Eleven Steps to Elevate Your Marriage Through Meaningful Conversation

Transcript

[00:00:00] Valentine's Day is just around the corner and the thing that she wants more than anything in the world is your undivided, undivided attention on her terms. Is that all? Part of that is she really wants deep, uninterrupted communication with you. Not a chat, not a passing conversation, and for goodness sakes, not a report.

Real, raw communication. So ask yourself, Do I really know how to do that with my wife? A lot of men don't actually. So if this is a struggle point for you, then no, you're not alone in this. Most men don't actually know how to deeply communicate with their spouses. Because it's a complex multi stage process.

Take 60 seconds. Ask yourself, could I improve my ability to deeply communicate with my wife? And do I want to, or we take a brief message from our sponsors. And if the answer is yes, [00:01:00] then stick around. I'm excited to announce that we're having our first ever mega sale on overstock clearance and brand new products.

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I'm your host, Brent Allen, and we help men go from living to thriving, purpose filled, intentional lives. And today we're talking about deep talk, communication that transforms relationships. My wife and I've been married for [00:03:00] almost 24 years now, and We're not perfect. We have had our ups and downs. We've had our struggles.

We are still going strong because we never stop working on it and prioritizing working on our marriage. One thing we've discovered is that most marriages struggle, most marriage marital struggles, we'll see if I can say it right, come back to poor communication in the marriage. And it makes sense because of all the things we're taught in our lives, How to effectively communicate with your spouse, with your wife is something that has to be actually sought out by you.

It's not anywhere in public education and curriculum. It's actually something you have to go pursue. And if you're not around the right influence, this is probably not something you spend a lot of time digging into. Most men are aware that women want to discuss all the feels and sorry for the generalization is fairly true most of the time.

And that's really outside of the comfort zone for most men. Now that's not because you don't have feelings, but it's because your [00:04:00] brain is not hardwired that way. Your brain does not function the same way as a woman's. It's just how our brains work. And it's one of the cool things that makes us very different as couples.

So today here's a crash course in deep communication with your wife. Now I'm going to try and do this fairly fast, but honestly, gentlemen, I've done entire episodes on some of these steps and I could absolutely do entire episodes on each one of these steps. And we got 11 of them because deep communication, real communication with your spouse is not the simplest thing in the world.

So let's go down the list. Number one, slow down. It's going to take all day. Like great sex. It's an all day process. Communication takes time. You've likely heard women compared to diesel engines in regards to the differences in men and women in sex. However, deep communication is a process that starts when you wake up.

You gotta prime the engine over the course of the day. Everything you do is part [00:05:00] of communication, which is why it feels so complicated. Every part of your day, every part of your life is part of your communication with your spouse. Women rarely think in terms of the moment. They are seeing a much bigger picture, larger information over a period of time when they look at the world.

Not right in this moment. So, you have to be intentional. She's worth the work. And you wouldn't have married her if she wasn't, but it is an all day process because she is not looking at right now. She's looking at the course of the whole day and sometimes the whole week. Number two is action. Speak louder to words than words.

Like I said, everything you do contributes to the conversation. Now, this is good news. If you're holding down everything you should as a good intentional husband in your marriage already. However, if you've been, haven't been showing up the way that you really should in your marriage lately, then this part.

It's going to be really critical. Like I said, women see a much broader [00:06:00] view. They're not looking at just the moment. They're looking at all day. They're looking at the last couple hours. They're looking at the week. Women are thinking about a lot of different things at once. Our brains are hardwired to focus on one subject and one matter at a time, whenever possible.

Women's brains are hardwired to think of a much larger. A much larger process and a lot of things at once. So make sure you show up every day, every interaction, taking care of your responsibilities, helping ease her stresses, removing the roadblocks that are going to come up along the day and the distractions, just like with sex.

If she's stressed out, overwhelmed and distracted, your communication efforts will fall in vain.

Number three, sex is off the table. If you constantly approach your wife for sex and as an object of sexual entertainment, your communication plans will fail and [00:07:00] you're shot. I've been married for years and I can very happily say after almost 24 years of marriage, I still cannot walk past my wife without touching her.

Now that's a great thing at 24 years of marriage. I'm not saying it's a bad thing that you want to touch your wife. However, there's a big difference between approaching, appreciating. There's a big difference between her appreciating being touched because you're still in tune, still interested, still obsessed with her.

There's a big difference in her appreciating that touch in passing because your relationship is solid and you being obnoxious.

You have to start from a place. Where the end goal is not sex because intention matters and she can absolutely read that on you. And if that's the way you're coming at it, you're sabotaging your communication. Number four is the love languages. Now, if you've never learned about, [00:08:00] been taught about or read the book, The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, then you're working at a disadvantage.

I've done at least one whole episode on this book alone and probably referenced it in at least a dozen episodes. You need to read it, but here's a quick synopsis. According to Chapman, and this is one of the top bestsellers, like this has been a bestseller since it came out back in the late, early nineties or something.

According to Chapman, there are five general ways that a romantic partner express, and more importantly, experience love, which he calls love languages. These languages are words of affirmation, plus compliments, stuff like that. Physical touch, which a lot of guys lean towards. Gifts, like gift giving.

