161 00:54:29,725 --> 00:54:33,267 That's what they wear their eight and 10 now and to this day, every 1162 00:54:33,267 --> 00:54:36,657 night it's dad shirt, come on, it's time to be ready for bed. 1163 00:54:37,497 --> 00:54:40,901 And our daughters sleep with our whatever shirt we were wearing that day. 1164 00:54:41,291 --> 00:54:42,431 That's their nightgown for the night. 1165 00:54:43,421 --> 00:54:43,601 Right? 1166 00:54:43,643 --> 00:54:47,503 That scent still brings peace and mm-hmm. 1167 00:54:48,103 --> 00:54:48,343 . Dr. 1168 00:54:48,343 --> 00:54:50,923 Valdez, let me ask you, what is the most important takeaway 1169 00:54:50,923 --> 00:54:52,543 you want men to hear today? 1170 00:54:54,763 --> 00:55:00,066 I think there's a very strong messaging out there from Hollywood, 1171 00:55:00,066 --> 00:55:05,886 from, you know, huge pharmaceutical companies that have a direct financial 1172 00:55:05,886 --> 00:55:10,536 interest in sidelining dads from the birth and breastfeeding process. 1173 00:55:11,016 --> 00:55:14,796 And if there's one thing that I would advocate for, it's for men to step 1174 00:55:14,796 --> 00:55:19,296 into that role as the protector and the provider, be educated, go to the Lamas 1175 00:55:19,296 --> 00:55:24,096 classes, go to these OB visits, you know, have the awkward conversations and you're 1176 00:55:24,101 --> 00:55:25,896 gonna expose some ignorance that you had. 1177 00:55:25,896 --> 00:55:28,678 You know, you, we don't know everything as much as we think 1178 00:55:28,678 --> 00:55:31,798 we know our wives, there's more to learn, there's more to understand. 1179 00:55:32,188 --> 00:55:34,258 Talk to her and understand what she's doing. 1180 00:55:34,258 --> 00:55:36,988 But be an active participant in this thing. 1181 00:55:36,993 --> 00:55:39,598 Don't let anybody tell you, you can't have an opinion about this. 1182 00:55:39,868 --> 00:55:40,768 You don't have a role in. 1183 00:55:41,803 --> 00:55:46,266 Because what you've described is I wish that was more the norm for 1184 00:55:46,266 --> 00:55:52,596 dads defending the birth team from naysayers and advocating for connection 1185 00:55:52,601 --> 00:55:54,816 and presence right after birth. 1186 00:55:54,953 --> 00:55:57,173 And that, those are all things that anybody can do. 1187 00:55:57,263 --> 00:55:59,483 You don't have to have any special skillset or anything. 1188 00:55:59,514 --> 00:56:00,534 I'm not special. 1189 00:56:00,534 --> 00:56:05,198 I don't have any unique expertise other than I I've gone into the research, 1190 00:56:05,203 --> 00:56:09,018 I've formed these opinions that now more than ever, we need dads who are 1191 00:56:09,018 --> 00:56:13,564 engaged, who are informed, and who are committed to matching their wives in 1192 00:56:13,569 --> 00:56:17,332 their efforts to bring this into the world and who are there and present, you 1193 00:56:17,332 --> 00:56:21,387 know, consciously present time conscious of what their wife is going through. 1194 00:56:21,431 --> 00:56:23,756 And yeah, you might miss a few sports games. 1195 00:56:23,761 --> 00:56:26,178 You might not be able to go out with your buddies, you know, for a little 1196 00:56:26,183 --> 00:56:30,288 bit, but it'll be worth it cuz you'll never get those formative moments back. 1197 00:56:30,798 --> 00:56:33,116 And if you're present for those you'll never regret that. 1198 00:56:34,296 --> 00:56:35,166 What's next, Dr. 1199 00:56:35,166 --> 00:56:35,376 Valdez? 