Intentional Love: Crafting a Thriving Marriage Every Day

Intentional Love: Crafting a Thriving Marriage Every Day

D Brent Dowlen: [00:00:00] Do you love your spouse? I mean, really, do you love your spouse? Now, hopefully that's a pretty straightforward, easy answer for you. Maybe it's not, maybe you're having a bad day and you don't like your spouse as much today as you did yesterday. Uh, we all have those moments, but do you love her? If the answer is yes, what are you willing to do to not only Protect your marriage, but to fight for your marriage and make it better every single day.

Well, today, my special guest is Oliver Marcel from Denali LLC. Oliver and Denise are relationship and marriage coaches. And guys, this is where I go for marriage advice, where I go to get some insights to help my marriage. And so Oliver has been on the show before, but I wanted to bring back because the information that we're going to share today will make your marriage better.

If you truly care about your marriage. [00:01:00] So Oliver, welcome back to the Fowler man podcast.

Oliver Marcelle: Thank you, man. It's a pleasure to be here. I always am excited to have a conversation. Like our conversations are always great. So I know this would be no different. Thank you for, for having me. I appreciate it.

D Brent Dowlen: Oliver, right off the bat.

Let me ask you, what is the biggest threat to marriages in 2024 going into 2025 in your opinion?

Oliver Marcelle: Wow. So. That's a loaded question. I'm going to give you, I'm going to give you an umbrella answer. So there are, there are a few, there are a few things that answer that question, but they all fall under the umbrella of one word, and that's selfishness.

We are in, An age where everybody's looking to figure out what's in it for them, as opposed to how can they serve. [00:02:00] And that shows up, that manifests itself in many different things, that manifests itself in communication, that manifests itself in finances and how finances are dealt with, that manifests itself in the lack or inability to resolve conflict, uh, which can sometimes lead to other things.

But that, if I had to just wrap it in a bow. That bowl would be that we don't want to serve. We want to be self and that is drawing relationships.

D Brent Dowlen: Guys strap in for an episode. That's going to make major difference in your marriage. If you're open to hearing what we've got to say, let's get into it. Here's the million dollar question.

How do men like us reach our full potential growing to the men we dream of becoming while taking care of our responsibilities, working, living, being good husbands, fathers, and still take care of ourselves. Well, that's the big question. And in this podcast. We'll help you with those [00:03:00] answers and more. My name is Brent and welcome to the Fallible Man Podcast.

Welcome to the Fallible Man Podcast, where we dive into everything about being a better man, husband, and father. Big shout out to Fallible Nation, our long time loyal listeners, and a big welcome to all of you who are joining us for the first time. Guys, you are in for a special treat if this is your first time.

So thanks for giving us a chance. I know there's a lot fighting for your attention these days, and it means a lot from the bottom of my heart that you would hang out with us today. My name is Brent, and today my special guest is author, speaker, relationship and marriage coach, and my good friend, more importantly, Oliver Marcell.

Oliver, welcome back to the Fallible Man Podcast.

Oliver Marcelle: Thank you, good sir. It's a pleasure to be here. Man, we are, you already know Brent, how I feel about you. You are my, you are. So, actually, you know what, let me take that back. My wife just did a video saying, We need to say the words can't be like, well, you know, I love, right?

So let me say the words. Listen, Brent, you are my guy. 100 percent and I appreciate you [00:04:00] love great friend, great conversation, great encourager. Thank you for having me on the show.

D Brent Dowlen: Appreciate it. Oliver. I was going through my playlist for this year of guests. It's like, man, I just can't do a season without all of Ron.

It just Guys, Oliver and I have known each other for several years. Now, Oliver's been on the show multiple times because Oliver has so much to give the world of men, both as a men's coach who works with men and he wrote a great book called the man laws. This is what I get for going off script. I don't have it in front of me.

Uh, give me the right title. Cause I know I just screwed that up.

Oliver Marcelle: Overcoming the man

D Brent Dowlen: laws, overcoming the man laws. I actually have a copy of it back here on the bookshelf behind me and I should've just grabbed it. And we're going to have a great show about building stronger marriages say that I promise will bless your life.

