Blueprint for Love: 26 Topics to Discuss Before Marriage

So you met the amazing woman that is just, well, she might be the very one. She's the woman of your dreams. There was just something about her and it's, it's different than anything you've ever experienced. Congratulations. But may I offer this kernel of knowledge? The most important choice you're ever going to make in your whole life is who you're going to spend your whole life with.

She could be amazing and I have no doubt she is because you're like, wow, this is totally different than anything else I've experienced. But how well do you know her? I'm not saying you don't know some things about her. But I would wager good money. You don't know all the things you should know before you say I do.

So in this episode of the fallible man podcast, I'm going to share 26 conversations you need to have before you say I do, let's get into it. Here's the million dollar question. How do men like [00:01:00] us reach our full potential growing to the men we dream of becoming while taking care of our responsibilities, working, living, being good husbands, fathers, and still take care of ourselves.

Well, that's the big question. And in this podcast, we'll help you with those answers and more. My name is Brent and welcome to the Fallible Man podcast. Now I frequently share tips to make marriage better on this show, but I don't always share a lot of dating advice or advice for people who are early in their relationships.

Well, it's because I've been married for 23 years now. And we've been through good times and we've been through some bad and we're still going on strong. And some of you may know, I was a youth minister at one point, but what you may not know is I've also served as an officiant for multiple weddings and done premarital counseling with couples as well.

I don't offer a lot of dating advice because I'm a long ways removed from dating, but there are some core things about relationships that I've learned both As a married man and as a [00:02:00] minister and a couples counselor and working with young people about ever so important before you say I do portion. Now you probably know this woman really well.

I had one couple that they had been living together for like two years. They're like, Oh yeah, we know everything about each other. There's nothing we haven't talked about. They're divorced that lasted like two years. So guys, I know you may think you've covered it, but one of the things that happens when you get into this amazing portion of your life is you get kind of blinded because it's so amazing that you kind of get some love glasses on and breeze over some things.

And just honestly, don't even think about some things. Oh, by the way, my name is Brent and welcome to the fallible man podcast. You're home for all things, man. Big shout out to fallible nation. That's our regular listeners and a warm welcome to you. If you're a first time listener, Hey, thanks for checking us out.

There's a lot [00:03:00] competing for your attention. So we really do appreciate you giving us a chance. Be sure and connect with me at the fallible man on most social media platforms. And I'm especially active on Instagram and Facebook. So you can check me out there, connect with me, let me know what you're on the show.

If you get something good out of this show, the most amazing thing you could do, you could leave a review, but the most amazing thing you can do is share with someone else who might benefit from it. So we can help serve more men. Now let's get back on task here. When I found what I found out, In all these years is a lot of couples miss some really, really important conversations before they say I do.

Now, to their credit, very few people are gonna actually tell you, you need to have these conversations. You need to talk about these things. However, since this person is supposed to be the one, and forever is a long time, you really would be wise to discuss some things before you commit. [00:04:00] And for sure, before you have a kid, really, you're in this dream state right now, and most people aren't going to think to tell you, Oh yeah, you definitely need to have this conversation.

So let me share a little experience that I've had in my relationship and with couples I've worked with. So here are 26 conversations in no specific order. And guys, I'll put this list on my blog site later. So you can just go copy it later. And that way you have them all, but in no specific order here, 26 questions you need to have.

Number one, what does forever mean to you? If you both don't share the same definition of what I do and forever actually means. You could be in trouble. My wife and wife and I both came from a very similar background. We had a very definitive idea that when we said I do, that was it. That was forever, but that's not always the same thing for everybody in modern era.

So be sure and [00:05:00] have that conversation because if relationships or marriages are disposable and there's an easy out for her and not for you or vice versa, you guys could be starting in a, in a bad place. Number two. What is your faith and how important is it to you? This is an important conversation. If you come from two different faith backgrounds, what's that going to look like for you?

