The Seven Traits of Highly Successful Husbands: Insights from Successful Men on Marriage.

Transcript

D Brent Dowlen: [00:00:00] Gentlemen, are you ready to level up your marriage? After years of interviewing relationships, experts, counselors, coaches, successful men, I've uncovered seven game changing traits that can transform your marriage in amazing ways. In this episode, I'll share these insights with you that can help you thrive in your marriage that I've learned from all these years of conversations.

That's one of the great things about getting to talk to a lot of people is I've gotten a lot of influence and insights. And the problem is normally you ask one person, you get that opinion. But if you ask a bunch of them, you ask a bunch of experts in that mix, you're going to find commonalities and overlapping phrase to just show up again and again and again.

And then, you know, you're really onto some solid information. That is the information that makes forever marriages. So let's dive into what truly makes a husband highly successful in his marriage and how you can start implementing these habits today. Here's the million dollar question. How do [00:01:00] men like us reach our full potential growing to the men we dream of becoming while taking care of our responsibilities, working, living, being good husbands, fathers, and still take care of ourselves?

Well, that's the big question. And in this podcast, we'll help you with those answers. And more. My name is Brent and welcome to the family man podcast. Now, gentlemen, we've been doing shows on being a great husband, raising your husband game, eating a better husband and so on and such forth for several seasons.

Now, whatever you want to say, but throughout all those conversations and a ton of research on my own, I've found. I've been taking notes while I talk to these experts who evidence through their own lives that they are doing the right things as a husband. Today I want to highlight some overlapping insights that I have found again and again, because that's the way I tend to apply things to my life.

I do the same thing in the gym. I've probably read over 200 articles on bench pressing. I'm not exaggerating at all. The [00:02:00] way I format, the way I bench. And have had great success in that. I learned by looking at those hundreds of articles and then finding those commonalities overlap over and over again, because those are the key, powerful things that are actually moving the needle.

I've done the same thing throughout my research and throughout talking to experts on marriage. I found these overlapping crates over and over again, these commonalities that just stand out from everything else. And I want to share those highlights with you today in this episode. Now I'm going to tell you which episodes they come, they came from, and you can go do a deep dive on that episode and go follow up on that if you want to, to get more information on that specific topic.

But these seven common traits, highly successful husbands, these insights of these successful marriages will absolutely [00:03:00] change your marriage forever. If you apply them to your marriage, by the way, welcome to the fallible man podcast, where we dive into everything about being a better man, husband and father.

Today, we're talking about being a better husband. It's one of the many things we talked about a big shout out fallible nation. It's a long time lawyer listeners and a warm welcome to those of you who's joining us for the first time. We appreciate you choosing to spend your time with us. We know there are a lot of options out there, things competing for your attention.

So from the bottom of my heart, this is a one man show guys. Thanks for giving me a chance. Can't wait to hear about the wins you get from this episode in your own life. So let's get into it. Number one, the first thing I want to highlight is a man who is successful in their marriage. They learn to love and believe in themselves first.

Now this came from a conversation with Krista Melson, Melanson. I'm sorry, Krista, if I haven't blew that. Successful and thriving husbands start with a secure base by learning to [00:04:00] love and believe in themselves. Kristen and I went really deep on this, but the truth is simple and it's going to sound pretty nasty.

So, you know, lace them up tight guys. The truth is men who don't have a solid relationship with themselves, struggle to have positive relationships with their spouses. Your wife hopefully supports you or you married the wrong person and you have other concerns besides this conversation. However, even with the support of wife.

If you're insecure about who you are and your own value, you will drag that relationship down. Men, in my opinion, should spend their early years building themselves up and learning to stand with pride and confidence in who they are. I wish someone had told me some of those things. Early on in my life, but I think men, young men should dedicate themselves to building themselves early on because men who have built themselves [00:05:00] up, who have aligned with their purpose and move forward, make great husbands because they attract wives who want to make up beyond that journey with them.

Being insecure and not loving yourself and believing in yourself will absolutely sabotage your marriage and bring it down guys. So you have to have a good, positive relationship with yourself. Are you're in trouble now, before we go to number two, we're going to jump to our sponsor real quick. And we'll be right back with number two through seven.

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Now, if you've listened to this show before, then the idea of taking ownership of something won't be a surprise, but cast Morrow from Morrow Marriage, and I, I talked about extensively about taking responsibility for your marriage. He shared how, when his marriage was on the rocks, he'd [00:08:00] become, had to become honest with himself, which was very difficult.