Now, before we dive into the meat of today's show, guys, if you want to get to know Oliver better. There will be a separate video on my get to know our guests playlist on YouTube. Be sure and [00:05:00] check that out. And don't forget to grab your companion download for the episode. There's no cost, no email required.

You don't have to sign up for anything or give me anything. There's a link in the description to take you to my website. And there is a individual download to go with this episode to help make it easier to apply what you learned today and what we covered today. Because I know a lot of you are listening on your phone.

And you can't take notes cause you're on the car or whatever. So we have a download just for you. Like I said, no emails, no extras, just go download it. It will give you a high points and some actionable steps from today's show that will help you out in your marriage. Oliver, I still like to start kind of light.

So you ready for trivia?

Oliver Marcelle: Let's do it.

D Brent Dowlen: What country drinks the most amount of coffee per person annually? Is it Finland, Italy, Columbia, or the United States?

Oliver Marcelle: All right. So I'm going to go with, [00:06:00] uh, I'm gonna go with the United States.

D Brent Dowlen: All right. Now guys, you know the rules. Don't cheat. Don't fake it. Don't lie. Don't look it up. We'll come back to that later if anybody still cares at the end of the video. Oliver, today in your own words, right now in this moment, who is Oliver Marcell?

Oliver Marcelle: Man, Oliver Marcell is growing, right? In this moment. You said in this moment. In this moment, Oliver Marcell is a guy who is in a season of his life where he's recognizing that showing up The same way everywhere is vitally important to I am and so if I were to unpack that a little bit Um, I'm growing in my faith, I'm growing in my consistency as it relates to me wanting to be a man of integrity, [00:07:00] wanting to, uh, treat my wife a certain way to get a certain atmosphere around my, you know, my day to day life.

And that's who I am at this moment. You know, I, you know, I can talk about the, being the author and being the speaker and, you know, being the coach and that kind of thing. But. If I put all those things on the shelf for a second, in this moment, I'm that guy who is in, in a season of growth that is allowing me to develop the level of consistency that I think is necessary to be the type of man, husband that I should be.

Oliver,

D Brent Dowlen: tell us what it is

Oliver Marcelle: you

D Brent Dowlen: do normally.

Oliver Marcelle: What it is I do. So, uh, my day to day looks like coaching clients. Um, so we work with married couples, primarily every once in a while, I get the opportunity to maybe do a small corporate team as it, as it relates to relationship building, hopefully [00:08:00] that will grow.

Uh, as time goes on, but we work primarily with, with married couples. I also work with men. So we're, we're, we're coaching in, in a number of different areas under the relationship building umbrella. Um, I also speak for, uh, conferences and retreats and marriage seminars and things of that nature. And so that, that kind of is the bulk of what I do.

There's some things I do on the side as it relates to social media, content creation, and things of that nature. But. Um, the, the biggest part of my plate, uh, centers around coaching and speaking

D Brent Dowlen: all over what something everyone needs to know about you before we dig into the show today.

Oliver Marcelle: Um, I am, I'm a straight shooter and, and I find myself sometimes prefacing what I say with that because.

Often, what, what is [00:09:00] passion to me sometimes comes across doesn't come across that way to everybody. Um, real quick, I had, I just had an interesting situation. I was co facilitating a men's group a couple of weeks ago. And in this particular session, the men could bring their wives to this session. So there were ladies in the group and we're talking about a real heavy topic around relationship building.

And I said something and it wasn't something reckless or mean or anything like that, but just the way with the passion that it came out, uh, there was a lady in the group that really took it the wrong way. And it unfortunately kind of, kind of shifted the tone of the rest of the session. So listen, I'm, I mean, well, I want to see relationships thrive.

And sometimes the passion of that, [00:10:00] uh, can be misconstrued. So that's something you need to know about me.

D Brent Dowlen: Fair enough. Gentlemen, as they were diving into building strong marriages, all of our Indonesia shows and their counselor, where I go to get insights to nurture my merit, I've learned so much from them over the years.

And I promise this conversation is going to bless your marriage. We're going to roll our sponsor. We'll be right back with more from our Oliver Marcel.

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The fallible man. Yeah. Code TFM for up to 80 percent off your orders and free shipping over 75 for our listeners. Thanks Mike Lindell for that. We're going to go back to the show. Now, Oliver, [00:12:00] we're, we're seeing Gen Z and people shying away from committed relationships more and more. I'd just love to get your thoughts on that before we start diving further in today.