Quality time, that's spending real time, like communication time, not we sat down and watched a movie, but quality time. And acts of service, that's doing things to say I love you. Chapman's theory suggests that each person has one primary and one [00:09:00] secondary love language and understanding these can help improve relationships.

He advises that to discover another person's love language, you should observe how they express love to others and analyze what they complain about the most, complain about most often and what they request from their significant other most often. Now, if you're not deeply aware of your partners or your spouse's love language, your communication will suffer.

And there's a chance your love language and hers don't entirely align. I have to actively work to communicate effectively with my wife sometimes because her primary love language is not the same as mine. In fact, it doesn't even show up on my radar. So I have to go out of my way to try and remember. to communicate with her in her love language to make sure I'm conveying love the way she receives it most effectively.

Now guys, even if you haven't read the book, the good news is it's not rocket science. Okay. This isn't like you don't have to have a PhD [00:10:00] to get it. I told you the five love languages are words of affirmation, compliments, physical touch, gifts, quality time, and acts of service. If you have spent any time with your spouse, You may have not put that term on it, but you probably know what really makes your wife happy, what really she responds to.

That's a good place to start. Number five, and you should go read the book for sure. Number five, women look for rapport, not reporting. Now this was a big thing for me to learn in my marriage. A lot of men communicate by default in report mode. Tell us what we need to know to answer the pressing need for information transfer.

Now we all have these conversations because they're actually an integral part of your marital life. It commonly happens because it coincides with how busy we are, right? There's the morning report. What's on your schedule today? What needs to be on my schedule? What do I need to know before I go to work today?

Blah, blah, [00:11:00] blah. There's the home from work report. Is anyone hurt? Do I need to be somewhere? What are we doing this evening? What do I need to know between here and bedtime? Are the kids okay? If you have kids, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera, right? Women actually want to discuss non reporting issues when they communicate and you need to learn to separate the two.

My wife and I definitely have report conversations. They're absolutely necessary and a crucial part of communication. Especially in our fast paced lifestyles. Deep communication, however, is not a report. Women converse to connect, to reveal feelings and thoughts, to dream. They reveal dreams, ideas, visions, and hopes.

They need to mentally and emotionally connect and deep conversations are a big part of it. So you need to learn to separate your habit of reporting because guys are big into facts with just conversing and having a rapport conversation. Number six, check your inner [00:12:00] handyman at the door.

One of the easiest things to make a difference in your communication is to turn off your inner handyman. Men have this obsessive need to fix things. That's me for sure, okay? Women have a need to talk about things. Now, unless she specifically, repeatedly asks you to give her a solution for a specific issue, please don't.

This, in fact, will be a big difference in your marriage if you're doing this. This was an absolute game changer for my wife and I, now I had to ask for clarity more often than my wife probably would have liked, but it worked out over time. I would ask, am I listening or am I fixing? Now guys, let me throw a spoiler here and tell you 90 percent of the time or more.

She actually just wants you to listen and care about what she's saying, not fix something. Women converse to [00:13:00] commiserate, to work through their feelings, to process things, to work out their own solutions. It's kind of like a self therapy. So stop trying to fix shit unless she is specifically and repeatedly asking you to do so, because all you're doing is pissing her off and sabotaging your ability to communicate with her.

Number seven, body language. Body language is loud. 90 percent of human communication has nothing to do with what comes out of your mouth. It's non verbal. When you're communicating with your wife, Be physically, mentally, and emotionally present in everything you're doing. If your mind drifts, she's going to see in your eyes, in your face.

If you're not emotionally present, your demeanor will tell her through your physical communication. Women communicate face to face, whereas men have a habit of communicating side by side. Think of a guy sitting at a bar or a guy is sitting in a car, [00:14:00] right? We look forward and communicate side by side.

Women predominantly, not all women, but predominantly communicate face to face eye contact where they can read facial cues and body position with your shoulder squared to them. And this is part of the fact that this communication is so crucial for women. They're not just looking at what comes out of your mouth.

They're looking and reading you as they communicate. And that's part of the reason it's so important for them to communicate face to face. So you have to learn to do this. to deeply communicate with your wife, but you have to come and be totally present. And while you're doing it, don't stare at her tits.

Ted, you're staring at my boobs. Don't think about work. Don't play with your phone, for God's sake, just put it all away. And personal hygiene is actually a thing. If you're all smelly, it's going to turn off her communication because her olfactory senses are stronger than yours. So take care of your personal hygiene.

Learn to be face to face and present, and it will take your [00:15:00] communication level with your spouse to another level. Number eight, environmental factors. Messy, cluttered, dirty, loud environment kills communication. Other people in close proximity can be problematic. If it's a private conversation, kids running in or fighting or for her attention will absolutely crush your talk.

Um, mom, mom, you ever had a conversation with your spouse and heard one of the kids scream at the other one, and you can see it on her face. It just blows the whole conversation. Cause now she's worried about what they're doing. It also signals to her your intention to communicate. When you plan for an optimal environment.

