Is Your Marriage on Autopilot? Here’s How to Reignite the Spark

Is Your Marriage on Autopilot? Here’s How to Reignite the Spark

[00:00:00] If you're not ready for some hard truth about your marriage today, then this is not the episode for you. So you might want to go to another one, but if you're ready to actually deal with some hard truths about your marriage, then guys, this is the one for you. Now, gentlemen, we, and let me make that perfectly clear.

We, that includes me, we've all been guilty of phony in on our marriage. I would go so far as to say we actually probably phone in a lot more than we actually. actively and are intentional about our marriage. Marriage and love are hard. It's not supposed to be easy either because if it was, it wouldn't be so important.

It wouldn't be powerful. It wouldn't be valuable to us. And we wouldn't have fought for it to start with, right? It wouldn't have been that high on our priority list. If it wasn't something pretty great, we've become too comfortable [00:01:00] with our love. We've gotten into easy mode or complacency, however you want to say it, far more often in our marriage than we've actually actively engaged in our marriage.

So if you're ready to maybe reconsider that, Then, stick around for this episode. Now, some of you are already getting your hackles up? Great! If you're serious about a lifetime marriage, then let's do this. Here's the million dollar question. How do men like us reach our full potential, growing into the men we dream of becoming while taking care of our responsibilities, working, living, being good husbands, fathers, and still take care of ourselves?

Well, that's the big question. And in this podcast, we'll help you with those answers and more. My name is Brent and welcome to the Fallible Man podcast. We've all done this. I can hear newlyweds listening to this, trying to argue with me right now. Well, guys, not to be [00:02:00] unkind, but. Shut up and learn something, or you will do this and it will happen to you a whole lot faster than you want to believe.

The fact is, life happens. We already won, she already said yes, and now life happens. Now we have other issues to worry about because she already said yes, remember? We have careers, we have bills, we have goals, we have dreams. Coworkers, in laws, family, kids, schedules, events, community, church. Reality has set in.

Should I keep going? By the way, my name is Brent and welcome to the Fallible Man podcast, your home for all things man. Big shout out to Fallible Nation. That's our longtime listeners. And if you're a first time listener, then hey, welcome. I know there's a lot competing for your attention. So thanks for stopping in.

I appreciate you checking us out. I hope you enjoy the schedule, the schedule. I hope you enjoyed the episode. Be sure to connect with me at the Fallible Man. Most [00:03:00] places I'm especially active on Instagram and Facebook. Connect with me, let me know what you think of the show. I'd love to get your opinion on it.

And if you really enjoy it, share it with somebody who needs it. That's the greatest compliment you give to us. Now, if you've been married for longer than a year, you've already started seeing this struggle. You're tired. She's tired. Big projects at work. Crazy shifts and schedules. I mean, honestly, I've been married for 23 years, and that was one of the hardest times in our marriage.

My wife and I were on opposite schedules because of our shifts for six years. And guys, that was definitely a stranger's passing in the night kind of thing. I mean, we were almost more like roommates for part of those years and it really was hard on our marriage. So maybe you've gone down that road.

Maybe you have kids and kids take all of your time and energy. I know I have two of them and it's amazing how [00:04:00] much time two people can add or subtract from your life and all your time goes there. Well guys, here's a health check for you. Let's be honest here for a minute. I'm going to ask you a couple of questions.

Number one, is your spouse on your calendar for date night at least once a week? And you always keep that appointment answer to yourself. Number two, are you intimately connected at least twice a week? Now I'm not necessarily talking about sex guys. Sex is part of that. Sex can be part of that, but that's not the entire conversation.

I mean, like intimately connected. Are you sitting down snuggling on the couch and talking? Are you holding hands, looking at each other, sharing in deep conversations? intimately connected at least twice a week. Number three, do you have a check in time with your spouse daily where you sync up for a couple of minutes?