Oliver Marcelle: Yeah, we're definitely seeing that. We're definitely seeing an age where Jews are feeling like marriage is antiquated and feeling like, uh, committed relationships are only necessary for some level of transactional benefit, right? Um, and, and it's, it's, it's a tough mentality combat cause so much of what's happening in society supports that more than it supports covenant style relationship that we've been used to or, or, or have come up under in the past.

And, and, and for [00:13:00] me, you know, What I've decided to do, and I don't know necessarily this is the right way, but this is just me, my wife and I have just decided that, Hey, we're going to do our best to be impactful with bulls that we're blessed to serve. And prayerfully impact them in a way that causes some ripple effect.

Does looking at the big picture and trying to tackle, if you will, the big picture can daunting. So if we can have a couple that builds a, a healthy thriving relationship and they become the example to their circle, and maybe some thriving relationships come out of that and all these little pockets that happen based on the involvement that we've been able to have.

Then I, then, then I feel, I feel good about what's happening, but yeah, it's, it's a tough [00:14:00] mentality to, to deal with at this moment, because everything, a lot, I won't say everything, but a lot of what is taking place. Supports that ideology right now.

D Brent Dowlen: Yeah. We've seen a lot of negative trends in the last couple of years.

We'd like the, what's, what's that, that MGTOW movement. I hate that nonsense. I see that on YouTube all the time. I it's, it's such a poisonous mindset to me. Growing up, witnessing, loving marriages and relationships. And, you know, Sarah and I haven't had a perfect relationship, but we, we do our best and it's still such a cornerstone of everything I do.

I see these younger generations leaning that way. And it's like,

Music: Oh,

Oliver Marcelle: it's, I will say this though. I love the word you use the word trends, right? And I'm glad you [00:15:00] use that word because what often happens is that these trends come in way. And I do, I really feel like, I really feel like the, the next generation, the children of these folk are going to look at that structure and, and say, nah, that, that's not, that's not healthy, which hopefully will then swing the pendulum to a different trend.

And, and that's kind of. What happens if you think about it, right? You have, you know, the, the error where values were upheld and then you had the error, you had the love is free error and everybody was wiling out and then you had, it came into, you know, a little bit more structured and, and I, I think things come in waves.

So I love that you use that word trend and, and hopefully that's what we'll be looking at. We'll be looking at individuals who realize, wow, this has been very detrimental to [00:16:00] the fabric of society. And we haven't. We've been creating these things that worked for us primarily, but now have splintered community.

And how do we this cohesiveness back? And it's going to point back to the value add that a structured, healthy relationship and family can provide.

D Brent Dowlen: Now, I got to ask, since you're a marriage coach, we have to, you know, throw this out there because I I've run into relationship coaches who weren't in relationships, and that just blows my mind.

So for the ease of everybody. How long you and your lovely wife, Denise, been married?

Oliver Marcelle: We've been married for 24 years. Next year will be 25. And I'm only saying that because. I have to continue to remind myself because 25, I need to do something special, I believe. Uh, but yeah, we've been married for 24 years.

We've known each other for about 30, 30, yeah, almost 31 years. We've known each [00:17:00] other. So nice, good stretch. We've been

D Brent Dowlen: on. And guys, I, I actually know Denise. Like I can say this, there's no, there's no falsehood in this. Like they, they're actually, I love watching them together. They crack me up. Because they are adorable as a couple still, right?

20, 24 years of marriage. They're still very much in love. Uh, I, I enjoy being around them because it just being around other healthy couples reinforces your marriage. It encourages you. It helps you have a better perspective. And so they're one of the couples I love to spend time with. Uh, we don't get to do it in person very often, but even just, even just on a call, you can just feel like.

What to watch their videos on YouTube guys, like they are hilariously adorable. Uh,

Oliver Marcelle: so

D Brent Dowlen: much fun.

Oliver Marcelle: Yeah, we're, we're, I must say, man, we're having fun and, and you know, obviously it's a journey, right? So if, if we were to go back and talk about, you know, [00:18:00] the beginning, you know, there's, it's rough, it's rough seas, it's wild business, you know what I mean?

