From Existing to Thriving The Four Steps to Reclaim Your Life

From Existing to Thriving The Four Steps to Reclaim Your Life

D Brent Dowlen: [00:00:00] So you've got the house, the solid job, a solid relationship, maybe with a family or not, or you're working on it, maybe even the dog, the American dream. You finally got there somewhere inside your head. You're asking the question, you know what that question is? Because you're a driven man in your whole life.

You've been told that this is the pinnacle of life yet. It doesn't feel right. You're going, is this it? Is that all there is? Feels kind of empty, right? Well, guess what? You're not alone. YouTuber, musician, and very successful entrepreneur, Rob Bailey, recorded this in one of his albums. I did the 9 to 5, I did the 401k, all that great shit, and I started doing life.

We had a house, we had the dog, we had all the things you're supposed to do, and then we were just doing life. And like, as we were doing it, I always thought, this feels f ing stupid. [00:01:00] Well that song leans into the heart of it for a lot of men. There's more to life and you inherently know it. So here's the question that we're pondering.

How do we move from existing to thriving, purpose filled, intentional lives? Maybe you haven't said that out loud yet, but chances are, This is the question that's echoing in the back of your mind. Well, gentlemen, we have some answers for you right after this 60 second promo from our friends and sponsors over at MyPillow.

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Very simple for up to 80 percent off your order and free shipping on orders over 75 at [00:03:00] any time. Just for our listeners. Thanks MyPillar for that. Now guys, welcome to the Driven to Thrive broadcast. Purpose, growth, and lasting impact for men. I'm your host, Brent Dallin, and we help men go from living to thriving, purpose filled, intentional lives.

One of the most common questions we're asked when we're young is we're asked by people still today, what do you want to be when you grow up? Well, that question has had a lot of answers over the years. And honestly, depending on what age group you fall into. Some of the more common answers were extremely predictable.

In my age group, there was a lot of responses to things that were like firemen, soldier, police officer, astronaut. Those are the really ambitious kids. When I was young pro athletes and my daughter's age group, I hear things like influencer, YouTuber, entrepreneur, and such the important thing. I want you to note about that question.

Cause you were probably asked that question as a kid. You know, I'm 45 and I'm still answering [00:04:00] that question for myself. But the important thing to note is none of us had ho hum answers, at least when we were kids. Very few, I can't say all, but very few people wanted to work in an office eight to 12 hours a day at a computer.

Most of us didn't want the average 10 to 12 hour work days. Piling up, pulling cables through utility vaults, or even though some people knew they would likely end up in the same plant or factory that their dad or even grandpa made a living in. It's probably not what they dreamed of, and if you asked them that question, that's definitely not what they said.

Now let me be very clear, there's nothing wrong with any job that takes care of the needs of your family. If you are taking care of your family, As a man, my hat's off to you. There's nothing wrong. I've set up my whole life. I would scrub toilets. If that would pay the bills enough for me to take care of my family and live the life I want [00:05:00] to.

I don't care. I just want to take care of my people, but I think we should have better ambitions than that because you were made for more than that. Now, like I said, my hat off to all those guys out there slaving away at jobs. They hate every single day to provide for their loved ones. I lived that life for a lot of years, guys, and I get it entirely.

What may surprise you is even the, in your current situation, you may feel like there's nowhere that you can go, that this is what your life looks like till the day you hit the grave and punch out for the last time. But even in your current situation, if that is you, You can still move to thriving instead of just going through the motions and living your life in a kind of way You're meant to thrive.

It's how you're designed and it's not too late I was 40 years old before I figured this out Like I just thought I went to work and did my thing and I punched the [00:06:00] clock and I came home and I went to The gym and right I just kind of went through the motions. I was 40 years old before I figured out There's more to life and it's for everybody.

I can do it too. So if you want more to life, set the excuses aside, get rid of the, it's too late, I'm too old, I'm too busy mindset. And let's get started. Step one, you have to change your mind. This is the hardest step right here. The one that most people never get past. And so they never do anything.