Now a [00:05:00] lot of us think we do this because we sync up on our schedules and what's going on for the day. I'm really bad about this one, but not just schedule wise. I mean actually mentally and emotionally. make contact for five minutes, a couple of times a day, at least once or twice, right? Where you get in sync, not just on your schedule, but actually sync up mentally and emotionally during your busy, busy day.

Four, if your spouse suddenly died tomorrow, not wishing that on anybody, but if your spouse suddenly died tomorrow and you had to get back on the dating scene right away, would you feel confident about the way you look and feel health wise? Are, can I say this in more. You know, lewd way. How would you feel having to be naked in front of somebody for the first time with the lights on someone new about your body, if you're not feeling that confident about your health concerns, number five, have you gotten [00:06:00] too comfy in your relationships guys?

This is for all of you who think is perfectly legitimate to. Take a crap with the door open in front of your spouse or something like that. There should be some mysteries in your marriage, really. And it doesn't matter how long you've been married guys. Really just now, just so now

I doubt I have to tell you the right answer on those five questions. Because if you're intentionally focused on taking care of your marriage, you already know what the correct answers should have been. The truth is, a lot of good marriages never lived become great marriages because we start phoning it in.

And the little things drive wedges between us slowly. The kill lifetime marriages pretty quickly. A lot more marriages fail because of these little [00:07:00] things than anything else. Now I've been married for 23 years, like I said, and in that time I made so many mistakes and I am blessed with a very patient woman who understands that I have failings and she has failings and is committed to sticking out and working through the mistakes we both make.

But I have to admit, I have phoned it in way more often than I would really like to say. It's not something I, I want to say, but it, we're trying to be honest here. So I have phoned it in way more of those 23 years than I want to admit. I definitely have phoned it in way more than I've been intentional about my marriage.

And I'm someone who's generally focused on my marriage. And I still fall into this trap. So I wanted to share with you a punch list. To help you stop phoning it in and get more proactive and intentional about your marriage, [00:08:00] because this is the punch list I'm making for me. It's September 1st. Uh, when I'm recording this, this episode will be out at the end of this week.

So it'll be like the 6th when this comes out. But this is something I'm instituting starting today. This is a new punch list for me. Now this is my punch list. I invite you to use this and modify it, but here are my commitments to stop phoning it in on my marriage. Daily task first. Number one, I'm going to do something for my health every single day because my wife deserves my best.

And frankly, so do I. Number two, I'm going to sync up with my wife for five minutes a day. every morning. Now that may mean moving my schedule around, but I'm going to sync up with her for five minutes every morning and get us on the same track mentally and emotionally about where we are together as a couple besides our schedules, not just check our schedules.[00:09:00]

Number three, likewise, I will sync up with her every night for at least five minutes before we go to bed to make sure that we are in the same place together, partnered up because that's how we thrive as a married couple. Now this may sound really simple to you guys, but my day starts at 4 a. m. My wife is not a morning person.

She stays up her, her moments of genius, her work time genius is in the evenings. She stays up to get stuff done. I go to bed so I can get up and get stuff done. So this sync up is not actually as easy as it sounds for some of you. Hopefully this will be a little easier. Number four, I will intentionally offer words of encouragement at least once a day.

Now you should insert your life's wife's love language here. This is one of my wife's love languages. This is like the bottom of my love languages. And if you don't know what I'm talking about, I have entire podcasts on the love languages, but insert [00:10:00] your wife's love language here. But this is something that takes active work for me to remember because I'm It's so unimportant to me, but this is very important for her.

And it's something I have to actively think about doing every single day. So I will intentionally offer words of encouragement. Number five, my daily task, I'm going to tell her I love her every single day. Now, this one is usually pretty easy for us. We're pretty good about saying, I love you, but there's a difference between going love you and actually like connecting with someone and saying, I love you.

And that's what I'm talking about. Weekly task. Number one, I'm going to honor my date night with my wife every week. It's on my calendar every single week. But we miss this so often with our crazy schedules because we do work on two totally different schedules most of the time. We're not on separate shifts anymore, but like I said, I'm a get up and get it done, she's a stay up late and get it done person.