It's, it's crazy, right? But we've, I think what we've leaned into is that. We, we want to grow number one and number two, we're celebrating the growth. And so like, even in this season of life that we're in now, we're just looking for ways to really kind of keep it fun. We're not perfect now, less clear about that.

First of all, we're not perfect, but I think the thing that we have going for us is that we're always looking for what the lesson is so that we can kind of keep building. So we make some mistake. You know, I can tell you. You know, Niecy was mad at me last week for something that I did. So we're, we are, we are a regular couple, you know, but, but we're, we're

D Brent Dowlen: having a lot of fun in this season.

And, and gents, if your wife's not mad at you every now and then you're not there, there's [00:19:00] actually more wrong with the marriage. That's,

Oliver Marcelle: that's a red flag.

D Brent Dowlen: That was early on in Sarah and I's marriage. That was actually one of the problems we realized. Because in the early first couple years of our marriage, we never argued, we never fought.

We never had any problems. We were like, oh, yeah, we're perfect. And when, when the, when the hit came, it was huge. And it was because we ignored all the little things and didn't talk about them and didn't deal with them. And so the under, the, uh, It's like a duck sitting on a pond, you know, it looks perfectly tranquil, but his little feet are just kicking a mile a minute.

And there are trouble waters under there. So guys, if your wife's not mad at you every now and then you should probably get into the things.

Oliver Marcelle: Yeah. Check. Yeah. Yeah. Do, do, do a check in it in [00:20:00] and conflict is inevitable. Right. And I, you know, we have couples come to us and one of the goals that they have is that They want to, they want to eliminate.

And we're like, sorry, we can't help. And, you know, they're looking at it. They're looking at us like, wait a minute. You can't help us. No, we can't. Like conflict is inevitable. It's that's not, that's not what you're trying to avoid. What you're trying to do, the healthy, I say this all the time. The healthy couple is not characterized by the absence of conflict.

Healthy couple is characterized by how well you or how well and how quick you recognize, manage and recover from it.

D Brent Dowlen: Well, let me ask you while we're on that. What are you seeing in the marriage and relationship coaching right now as far as challenges that couples are facing? Right. Like I said, things are joint and friends.

So

Oliver Marcelle: [00:21:00] I am seeing, um, I've seen a couple of things I'm seeing, and I know it's going to sound cliche, but this is what we really are seeing. We're seeing a lot of couples who just are not talking. They're just not having conversation at all. Um, or if, if they're having conversation, it's very superficial. So there are, um, there are five levels, if you will, of conversation, right.

With level one being, uh, what would be the equivalent to hallway talk or water cooler talk, right. We're seeing a lot of couples who are not making it past level one or level two, which is reporter talk, which is just the facts. How was your day to day? Fine. What do you want to eat for dinner? Chinese food.

Like, we're, we're seeing a lot of couples who aren't making it past level two. Um, [00:22:00] and often in those lower levels is where, Um, conflict and arguments happen the most. And so now they're stuck in that loop because they're not making it past, you know, they're not making it into the upper levels because they're not making it into upper levels.

They're stuck in these loops of conflict. Um, and so that's, that's a big thing that I'm seeing. I think the other thing that I would say I'm seeing is that they're the lack of connection. We're not, we're not taking time to really build. and maintain an intimate connection. And I'm not just talking about sex.

I'm talking about just the bond that you have between you and your mate that just allows you to navigate life in a certain way. Those are some of the things we're just not seeing anymore.

D Brent Dowlen: The connection bit is harder and harder to say, as I feel like, because everybody's always in a rush. Everybody is so overscheduled.[00:23:00]

Everybody is just moving from one thing to the next. Uh, I know economically things have been hard the last couple of years for a lot of families. And so, right, everybody's just digging in and trying to survive. We're going into a survival mode as opposed to a drive mode, which tends to shortcut the communication and the connection.

Do you think that is influencing that friend or?

Oliver Marcelle: I do. I do think it's influencing it. And, and, and we were just having a conversation, uh, last night on our YouTube show, we're talking about. The fact that there's some intention that has to go behind us, because let's face it, we are inundated with all of these things.

If kids, if you are nurturing careers and building careers, if you, you know, if you're involved in church, like all of these different things are pulling for your time, they're pulling for your [00:24:00] attention. It's very easy to get into a space where you are just surviving. It's very easy to get into a space where you don't feel as connected.