1200 00:56:37,446 --> 00:56:38,967 I'm working on a new another book. 1201 00:56:39,177 --> 00:56:41,836 This one will be a little bit more controversial with parenting, but 1202 00:56:41,836 --> 00:56:43,396 it's another parenting resource book. 1203 00:56:43,457 --> 00:56:46,094 I'll leave that as a teaser and maybe you'll have you back on your show when 1204 00:56:46,099 --> 00:56:47,624 that gets published sometime next year. 1205 00:56:47,804 --> 00:56:48,450 Send me the book. 1206 00:56:48,462 --> 00:56:50,952 require reading it before I talk about it, but send me the book and you're on 1207 00:56:50,952 --> 00:56:51,042 the 1208 00:56:51,042 --> 00:56:51,252 shop. 1209 00:56:51,252 --> 00:56:51,702 Absolutely. 1210 00:56:52,542 --> 00:56:53,662 . I'll, we'll look at that. 1211 00:56:53,712 --> 00:56:57,507 I'm setting up a clinic in salt Lake City that caters to this type of 1212 00:56:57,512 --> 00:57:01,282 chiropractic and this, these types of conversations with you know, the tribe 1213 00:57:01,282 --> 00:57:03,335 that aligns with this kind of philosophy. 1214 00:57:03,455 --> 00:57:06,755 And I want to just keep sharing the message that men have a role 1215 00:57:06,755 --> 00:57:08,638 here and and moms are enough. 1216 00:57:08,758 --> 00:57:12,358 So our babies aren't starving for calories right now. 1217 00:57:12,358 --> 00:57:13,468 They're starving for connection. 1218 00:57:13,468 --> 00:57:15,478 They need engaged parents through this process. 1219 00:57:16,378 --> 00:57:16,648 Where 1220 00:57:16,653 --> 00:57:18,058 is the best place for people to find you? 1221 00:57:18,134 --> 00:57:20,414 Starving babies.com is a great place to start. 1222 00:57:20,426 --> 00:57:24,621 I'm building a little newsletter following there and you can get the book on Amazon 1223 00:57:24,621 --> 00:57:25,911 if that's something that interests you. 1224 00:57:26,241 --> 00:57:30,831 I will respond to any email@infostarvingbabies.com and if I can 1225 00:57:30,831 --> 00:57:35,407 be a resource or point you in the right direction I've had calls Froms and doctors 1226 00:57:35,477 --> 00:57:38,316 who challenge on different things and moms will say, Hey, call this guy and ask 1227 00:57:38,316 --> 00:57:39,726 him about this, cuz this is what I want. 1228 00:57:40,236 --> 00:57:43,017 And if I can send them some white papers and help them see your side 1229 00:57:43,017 --> 00:57:46,917 of things, I will always advocate for my patients and for parents to 1230 00:57:46,922 --> 00:57:48,307 make an informed medical consent. 1231 00:57:49,137 --> 00:57:49,467 So. 1232 00:57:50,637 --> 00:57:50,997 Excellent. 1233 00:57:51,027 --> 00:57:53,097 And guys, as always, we'll have Dr. 1234 00:57:53,097 --> 00:57:57,168 Valdez's links down in the show notes down below the video, whatever you're 1235 00:57:57,527 --> 00:58:00,027 watching this on, whether you're on the podcast or whether you're on 1236 00:58:00,027 --> 00:58:03,747 YouTube, we will have every way for you to connect with him and find out. 1237 00:58:05,247 --> 00:58:05,487 Dr. 1238 00:58:05,487 --> 00:58:06,477 Valdez, thank you. 1239 00:58:06,507 --> 00:58:08,217 This is an incredible conversation. 1240 00:58:08,307 --> 00:58:11,697 Thank you for taking the time to advocate for men to be part of this. 1241 00:58:11,697 --> 00:58:14,307 We need more engaged fathers, so thank you 1242 00:58:14,307 --> 00:58:15,237 for providing for us. 1243 00:58:15,957 --> 00:58:16,527 Thank you, Brent. 1244 00:58:16,527 --> 00:58:17,067 I appreciate it. 1245 00:58:17,727 --> 00:58:18,327 As always, 1246 00:58:18,327 --> 00:58:20,697 guys, be better tomorrow because of what you do today. 1247 00:58:20,937 --> 00:58:21,897 We'll see on the next one. 1248 00:58:22,897 --> 00:58:25,387 This has been the Fallible Man Podcast. 1249 00:58:25,987 --> 00:58:29,377 Your home for everything, man, husband, and father. 1250 00:58:30,127 --> 00:58:32,437 Be sure to subscribe so you don't miss a show. 1251 00:58:33,307 --> 00:58:39,607 Head over to www.thefallibleman.com for more content and get 1252 00:58:39,667 --> 00:58:41,167 your own Fallible Man gear.