Perception is reality. Even if you hate cliche sayings, like I do, I hate cliche sayings. They annoy me. I hate coaches who rip off the little sayings all the time. They just drive me insane. I got another one for you. As a man thinks, so he is. I raged needlessly and pointlessly against [00:07:00] sayings like this for years.

Just because I hate them. I hate catchy phrases. They get overused. And that's a great example of stupid things you put in your own way. It's called the Bader Meinhof phenomenon. And if it's our frequency illusion, if you don't want to try and pronounce that name, cause I'm sure I just screwed it up. It's a cognitive bias that occurs when a person becomes aware of a specific concept, word, or product.

Uh, for example, it's the car thing. We've all been through the car thing if you've ever bought a car, right? You bought a car, you're like, Oh man, that's a great car! And you buy this car, and you're like, Start seeing it everywhere. And everybody's got the same car you did that you've been dreaming of or worked really hard to buy.

And you're like, Oh my God, it's everywhere. And it's not, the frequency of it has not changed. You're just more aware of it. So therefore you actually pay more attention than see it. Now, the fact is that if you let those thoughts dwell in your head, even [00:08:00] subconsciously, You're gonna find a way to make it true.

When you actively seek to make true, subconsciously, you're gonna make true. That's, that's the tricky thing. I'm not trying to get into the woo woo crap here, but if you believe things like I'm too old, I don't have enough time, I can't do this, it's too late in life. If you buy into that trash in your head, then your mind is subconsciously working to make that fact true.

This isn't some hoopla, this isn't, you know. Trust the science. That wasn't actually science. This is actual, true psychology that's been around for a very long time and been peer reviewed and done all the things, right? This is real. If you have this mindset, you're hamstringing yourself, just like I let this petty, obnoxious, I hate cliche sayings.

Get in my way for years. Because I thought they were stupid, [00:09:00] but it was interfering with me accepting that while the saying may seem stupid to me, there's still truth to it. So, how do you start believing that you can thrive? That you're meant for more than the day in, day out grind. How do you start convincing your mind of that?

How do you change that belief? Well, you do it with the shrewdness of a woman who wants something specific. You tell yourself a thousand times a day. You write on notes that you put on your mirror, your fridge, your desk, your bathroom mirror, in your lunchbox as a bookmark. Write it down a hundred times a day.

The Bader Meinhof phenomenon. The frequency thing we just talked about, right? Taught us, we look for things that are back there, right? The seed in. So let's get specific about using that same principle in reverse. Cheat, cheat like hell. It's not actually cheating, but it will feel like it seriously. You've ever had little [00:10:00] kids, right?

Please daddy, please buddy. How many times I have rules in my house about how many times my kids can ask for something because little kids can ask and ask and ask, right? You've been through it. Maybe you have, maybe you haven't, but you probably met that little kid. Whether it's a niece, nephew, if it's not your own kid, you know, you know what it's like, it's like a woman dropping hints, right?

She finds that gift. She wants. She will make sure that subconsciously, consciously, and every other way, you know what she actually wants if she wants something. So do it that way. Flood your world with that thought. You have to get this nugget down before you can progress. If you increase the frequency in which you encounter this idea, this belief that it is not too late for you, that you are capable of more, that you deserve more, that you were meant to thrive, not just exist.

Your brain will start to perceive it as truth. And as you start to program your brain to perceive that as [00:11:00] truth, you can then start to progress. Read it to yourself before you go to bed. When you get up, play it in a loop in your ears. Like, I had this thing to memorize for work, and I generally am not really great at memorization, especially long paragraphs.

That's why I have complete scripts that I write out before I record these videos. I memorized the thing I had to memorize, like, I, by mem, You know how I memorized that thing? I recorded it on my microphone, I made an mp3 out of it, I put it on my phone, and I listened to it a hundred times. I listened to it while I was going for walks, I listened to it while I was sitting here working at my desk, I replaced music and everything with it for two or three days.

All I did was listen to it on a loop until my brain went, yes, I got it. Force the change. It's not rocket science, but it works. Now, part of that is we have to talk about what thriving looks like after you start to [00:12:00] understand that you were meant to thrive. That as a man, you have so much to offer the world and it's time to stop holding back and time to start living loud and being the man you are meant to be, the man you're capable of being, the man the world needs.