You are just, uh, matter of fact, the show from last night, the question of the week was talking about how do we reconnect when we feel like we're, uh, just coexisting. And it's easy to get to that space where you're just coexisting because of everything else that's happening. But there's some intention you gotta put behind it.

That level of connection and it doesn't have to look like what we think it needs to look like. And I was saying in the show last night, I'm guilty of this, right? We're proponents of date night and I'm guilty to this day. I'm guilty of this. If I can't do what I'd like to do, or if I can't spend what I'd like to spend, like I will just bobble date night and we'll end [00:25:00] up on the couch watching TV, right?

And you just can't do that. You don't. It doesn't have to look like me going to a five star restaurant and a nice show. Look like us going for a drive and getting some french fries and having a, have a phenomenal conversation. And

Music: it doesn't have

Oliver Marcelle: to look like what you think needs to look like. You just need to have some intention behind it.

And ending up at Target. And yeah, you see, you, you, you know my wife very well. Yes, and ending up at Target.

D Brent Dowlen: Sorry, I couldn't, I couldn't, you guys have always cracked me up. Uh, but you guys end up going for a drive and it targets so often, but it, you know, I, I was doing an episode on finding your thing is a couple, right?

And it's funny to me because it seems odd, but you guys have found this thing and it doesn't look like [00:26:00] everybody else's thing, but I've heard you guys talk over and over again about. Going for drives and you always end up at Target after the drive, right? And but you found this thing and it doesn't look like what most people would think a great night is Yeah But it's your thing and it works and it builds your

Oliver Marcelle: merit.

Yep. And that's the key. It works. You gotta find what works. And you also, and that's why I tell people, it really doesn't have to look like anybody else. To work, and it has to accomplish the goal. And the goal is that you're trying to build and maintain a bond. So, if you, whatever you're doing, if it is building and maintaining this bond that allows you to turn towards each other and allows you to grow together and causes you to just feel [00:27:00] this, this pull that you just want to learn more about this person and you want to connect it to this person and you want to make sure that.

Uh, that the health of the relationship is strong enough to withstand all these other things. Whatever you're doing that contributes to that, that's your thing. And it doesn't have to look like Brent's thing, it doesn't have to look like my thing, it's gotta look like your thing.

D Brent Dowlen: Right. Not every, Sarah and I, Sarah and I get coffee and go to the gun ring, right?

There you go. Doesn't look like everybody else's thing. But it's definitely our thing. Everybody's got to find that. What is currently tripping up men the most in marriages right now, do you think?

Oliver Marcelle: I'm seeing a couple different things. Um, talked about, you know, the ideology around relationships right now and where it's going.

Um, that's tripping up men. Because [00:28:00] as men, many of us are taught that our role, and I'm doing that in air quotes, Uh, requires some things and what we're seeing in society now is making men question whether those things are necessary or not. And so you're seeing a lot of men who are either on eggshells because they're not sure how they fit into this marital space.

Or They're overcompensated in a way that causes them to, uh, more like dictator than a teammate. And so just finding that balance. And again, going back to what we were saying about the intimacy building thing, it doesn't have to look like how you think it has to look right. You have to come up with a system.

[00:29:00] If you're on a team, the best way to be successful on that team is to understand your teammates. And then understand how your contribution lends to the success of that team. So if I come on a team with you and some other guys, and I come in with this ideology that, okay, I already know what I do and I already know who I am.

And y'all are just going to have to do what I say. We're, we're not going to have the great team or on the other end of that spectrum, if I come on the team and I have no idea what my contribution is. I'm timid about it. I'm apprehensive about it. I'm not going to be a good teammate. And so, you know, a lot of the guys that I'm talking to now, um, I'm working through creating a level of balance that allows them to show up confident.

But not [00:30:00] cocky allows them to show up with a level of compassion that doesn't make them feel like they're cowering and finding that doing that delicate dance to find that that balance. That's that's a lot of what I'm seeing personally right now.

D Brent Dowlen: Oliver, we're heading to the holiday stretch right now and holidays get crazy for a lot of reasons.

Some people love them, some people hate there's a lot of emotions, both positive and negative during this unique strut from Halloween to the New Year's. There's a lot on top of our normal plate. Any special concerns we should tackle at this time of year as couples?