And [00:11:00] between our business and our jobs, And our children, this, this falls through the cracks way more often. We started implementing it late in our marriage. It was one of the greatest things we did for our marriage, but too often we let it go for other busy ness. So I will honor my date night with my wife.

Number two, weekly, I will have intimate connections with her at least twice a week. Like I said, sex aside, sex may be a whole nother conversation in your household. It is actually a major common problem for a lot of marriages where marriage has just become sexless and that is unhealthy for your marriage.

So that may be a whole separate conversation. I will have intimate connections with my wife at least twice a week. That means sitting down, cuddling with her, waking up with her. Like I said, I get out of bed hours before she does. That might be waking up with her, sitting on the couch, cuddling and talking, just snuggled up together.

That might be holding hands and talking with just the two of us, which is really [00:12:00] hard to do with a small house, two kids, and my mom living with us. So, there's always somebody around. But I'm going to initiate these connections with her because I need it and she needs it for our marriage to thrive.

Number three for weekly tasks, at least one day a week, I'm actually going to stay in bed and wake up with my wife. I did this last week. It was amazing to actually like turn off my alarm and wake up with my wife when her alarm went off. It's the one time probably in the last three months that has happened.

So once a week I'm going to wake up with my wife. Monthly task, I'm going to sit down with her and dream with her about our future at least once a month. We're going to sit down and future cast and talk about what's coming and The future we're going to have together and where we're going and what we're doing together.

And I'm also going to discuss who we want to be together as we go forward in our marriage. Now that's my punch list. You can copy that down word for word, [00:13:00] or I would encourage you to make it your own. You know where your marriage needs some work, but these daily, weekly and monthly tasks will go a long way to strengthening my marriage.

And I promise you the intentionality behind this and the work put in it will help your marriage. Now, I encourage you to set rules to help you to find some of these times in your own relationship. Things like no phones during date night or when you're cut all up together. No kids during certain times.

Yeah, I know that may involve babysitters. Your marriage is worth it. Find a good babysitter. Maybe this seems like a whole lot of work. I can hear the pushback, but Brent, we have kids and they've all got things going on, sports and band and schedules. And we both work and we both have multiple jobs or we work different schedules.

Yep. We were there. We're really [00:14:00] busy. Whatever a skill is, other excuse comes to mind. Been there, done that, lived through it. Stop making the excuses and stop phoning in. You owe it to yourself, you owe it to your spouse, and you owe it to your marriage. So gentlemen, here's the bottom line. Marriage isn't easy and it's not meant to be.

It's a journey and there's growth and challenges and constant effort. We've all been guilty of coasting way more often than being intentional. Myself included. Okay, we are totally honest here. But today Let's commit to the change. Let's stop phoning in and start showing up for our marriages every day.

Now I've shared some of my areas I need to work. I've also shared a new punch list I built for myself to be more intentional and minor and proactive in my marriage. I encourage you to create your [00:15:00] own or copy some of mine, our mix of both, whether it's daily check ins, weekly date nights, or monthly dream sessions.

Find what you need to put in your marriage and stick to it. Your marriage deserves to be part of your schedule, part of your itinerary for the week, part of what you commit to working hard on every single way. If you want to make it a marriage that will last. Remember excuses won't strengthen your marriage.

Action will. It's time to prioritize your relationship because your marriage deserves your best. That's what you committed to when you said, I do. Now, if you want more insights and tips. and support on this journey. Be sure to check out our bi weekly mail, bi weekly mailing list. There's link down in the show notes or description, whatever platform you're joining us in.

You'll get exclusive content, actionable advice, and updates directly to your inbox to help you Become the man you want to be every single day. [00:16:00] Thanks for joining me on this journey and until next time, stay committed, stay intentional, stay in love and be better tomorrow because what you do today, we'll see on the next one.

This has been the fallible man podcast, your home for everything, man, husband, and father. Be sure to subscribe. So you don't miss a show. Head over to www. thefallibleman. com for more content and get your own fallible man gear.