We have to talk about what thriving looks like. I'm not saying you were born to be rich and famous, to never have struggle, short. Somehow in our minds, in our society, we've gotten this twisted idea that thriving in life requires copious amounts of money and then lavish easy life. I will be the first one to say that, Hey, having large sums of money would probably make it easier, but it is not a requirement to thrive.

I know people that by everyday human standards, Don't have much at all, but they are thriving in every part of their life. They are happy. They're [00:13:00] living big and it is a beautiful life. You don't have to have money and a lavish lifestyle to thrive. So what does thriving actually look like? Well, that's step two.

Now, these are steps I actually go through with guys when I start working with them, because this is important. This is the foundation. So take notes because this is a free coaching session right here for anybody. Number two is clearly define what thriving is to you. This can be a roadblock if you're too vague.

Now you've probably heard a personal development guru talk about, uh, making smart goals. In fact, if you've listened to the show, when we were calling it the Falvin plus episodes we did, I actually talked about smart goals a lot and smart goals are still very valid. But what I want you to know about that SMART goal is they're specific, is that S, specific.

If you're too vague, you will never become, begin to thrive. So you have to be very clear about what that is. Everyone [00:14:00] has a picture of what it looks like to thrive. You may dress it up a little bit bigger when you're daydreaming because most of us are daydreaming about it at some point in our day, whether it's when we lay our head down or when we're doing mindless work.

Most of us are daydreaming about it. We just kind of blow it up, right? That's is part of the reason that so many people assume you need copious amounts of money because we inflate those daydreams money's fine. But I can tell you after doing interviews with a lot of highly financial successful entrepreneurs, while it can help, it's not the end all be all.

Several years tantric relationship coach and her clientele are almost exclusively high performance fortune 500 executives. The all make an excess of six figures a year. These are the top end of CEOs and they come to Sarah because they've crashed everything in their life that actually gave meaning to their life and meaning to the money made while they are [00:15:00] pursuing money.

They obsessed about it. And if you talk to other successful entrepreneurs, you're going to find out there is no such thing as total balance. And if you're pursuing money to know that where nothing else is above it, You're going to abuse the things in your life. And that's where she steps in and the men she works with is trying to help them put back together the rest of their relationships after they've destroyed them in this pursuit.

She has a thriving business because it's a common issue. So let's dive into your head is thriving about having money, or is it about being able to control your time in life so that with the money is buying in your daydreams parole of your time, where you get to do things, what you get to do. Is thriving, buying your loved ones, nice things, or is it leaving?

No doubt that you love them because you bought them nice things. And that's your [00:16:00] idea of how to express that love. Gift giving is a love language. One of my best friends, that is his love language. He loves to give people gifts. It's the way he expresses himself. I don't get it, but I have to let him because.

I can't let him, I can't prevent him from being able to express love the way he knows how to. So is it about the nice things or is it about making sure you express you love them? Is thriving about going out with your friends, which can be a lot of fun or is thriving, having real connection with people and that's where you feel that connection is when you're out with them.

Now, I can't answer that question for you. You have to dig deep and figure that out. This is your part of it. I cannot actually define this for you. Because my idea of thriving probably shares some commonalities with yours. But once we get really dialed in and specific, there's going to be variances between my idea of thriving [00:17:00] and your idea of thriving.

And that's fine because you're you, I'm me, Bob over here is Bob, and Fred is Fred, and we're not the same, and that's okay. But you have to decide what thriving looks like in your life. What does that mean to you? Spell it out. Be very specific because once you have a clear idea, You can start moving forward, which brings us to the third step.

And the third step is something that very few coaches are going to tell you. And that is, I would love for you to consider becoming very selfish for a little while. This is actually a big issue for most people. You wouldn't think that you probably think, you know, a lot of sales, selfish people. And if you're listening to this with one of them, don't look at your buddy or spouse, no point in starting a fight over the podcast.