Oliver Marcelle: I think it's I think it's important just to really check in with each other and and know how the other is feeling.

Be able to [00:31:00] recognize whether there's any anxieties around this. Um, and really kind of tap into, uh, what do you need? You know, um, my wife and I have kind of gone through this because I'm not a Christmas person. And for a long time, we never. In the beginning, we never really talked about the why behind that, and what is it that I feel in that space that makes me react the way I do.

And then once we had that conversation, now when we come into these, you know, times, now we know how to serve each other, we know how to help each other, we know how to talk to each other, we know how to encourage or back off. Whatever it may be. Right. But you have to be able to have those conversations.

You got to be able to check in. Hey, how are you feeling about this? Um, and understanding the why, not just knowing their position, but knowing what is the interest? What is the, why, why is this a issue? How can [00:32:00] I help, you know, you to navigate this more successfully? What can I do? Like you always gotta be in kind of that service mode.

And so if you're doing that and you're checking in periodically, now it becomes this team effort in this team approach. And that, that tends to help.

D Brent Dowlen: We're, we're going to move into a different segment in a minute, but before we do, what are the top three marriage killers?

Oliver Marcelle: Top three marriage killers. Um, one would be lack of communication. Um, the other would be selflessness. And if I had to pick a third,

I'd say that the third would be, um, lack of knowledge. There's so many couples who, if they would just, [00:33:00] if they would just take the time to learn each other, it would open up a whole different world to them. Like, just take the time to, instead of looking at things as flicting, change your perspective. And when you run up, when you run up on something that maybe doesn't look right, doesn't feel right, doesn't make sense.

That is now an opportunity for you to learn something and if you would just change your perspective and be like, okay What can I learn from this? What questions should I ask my spouse? What can I glean from this experience that would allow me to craft some strategy for the future? It's a game changer.

Lack of knowledge. That's a big one.

D Brent Dowlen: Now guys, we've been discussing marriage. What's going on in marriage right now. What kind of the The temperature, I'm not, I'm not even using the right word. A marriage is right now, the climate, there we go. The climate of marriage is, uh, in [00:34:00] 2024 and some of the problems that people encounter that Oliver's run into in his coaching.

In this part of the show, we're going to dive into some advice to strengthen and grow your marriage. Now, I wanted to point out in that last bit, Oliver was sharing things that kill marriages. If you notice, none of those things were external. None of those things were outside. None of those things were things that are out of your control.

Because we know that everything that we need to focus on is right there on ourselves. So all three of those issues stem from something that you can control, you have control over, that you can fix in yourself and in your relationship. You can take responsibility for it. So understand your marriage is everything.

Absolutely still in your control. If you're willing to put on the work now, Oliver, let's talk cornerstones because I'm going to be this metaphor to death. What are four foundational cornerstones required to build a strong marriage? Because everything [00:35:00] needs a solid foundation. So what four things? Really build a strong foundation for a marriage.

Oliver Marcelle: Um, there's a few. I would say one that, that is important is understanding who you are. And often we don't think about that because when we think about building a healthy relationship, we're always thinking about, okay, what does the other person need to do? How does the relationship need to look at? We're looking at some external factors, but I want you to look internal for a second.

Who are you? Like, do you know how you like to be communicated to? Do you know how you receive love? Do you know, uh, what, uh, is important? Do you know your most important emotional needs? Like, take some time to really investigate and [00:36:00] know those things about yourself. Because you having some indication and some idea around that is going to be so helpful.

If you both are doing that, when you come to the table, it's With that information, that's going to be so helpful. So one, know who you are pivotal foundational. The other thing is be able to articulate

because often we know what we want, but we never say what we want. And so hence we went into these, these situations where expectations aren't met, but they were never articulated. So. And that falls under the communication umbrella, like you need to be able to have conversation, you need to be able to dialogue, you need to be able to share, you need to be able to articulate what you're thinking, what you're feeling.

Um, the other thing is, um, you need to really work [00:37:00] through, uh, some commonality. There's seven things that came to my mind when you asked that question, so I'm trying to pick the four that I think. Um, there has to be some level of commonality, and here's what I mean by that. I'm not saying you both got to like the same things and you both got to eat the same thing.