So this is a great conversation over dinner or on date night or send the kids to their friend's house or to grandma's house or on a play date, find a babysitter, but environmental factors have a huge impact on whether you can have deep communication with your spouse. Figure everybody knows that, but I got [00:16:00] to throw it out there.

Number nine, safety. Now this is one of the things I actually learned from interviewing marriage therapist, Crystal DeSantis and her book strong, and I'll put a link for that down in the show notes for you guys. It was a great episode on relationships. So if you're getting something out of this, you definitely want to follow up with that episode.

Now, what I did not understand because of the age difference is with a lot of younger marriages, Uh, with later generations, cause I'm Gen X, safety and feeling emotional safety has become a major issue in the relationship. And this has to do largely with people rushing into marriages and rushing into relationships.

At a much faster rate than they used to. So they haven't developed this deep connection already and haven't built these safety fences. However, if you haven't created a safe environment for your [00:17:00] wife to speak freely and honestly, you're already failing your marriage and you should seek professional help immediately.

I'm not kidding. Call Crystal, call another marriage counselor you trust. Because your wife should absolutely feel safe that as her husband, whatever is said in your conversations will not be weaponized against them, nor shared with people outside of that conversation without her consent. She has to feel safe about opening up and communicating with you.

Or she's not going to communicate with you and you're fighting uphill battle. You can't win. Number 10 is active listening. Now, hopefully you were taught about active listening growing up. I definitely can and have done shows about active listening, so I'm not going to go deep on it here, but I'm going to tell you if you haven't learned the ABCs of active listening, Go to chat GPT and ask it to summarize active listening best practices.

And it's going to give you about a page of steps on what active listening actually looks like. [00:18:00] I promise you were taught this in school at some point. But a lot of us have forgotten along the way. So chat GBT to a quick summary rescue will help you go from A to Z on how to active listen, but let me know if I should do a full episode on it anyways.

And if that's something that would serve you guys. And if it is, if enough people tell me so. Then I'll do it a full episode on active listening. Number 11, last step. Here we go. Affirmation and validation of feelings. Ooh, I use the feelings word. This is something commonly associated with active listening, but it is such an important part of the conversation that it needed to be on his own point.

To keep the conversation and communicating flowing with your wife, your wife needs to have what she is expressing validated and affirmed. As a Gen Xer, I really shudder because the whole idea of validation and affirmation has been abused heavily by younger generations and pop culture social media. [00:19:00] But they are actual things, it's just not out of the context of the younger generations throwing it around like, you have to validate me.

No. Okay. There is such thing as validation affirmation. So simple phrases like, wow, thank you for sharing that with me. I hadn't thought about it that way, or I can see why would you would think or feel that way? Do not be confrontational about things or defend your position position or attackers. That's just basic conversations, but you have to acknowledge what she's saying is valid, whether you agree with it or not, because even if you don't, agree with it or understand it.

She has her own feelings and thoughts. They're real to her, regardless of how you feel about it. And that should be enough for you as her husband. So validate her feelings, affirm what she's feeling. So she knows that you understand what she is saying and what is being heard. [00:20:00] See, super simple, right? That's, that's, that's why guys, uh, are so pro at communication with their spouses.

Because we don't teach this stuff and there is a lot to it, but honestly, guys with practice, you're never going to be perfect at this, but that's okay. Because one of the amazing things about women is by trying, you're going to be a better husband and women will give you credit for making the effort and trying to be a better husband.

Even if you don't make this perfect and you miss the mark some, they will see you trying, which will show them that you're invested in deep communication with them and in your relationship. And that will go a long way. So if you never get this perfect, I expect that I still don't have it all. Perfect. I'd be the first one to tell you that.

So make the effort and it's going to go a long way. You'll get part of it, right? You're going to have to work harder at some other things, but that's okay. So, uh, okay, gentlemen, you got everything, right? I know like [00:21:00] you, you wrote all that down. It's a good thing. This is on a file and you can just replay it.

That's the crash course for today. As Valentine's rolls up on us, guys, remember this, the best gift that you can give her isn't store bought or covered in glitter. It's certainly not lingerie. It's showing up, slowing down and really tuning in to what she's saying. Her saying deep communication isn't a quick fix.

It's a daily commitment. And trust me, she's going to notice the effort you're putting in. And if you're asking why does this have to be complicated? You might be on the wrong show because nothing's simple. She's worth it. Are you in a married her? And. That's why you're gonna put in the effort, even if it's a little complicated.

Embrace the process. Learn to love in her love language. Really, you guys, that book has been so beneficial to me over the years. It's one of the greatest books I ever read, and it works for more than your romantic relationship. So go read it. Check your inner handyman at the door [00:22:00] when she needs you to listen.

Just be fully present, body, mind, and spirit. Thanks for hanging out with me on The Driven to Thrive broadcast purpose, growth, and lasting impact for men. I'm your host, Brent Dallin, and remember, don't just live, thrive. Now go out there, make the effort, watch how your relationship transforms. And until next time, stay driven.

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com. That's PurposeDrivenMen. com. Keep thriving, gentlemen, and we'll see you in the next episode.