How does that affect your relationship? How does that affect your future together and your kids? If you have kids, et cetera, et cetera, this is an important conversation that can really, really make a huge difference. How do you feel about connections with the opposite sex? This is number three, like casual friends, longtime friends, ex girlfriends.

What are the boundaries with people of the opposite sex? I knew a couple that they wouldn't even get a massage at a professional massage place, not a [00:06:00] happy ending kind of place, but a professional massage place from a person of the opposite sex, because for them, that was just off limits. My wife, when she got together with me, I have three female friends.

Two of which have been my friends for four times longer than I've known my wife probably, or three times longer than I've known my wife. And so that was something we had to talk about was how she felt about that. And was she okay with that situation? Because a couple of them were lifelong friends. They still are to this day.

Number four. What are the boundaries of a healthy sex life? Gentlemen? Yes, please is not the answer here. People have different different ideas based on their faith or their experiences of what is and is not okay in the bedroom. Once you say I do, you don't, this is not something you want to fight about in the after hours, guys.

So whether you're [00:07:00] already experiencing that or you're waiting for marriage, let's hope you are guys, you got to have this conversation because if you want to have like a, You know, monkeys swinging from the chandelier kind of sex life. And she wants a real simple site, well, sex life or vice versa, or her faith says, yeah, this is okay.

And this is not, and yours doesn't. Well, that could be a problem in the future for you. Number five, do you want children? If so, how many, this is a real conversation. If you both might want children, but you won't one or two, and she wants six, or you want six, you came from a big family and she's like, Oh.

Maybe one, maybe two. This is a conversation to have before. Number six, or sorry, that was five. Number six. What does that look like when you have kids? If you're going to have children together, are [00:08:00] you expecting her to be a stay at home mom? Are you, she wanted you to be a stay at home mom. Are you both going to work?

Are we talking about daycare babysitters? What does that plan look like? Number seven. What are your dreams about the future? Maybe she comes from background where security is really important to her. Her dad always had a stable, good job, nine to five, same company, 20 years. And you want to be an entrepreneur.

Well guys, I can tell you firsthand, that's not the most stable or secure life. So you guys need to talk about what that future looks like. If you want to start businesses or she wants to start businesses and you just want to go to work for your dad's company. You guys need to have that conversation and be on the same page.

Number eight. How do you spend your free time? Do you hang out with friends? Do you have home time? Do you have date time? Do you have individual [00:09:00] time? Do you have exclusive time? Do you have some time where you need to be separate and because she needs some alone time and so do you, which you both will eventually.

How does your free time get spent? If she's social and you're not, are your social and she's not? That can actually be a big clash. So have that conversation beforehand. Number nine, are holidays and birthdays important to both of you or either of you or neither of you? If so, which ones, maybe you're a Halloween guy like I am, but you could care less about Christmas, but she loves Christmas.

This is a conversation you need to have. You do not want to go into your future marriage and find out that. You couldn't give a rip about Christmas and your house is going to look like Santa Claus's workshop for three months of the year. So have the conversation first. Number 10, how do you celebrate holidays?

How do you expect [00:10:00] that you two will celebrate holidays and spend holidays? Does one of you spend the holidays with your families? Is Christmas a really big family holiday where everybody's together for one side of the family and not for the other? Are Here's the really one big one. What if both sides of your families make a big deal out of Christmas?

Where are you gonna spend Christmas? How are you gonna spend Easter? What does that look like for you? And how do your family spend the holidays? How do you spend the holidays? Are they big deal? Do you have commitments because y'all got to work that out guys You don't want that to be your first fight.

What does a normal year look like? This is number 11. What does a normal year look like to each of you? Does that mean you both have a job? One of you has a job, one of you stays home? Do you take vacations every year? Do you do short weekend trips to see family and visit people? What does that look like?