He said, I have settled for being less than I had promised my wife. I would be, I settled for doing less than I had promised her in our marriage and for looking worse than I should have, than she should have put up with and still thinking that she would want me, then he got angry about it. Well, the truth is there are a ton of things that were dropped that we are all dropping the ball on in our marriage as men, gentlemen, I've done an entire episode about that fact.

A lot of us, we get married and we settle. We get lazy and we get comfortable and we stop being intentional. We stopped being present. We stopped working on our bell selves. Uh, you can always pick out a guy who just got divorced because he's hard at it in the gym. And unfortunately, there's more of that than married guys in the gym who are still trying to look their best to take care of their health.[00:09:00]

That's just a sad, tragic fact. Yes, she had responsibility in that relationship too, but if we start with doing everything we have the power to control and taking that responsibility of what can I do? What can I improve? Where can I grow? How can I make myself better? Then everything about our marriages would look a lot different.

So stop whining about what she does or does not. What are you doing for your merit? Now, if you can turn around and say, I go to work and make money. Great. Good for you. You should, but it's not enough gentlemen. And I get tired of hearing other men. Make that excuse. It's not all you have to give. This is not the 1940s just going to work and putting a roof over somebody's head isn't enough.

Yes. I know there are men working out three, four jobs at a time. You still have to be intentional in your [00:10:00] marriage while you are taking care of one factor, you're not taking care of your whole marriage. And that will not sustain you in the difficult times. And then you're just going to wonder what happened.

Take responsibility for your marriage. Cass was an amazing interview. I'm a big fan of Morrow Marriage and they're doing amazing things in the world of men and helping men take responsibility emotionally, presently for their marriages and they are changing lives. And I highly recommend you check out that episode as well.

I think you're going to get a lot out of it. But the high and low is take responsibility for everything you can in your marriage, take responsibility for your marriage. If you put your best foot forward on everything, the changes in your marriage and the incredible benefit to your marriage is almost unmeasurable.

Guys. This one thing alone will move the needle in a huge, huge way. Number three is [00:11:00] make the relationship safe. Now, not long ago, I had on Crystal DeSantis and, um, She put down her strong framework for taking care of your marriage. One of the things we don't always consider as men that was very insightful to me from that conversation, especially if you're over the age of 35, because there's some general generational thinking that comes into play here is that safety in your marriage is more than turning your house into a fortress.

Now, all of us would like to just turn our houses into fortresses. Let's let's admit most of us would like to have big castle walls with moats and dragons and to protect our home. And I'm all for you making your home physically safe. I did an episode with secure dad. That was a great episode. We talked about keeping our family safe in the digital age, which is even more complex.

Then just keeping your family safe. You used to be, but that's not what Crystal was telling us about. [00:12:00] And this is where that generational thinking comes in. Those of us over the age of 35, weren't taught some of these things and we can't ever stop learning. Safety is more than having a fortress house.

Crystal shares some amazing insights about safety and relationships. Your home is safe. Great. But when we ask if your home is safe, we're asking, is your spouse. Your kids safe to share their thoughts, their ideas, their dreams, their opinions. Do they feel safe to ask questions and to have a different opinion than you do?

Do they feel loved and encouraged and supported? Yes, you should probably be able to take care of your family physically. And I'm a big, big advocate of that. And in this complicated modern age, we have digital threats as well, but your family needs to feel both emotionally and mentally safe, not just.

Physically safe [00:13:00] inside your home. And this isn't something a lot of us over 35 were ever taught growing up. It was a different mindset. It's not something that was talked about or even generally worried about sometimes, but it's a big reality. Your family, especially your wife, needs to feel safe to follow her dreams, to have her own beliefs and ideas, to be able to express those to you, be encouraged to feel safe when she asks you questions.

The questions we all know we shouldn't answer like, do these jeans make my butt look big? We all know the answer to that, right? But your wife should feel safe asking you things because you're not going to blast her. It's that emotional and mental security, which is more important than it's ever been only because people are more aware of it than they've ever been, right?

That's something we're taking into consideration these days. So your family and your wife, [00:14:00] especially needs to feel safe in your relationship. Number four, gentlemen is being intentional about your marriage and relationship. I've learned so much over the years from a man who's become a dear friend of mine, Oliver Marcelle, he shared so many amazing insights on the shows over the years.