Don't get yourself in trouble. The fact is you probably have a lot of selfish people in your life, but that's not what we're going to talk about here. The fact is there are selfish people in your life. [00:18:00] You're going to find out really quickly, once you start to grow and change exactly who those people are.

But that's not the conversation for this episode. We'll get to that eventually. You need to get selfish with your time because there's a lot of shit trying to steal your time from you. People are obviously sometimes what that is, right? That's people are trying to steal your time. Yep. Everybody wants your time and you know, it, everybody in their dog wants a piece of your time.

And it's hard to get rid of some of those people, but what's left. If we're not talking about people, who's trying to steal everything from you. By stealing your time, everything that's not making your life better and everything that's not trying, that is trying to distract you from life and moving forward and living your life is trying to steal from you now that can masquerade as entertainment, as relaxation, as distractions, as escapes.

If you've ever made the [00:19:00] comment, Oh man, I can't wait for this weekend because. My buddy bourbon is going to whisk me away and be my escape. That is stealing time from you. That is stealing your life from you. If you come home and just drop in front of Netflix and veg out, that is stealing your time. I want you to become selfish about your time specifically in those areas.

It may be alcohol. Maybe it's Netflix. I'm not saying you're an alcoholic. I'm not saying you're a couch potato. Maybe you are. It could be Instagram. It could be Facebook. It could be video games. That was a huge problem in my life for years. And I didn't know it until I came face to face with it. You have to take the trash out of your life regularly and everything you do as a time commitment, but you only have so many hours and now it's the same hours as everyone like Elon Musk or anybody else you might look up to, but how do you spend that time and how they spend that time is part [00:20:00] of what is the difference in the results they're getting, getting healthy has a time commitment.

It. Getting organized has a time commitment. Reading more has a time commitment. Your life is likely way, way, way, way too busy with being busy. Are you one of those people? Be honest with yourself. I try not to be those people. I know a lot of those people who are just busy to be busy. So audit out the useless crap that's not serving you.

If it's not improving your life, if people in your life aren't improving your life, if the things you spend your time doing aren't improving your life, they're stealing from you and they are robbing you of a chance to thrive. Now, a lot of people could probably start with their phone and that's actually.

One of the easiest things to measure because your little cell phone over here, because most of us have a smartphone, your little cell phone over here has a app on it that tells you [00:21:00] how much of your time you're spending on things. And it tends to shock people. The first time they look at that, click on your screen, time log, and you'll see exactly what's stealing your valuable time, my wife and I are talking about going back to flip phones because really self smartphones take too much of our time.

I'm kind of on the fence with that because I'm also a digital marketer. And so my cell phone is actually part of my job. I spent a lot of time on my cell phone for work, but. It's when it takes time and it's not making you money and making your life better that a cell phone becomes a problem. If you start with your cell phone, you can also follow that onto your big television screen, because it's probably stealing time too, unless you make a living behind a screen, most people are wasting away life behind it.

Now, let me be clear. Before you just turn this off, there's nothing wrong with taking a few minutes for yourself, but make it [00:22:00] valuable. After I wrote this episode, I stopped, I turned off my computer, and I went and had a bonfire with my wife and kids, and enjoyed a cigar while I was out there. We laughed, we talked, we joked, the kids roasted marshmallows.

We had great conversations. It was a spectacular end of my day because I spent my time with people I care about actually connecting with them. My kids remember days like that in the future. They're not going to remember all the movies we watched together. Cause me and my kids like to watch movies, but they're going to remember those moments.

Every moment has the possibility to be incredible and people are stealing it from you in our digital world. It's become easier and easier for them to rob you. Of that valuable, valuable time that you only have so much of. Step four is to start with small steps. Thriving will start small. You have to take action [00:23:00] and you're likely ahead or sorry, you're likely already busy, which has likely been part of the roadblocks in your life because you're already uber busy.

Refer to step three, audit the crap out of your time. Most men will never take the first step. And if you have, then you free up small amount of time. We start with small amount of times, right? Small steps, small amount of time to start making big changes. Let me tell you a short story. After several years in the IT industry, I realized that all that time at my desk was adding up on my belly.