12. Since we're talking about visiting people, what [00:11:00] are familial expectations? Do you visit family a lot or not at all? Are you expected for certain events or holidays? I have a family member who My family is really tight. Like we're super close. My, my siblings are some of the most important people in the world to me and some of my best friends.

And you know, one of their spouses, when they came into the family, they never talked to their family members. So they hadn't, didn't know what to think of the fact that we liked each other. So you need to figure out what that looks like, because guess what? When you get married, you're not just marrying that person.

You get the whole family guys. So make sure that's going to work for you and make sure you understand what that means. Number 13 Christmas. Have you heard me say Christmas a few times? Yes, get really really really clear on Christmas because there are a lot of rain marriages That honestly started their downfall on Christmas [00:12:00] because couples didn't talk about this holiday.

Christmas may be actually, honestly, one of the most divisive holidays of the year. So get clear what Christmas look like for you guys. My wife and I talked about Christmas. Christmas wasn't a big deal for me. And so I didn't really care how we spin it, but once we had children, we both had some different ideas about what Christmas look like, but we didn't So we had have those conversations later in our marriage.

Both of you have ideals about what this looks like. And honestly, like this can be the wrecking ball that you never saw coming. Number 14, where do you want to live? Are you staying in the town you're at? Are you going to where her family is or his family? Where are you going to live? And are you open to moving?

What happens if one of you gets an incredible offer with your company to move or gets an incredible job offer out of state? Are you open to that? What's that's going to look like? This is a conversation you need to have before it [00:13:00] happens. Number 15, what's your current financial status right now, including debts and savings?

And what do you plan to do about it? You may be a saver, she may be a spender. We're going to get to that in just a second. You may have no credit card debt, or you may have a lot of credit card debt. And she has none because she was raised to strictly manage her finances. Guess what? Once you get married, the government sees that as a mutual.

So understand what you're buying into. Number 16, what are your core values and beliefs? This is something you should know long before you get married, but you need to make sure you understand each other's core values and belief. Number 17, do you, or any of your biological family members have any familial health concerns that you don't already know about?

Is there a higher chance of cancer [00:14:00] on one side of the family? My family had a familial heart disease that none of us knew existed until a couple of years ago. Something I would have told my wife, if any of us had known it existed until it almost killed my dad. So this is a conversation you need to have because as you're blending families, any offspring you have, that's going to play a role.

Number 18, what are your views on parenting and disciplining kids? Okay. Now you're going Brent. Whoa, we're not even married yet. Why are we talking about kids? Because if you don't agree on a general consensus of what parenting and raising children looks like, how that actually looks, if you aren't ready to have that conversation, you're not ready to get married.

I know too many couples who got pregnant on their honeymoon to not have this conversation ahead of time. 19. How do you see managing money in your financial habits? Financial struggles are the second [00:15:00] largest cause of divorce. If you're a saver and she's a spender, you'll buy heads. I already mentioned that.

Are you going to have joint or separate accounts? My wife and I have had the same account, the same joint account, our entire marriage, we've always had a joint account. My sister and her husband have separate accounts that works for them. Ours works for us. It's how we choose to manage it. Neither one is right or wrong, but you need to understand what that's going to look like going forward.

Is it my money, your money, our money? Are you saving big? Are you spending big? Are we investing? Are we aiming towards goals? How do you manage your finances and how will you manage your finances as a couple? Because how you manage them separately doesn't count anymore. 20 how will we handle conflict in our marriage?

This is a conversation that nobody actually tells you to have unless [00:16:00] you go to a really decent marriage counselor because you are far more likely to succeed in your marriage. If you have a game plan for how conflicts get resolved in your marriage, before you ever have it 10 out of 10, this is one of the most important conversations you can have because it will give you a huge benefit and advantage going forward.

If you already have a game plan for handling conflicts in your marriage, because guess what? You're going to have them. 21. What's your deepest fears? Do either of you have abandonment issues, abuse issues, trauma from past relationships? Are you afraid of drifting apart? Have you experienced infidelity before or seen infidelity tear up one of your families?