He's actually one of my few repeat guests because he has taught us so much about our marriages. I've had Oliver on probably four or five times, if not more. He also used to do some live streams with me. He's actually guest hosted my podcast before, and he is my dear friend. We talk regularly. We text back and forth even.

And it's because Oliver has taught me so much about marriage. And one of the things that he has taught me. Is that successful husbands are intentional about their marriages. Now, this is another thing that there's that generational separation of over the age of 35, being intentional [00:15:00] about your marriage.

Wasn't something we were taught as we were coming up. It wasn't something we were told if you went to marriage counseling, that's not something they told you about. Back then being intentional is. Not a new concept. It's just something that is newly added to the conversation in the last 15 or 20 years where we're actually thinking about these things because we evolve as people.

There's a lot of people phoning in on their marriage. They're there, but they're not really present. They're married, but they're closer to roommates. Well, successful husbands are intentional and present in their marriage. They focus on their spouse. They invest in their marriage. They make conscious choices to focus on their spouse and their marriage daily.

Yeah, I know no more of the classic. I told you I loved you when I got married. I'll let you know if I changed my mind, right. That we grew up [00:16:00] with, with the John Wayne era, they prioritize their marriage above all else because they know they're better together with their spouse. Becoming intentional about your marriages is a huge game changer.

Becoming intentional about spending time together, communicating clearly, taking care of each other's emotional, mental, and physical needs, prioritizing that relationship above everything else in your life. means you're paying attention to that person. You're involved with them. You're aware of what's going on with them.

You're involved in what's going on with them. You know what they like to do and what they enjoy. You know what their hopes and aspirations are. Being intentional is important if you want your marriage to thrive. Number five kind of continues on from there with creating a shared vision of their future.

Now Meshack and Annabelle, uh, were an incredible couple I had on this season and guys, [00:17:00] they were just sickeningly sweet. I encourage you to go watch that video because. Like you can, it just like actual watch the video instead of just listen to the podcast, go on YouTube and watch the video because they're adorable to a sickening level, but you can see how genuine it is.

And one of the biggest takeaways they wanted people to understand from their conversation with me is the successful husband's future cast with their spouse. They dream together. They imagine life together in the future. They plan their future and they evolve their dream together as they grow. They have a vision for their marriage and their life and their relationship and what that looks like and they nurture and they build it together.

This isn't a one time thing. This wasn't like, Oh yeah, we did this when we first got married. A lot of newlyweds like this part, but it falls off. I'm not a newlywed anymore. My wife and I have been married 23 [00:18:00] years going on 24 next year. And this is something we still try and do together. Do we do it every day?

No, goodness, no. But if you haven't done this with your wife since you got married. You're dropping the ball, your life evolves and grows. And so you have to evolve your dream and your vision of your future together. Maybe at one point you guys made jokes about, you know, uh, watching the grandkids play one day.

Okay. Well, is that still what your dream looks like? How have the details changed? Do you have children? How's your health affected? Do you need to start taking care of yourself so you can actually still have that dream of playing with your grandchildren? There's a lot that happens in life and evolves.

And if you aren't getting together and dreaming about your future together somewhat regularly, then you're going to [00:19:00] miss out on some amazing things that come because of that. Number six, I also took away from Annabelle, Misha, Because this was kind of a continuation of that first part about future casting and dreaming together is successful.

Husbands grow with their spouses. If you've been together for three years, five years, 10 years, 15, 20, 40, 50. Congratulations. If you made it 50, you are so far ahead of most people. You rarely even find those anymore, sadly. But if you were somewhere in those anniversaries and that person is still the same exact person, uh, you're probably in a simulation, maybe you're blocked in a bubble somewhere with a headset on, I don't know, because that's not normal humans grow our wants, our desires, our goals, our ambitions.

Who we are, where we're going, the person you married will grow and change throughout your time together, [00:20:00] shaped by the life you're living together and by the things you experience together and apart. Your job as a husband is to grow with your partner. Part of that comes in that vision casting, right?

Deciding where you guys want to go together, who you want to be, what that future looks like. Part of that comes through nurturing your marriage. If you're being intentional about your marriage. If you're doing these things we've talked about, you are growing together, hopefully in a positive direction by loving the core of who that person is.

Some of the attributes I fell in love with, with my wife 23 years ago, have not changed at all. And I would be shocked. They're like core attributes about who she is as a person, not the outside stuff, right? Not the, Oh, well, I want to be a doctor or a veterinarian, right? We're not talking about that kind of superficial [00:21:00] nonsense.