I was getting fat. I was out of shape. I was getting heavier and I was losing muscle. Which was really hard for someone who's normally a gym rat. I spent 10 hours a day at a desk and then went home and sat and catch out in front of the television. And it was starting to take a toll. So one day I started walking laps around my building on [00:24:00] my lunch break.

Instead of sitting and eating, I worked at a really large facility, several acres. So it was, We had a road that went all the way around the building for service access. So I started walking the decent little track and I started just walking. I didn't have a speed I was trying for. I didn't have a lap count.

I just walked until I ran out of time. Didn't count miles or anything like that. Didn't have a goal. I, my goal was just to walk regularly and start walking. Now, this is something that I started doing and started doing for several years. And as time progressed, I went from just walking to walking a little faster.

Then I started like challenging myself. Like, oh, I wonder if I can get this many laps, right? I gamified it in my head. Then I started going, hey, I can listen to music. It'll make it more fun and I'll walk a little faster. I started walking faster as time progressed, listening to music, jamming out. And eventually I was walking two miles comfortably on my lunch break, 30 minutes, [00:25:00] guys, 15 minutes a mile on my lunch break every day, five to six days a week, it's a big facility, two miles at lunch.

Then I switched out my music for audio books. Now this was a big game changing moment for me because I never done audio books. And it was like, hello, how have I missed this for so long? Like I loved listening to audio books because I could actually get in a book while I was walking. It was a huge moment for my life.

Then I started riding my bike to work because I became a little more ambitious and I realized like, I only live like three and a half miles from where I work. I can do this. I also listen to audio books while I was riding my bike. Now I'm a fair weather cyclist. So it was only when it was decent weather.

That's it. I mean, all of a sudden, like I started stacking up and it's like, Oh, I'm moving [00:26:00] again. The weight's coming back off. I'm getting more steps in. All of a sudden I was getting like 10 steps in a day. I was riding my bike. I wasn't winded. I wasn't worn out all the time. That's my story. Little steps.

Changed my life was little pieces. Now guys, this isn't like, this isn't a three month story. Okay. I worked at that facility for eight years. I didn't start like walking till four or five years in probably. And this was over three or four years. I started to become healthier and take control back in my physical health.

all the time I was spending behind the screen. I also stopped coming home and just crashing after work and started trying to be more active, little steps changed my life, micro habits, become habits become major changes over time. As a personal trainer, I can tell you incremental growth is absolutely real outside of the gym, besides being real in [00:27:00] the gym.

Now, gentlemen, this could turn into a really long rant. So. That's the gateway to a thriving life. I've tipped my hand. This is honestly where I start everybody I work with because it works. I've trained people in the gym for years. I have the same foundational start for everybody. And it's boring, but it works.

This is not something crazy. I don't have like the Brent Dolan technique guys. This works. This is the gateway. This is where it starts. Change isn't complicated. Growth is not elusive. Thriving is in reach for every single person. Every man's journey is going to look a little different, but they all start the same way by believing a deeper, more fulfilling life is possible for you.

Remember, it's not too late. You're not too old. It's never too big of a leap to start to take by shifting your mindset, clearly [00:28:00] defining what thriving truly means to you. And safeguarding your time and starting small, you're going to discover the door to more meaningful life was always right in front of you.

The big question is, will you open it? If you're tired of existing just to get by, start doing the work today. Commit to those small steps over time. I really do mean small steps. Any step forward is forward motion. Small steps forward over time will bring the big transformations. The path to thriving isn't complicated.

You just have to be willing to take the first step and then keep going. Gentlemen, if this Register with you all. Be sure and subscribe to the show. Share it with a friend. Episodes come out every Tuesday and remember you were born to do more than survive. You were born to thrive. So let's get after it.

This has been the Driven to Thrive broadcast purpose, growth, and lasting impact for men brought to you by [00:29:00] the fallible man. If you found value in today's episode, make sure you subscribe so you never miss a show with insights into purposeful and intentional life beyond the American dream. For more resources and community support, visit PurposeDrivenMen.

com. That's PurposeDrivenMen. com. Keep thriving, gentlemen, and we'll see you in the next episode.