What are your deepest fears and how are you going to commit to each other to make sure those things don't happen? 22. How do you handle in laws? [00:17:00] On both sides, guess what? Your in laws, her in laws, guess what? They're all going to want to say in your marriage and they're all going to impact your life. And so you need to have a plan of how that looks in your marriage.

What happens when your parents get older? Number 23, do you have a group consensus on it? I have multiple siblings. We already had plans in our heads long before our parents got a little older, not something I discussed with my wife. Luckily, my wife and I are pretty much on the same page on this anyway.

So it wasn't a big concern later in life. But what does that look like? Do you have a plan? 24? How will we prioritize each other when life steps in? Because life is going to come crashing down the moment you get home from your honeymoon. Maybe before, but definitely the moment you get home from your honeymoon.

Whether you have a staycation or you go to Fiji, [00:18:00] doesn't matter. When you come back, life is going to step in. So how are you going to prioritize your marriage? And your relationship with each other when life starts to happen and goes back to normal. Can't stay on the honeymoon forever. Unfortunately.

Number 25, do you agree on the division of labor in your house? What's chores look like? Dishes, laundry, vacuuming, you know, the things you have to do. What does that look like? Are you on the same page about it? Number 26, one of the most important questions you can ask her, and she can ask you, when do you feel the most loved by me, make sure you are speaking each other's love languages.

Make sure you have a clear understanding of what that looks like. Now I can go on and on and on. I actually have way more, but I'm, I got tired of typing the list at 26. Like I, I typed this whole list and to make sure I didn't screw it up. And I just got tired of typing. You [00:19:00] know, one of the conversations you need to have is political.

Unfortunately, that's something that we deal with this day in the modern era is politics is very divisive. So if you have very different political views, it could actually cost you later in your marriage. If you move forward, I have way more. Then it's on this list, but like I said, it just got too long.

And I didn't want to make this show last forever. Guys, you may have had a few of these conversations, but I'm positive you have not had all of them. Obviously this is a checklist for when you start to get really, really serious about that someone. When you start to have those giggle feelings that you've never experienced before, because this relationship is different and you're actually starting to contemplate, wow, this could be the one, but even if you're not that far in your relationship.

If you're aware of these conversations and that they're conversations that you need to have for a healthy relationship in the future, you can actually kind of work them in, a lot of them, [00:20:00] gently as the relationship builds instead of all at once. Instead of having to sit down and just have a long and drawn out conversation, you can work a lot of these in, in casual conversation along the way.

Chances are, no one ever told you you needed to talk about all these things together. So start working in the end as you date some people, you'll find out a lot of things that will help you put on relation breaks on relationships that, you know, have no future and save you some time. And it will help you to double down on the ones that you go, Hey, this could be the one over and over again.

I've seen relationships fail because several of these conversations never actually happened. And they found out a year, two years, three years, five years into their marriage that on some of these very important idea, ideals and questions, they were just not compatible at all. And it destroyed the marriage.

So there will be other conversations [00:21:00] you need to have along the way, but hopefully some of them are much more obvious than these, because a lot of people just don't know. They need to talk about these. So have the conversations you need to have, but make sure these are part of them. If you want to shot at happily ever after, make sure you cover these before you say I do before you ended up with a child, because then you're really connected to this and before it's too late to turn her away.

You may not know that, you know, she may be amazing. but have a couple little things that you just can't budge on or that she won't budge on. So you need to make sure you have these conversations before you say, I do. It gives you the best shot at happily ever after, and it will save you from losing half yourself in a divorce.

For more content to serve all your needs as men from relationships, personal development, be sure and like, and subscribe to the show. Join our exclusive [00:22:00] email newsletter. Down at the link below in the show notes and for more relationship advice Click the link in the show notes or the description for the next video and as always be better tomorrow because what you do today We'll see you on the next one.

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