I fell in love with who she is and who she is, is going to continue to grow. Into who she wants to become. Now, my job is to grow with her and alongside her and to grow our marriage together as I grow as a person, as she grows as a person, those core attributes are still there, but those core attributes are part of what is driving her to be the person she wants to become, it should be an exciting journey together, sadly, most people choose to, and let me be very clear about that choose because love is a verb, guys, it's an action.

Um, They choose to fall out of love with a person when they change because of some unrealistic BS expectations. If you fell in love with your high school sweetheart and she is a slightly different person ten years down the road because you had three kids together and y'all been married for ten [00:22:00] years and you gotta pay the bills and the mortgage and right?

Dumbest thing I ever hear people say about their marriage was after multiple years of life. Well, she's just not the same person I fell in love with. Well, no shit. Of course they're not. They grew and changed and you didn't join them on that journey. And that's on you. We have too many marriages falling apart because we have this stupid concept that that person is going to be the picture, the snapshot of who they were the day we said, I do, that's not real.

That's not how life works. And that's not how people work. Like I said, you're plugged into a simulation somewhere. If 15 years in your marriage, that's what you've got. So grow with your wife, go deeper on that. Check out that episode with Meshack and Annabelle. It was a great conversation. I had so much fun with the two of them.[00:23:00]

And like I said, you'll agree with me. I'd love to hear in the comments. They are just sickly, adorably in love years and years and years in their marriage and it's contagious. And my goodness, just watching it will be good for your marriage because it is absolutely contagious. You just, they're, they're googling over each other years and years into their marriage and it's amazing and sickening all at the same time.

Number six, you have to learn to communicate clearly and effectively with your spouse specifically. Yes, communication is a skill you should work on always. And at the core of every marriage conversation I have had with any coach, counselor, and expert, communication is at the very, very, very top of the list they talk about of things you need to do effectively in your marriage.

Kelly Dupay and I had a lengthy conversation about how critical communication is. And learning to [00:24:00] communicate effectively with your spouse. Communication is not just words, it's actions. It's the way you look at each other. It's notes. It's touches like hand holding or touching on the shoulder, non sexual touches, it's also sexual touches.

It's so, so, so much more than just the words that come out of your mouth. So how do you communicate? How did they communicate and understand love? How did they prefer to communicate? There is an incredible amount. I've done episodes purely on the art of communication because communication is an art form, but if there is anybody in your life that you need to learn to communicate clearly and effectively with, it is your spouse.

One of the things that you'll need to learn to communicate clearly and effectively with your spouse about is your needs and their needs. Right? You're going to have wants and needs. They're going [00:25:00] to have wants and needs and you need to learn, communicate those clearly and effectively with each other.

And you learn need to learn how to do that because if you can't tell your spouse, this is what I need. This is what I want. You're already breaking. So learn how your spouse communicates, learn how they communicate love and understanding that goes back to, uh, notably the five love languages. We've talked about here on the podcast before, but understanding those things, you should dedicate a lifetime to learning to communicate effectively with your spouse.

I promise that is at the core of most marital collapses is they just don't know how to communicate anymore. I don't cry. Now, gentlemen, as we wrap up today and land this plane, I want to leave you with this challenge. It's time to up our game as husbands. These seven habits aren't just theories. They're proven principles shared by men who are thriving in [00:26:00] their marriages or helping other marriages thrive.

But knowing these insights is only really the first step. The real transformation comes when you make a decision to actually apply them to your life. So here's your call to action. Pick one of these habits, just one, start implementing it this week, whether it's improving your communication with your spouse, whether it's creating a safe emotional space and mental space for your family and your spouse.

Whether it's being more intentional in your relationship, choose to make a difference. Pick one of these seven habits and implement it right now. Marriage isn't just a commitment. It's a journey of growth and partnership. Let's be the kind of husbands who don't just coast along, but actually build a better marriage every single day.

Let's rise to the challenge and make our marriages a source of strength, support, and joy. Gents, thanks for tuning into the Fallible Man podcast. If you found the value, this episode [00:27:00] valuable, share it with another husband who might need a boost. Remember together we can build a stronger, happier marriage.

Now go make it happen and be better tomorrow because of what you do today. And I'll see you on the next one.

David McCarter: This has been the fellow man podcast. You're home for everything, man, husband and father. Be sure to subscribe so you don't miss a show. Head over to www. thefallibleman. com for more content and get your own Fallible Man

Mike Lindell: game.