I'm not. That's not necessarily what I mean. If you do that, that's fine. But there needs to be a common ground. We talk to couples all the time about having a marriage mission statement. There needs to be something that focuses you both in the same direction. Here are our goals as a couple. Here's how we want to live as a couple.

Here's what we want to be. Known for, so to speak, here's the tone we want to set. Here's the atmosphere that we want to live in. Like you should have those things, like those things should be established. Um, and then I'd say number [00:38:00] four, uh, number four would be, uh, experiential intimacy. And that is the thing that's going to help you build your bond.

Because the bond is really what's going to carry you through all of this. Right? So experiential intimacy allows you to build a bond through experiences. And those experiences can be as simple as cooking a meal together. Or as elaborate as going to Dubai for a week. Whatever, you know, and everything in between.

Whatever you can, wherever you fall on that spectrum is good. But you need to be consistent. And in those experiences, because the consistency in those experiences helps to establish the bond, reinforces

D Brent Dowlen: all of the other things that I just talked about. And guys, let me reiterate again. You have to find your things because you can not look.

You can go to a show like this. [00:39:00] You can look up and read books and get ideas of things to try and experience together. No going into that. It could be really fabulous or it could be a complete disaster. Which is actually almost just as much fun if not more to bond over sometimes right a bad date It's just like horribly bad.

Everything goes south can actually be more bonding and entertaining than a really great date But understand that just because you read it in a book or had someone had suggested Hey, this is a great idea. Like I'd like said my wife coffee and I coffee and and the gun range That's a great day for us. It may not be your thing.

You mentioned cooking together. I'm a huge advocate. I love to cook My wife and I in the kitchen together is not usually a bonding experience because she's not and I feel like I'm tripping over her and then I just get frustrated. So, you know, it sounds really romantic. It looks really romantic in the movies.

For some people, it [00:40:00] might be for other people. It can be a complete disaster. Like in my marriage, our marriage tastes healthier if we stay out of the kitchen together, which it makes me sad because I love to cook. But Right. Find, find those things when he talks about that experiential intimacy. And, and that's a good point.

Oliver Marcelle: That's a good point too, because that, that speaks to what I first thing that I said, like, you got to know yourself, right? You got to take time and, and, and knowing that, Hey, that's not my thing. That's not how I receive love. That's not how I want to communicate it to you, whatever those things are. And that can help when it's time to really identify what your thing is, because now, you know, more and you can lend more information.

to crafting whatever that level of strategy is.

D Brent Dowlen: So let's move on to the walls of our foundation, right? We have the foundation. What are some things we can do to build some protective walls around our marriage heading into 2025?

Oliver Marcelle: Man, you have [00:41:00] to be willing to, you have to be willing to work through things as a team.

Have to be willing to work through things as a team. So if you're, if you're building, I love the building analogy, right? Talk about walls. So I use a lot of home analogies, right? So you build the foundation. You're starting to put up the walls, you have to insulate those walls. There's some coverings that go on those walls.

There's some different things that happen throughout that process, right? So, as you're, as you're putting those things together, and you're having conversations about what the needs are, and you're identifying the needs, and you're identifying why the need is important, and how it benefits the marital team, and What you can do to contribute to that, you now have to start putting those things in place in a very consistent way, [00:42:00] because what that does is help to build trust.

And that trust is a very protective layer around your relationship. If you trust your spouse and you know that your spouse has your best interests at heart, because of the conversations that you've had, because of the things you've put in place, because of the consistency that's taking place, You're going to build a level of trust that can be that protective layer.

As that trust grows, now you're adding on to that a, um, a layer of growth. So as that trust grows, now it's about, okay, how, how, what, how do we pull the lessons from the things that we're going through? How do we apply the lessons from the things that we're going through? How do we solve or resolve any things that are happening based on what we're going through?

And you're willing to do that as a [00:43:00] team now because you've established that level of trust through the consistency that you have been, uh, that you've been building up in terms of building those walls around. So hopefully that makes sense. I'm trying to keep it within the analogy.

D Brent Dowlen: Well, that's cause I decided I was going to beat this analogy to death today.

Cause you're gonna love this next one. Right? So now we've got to put a roof on, keep out the outside barrage of weather snow. I live in a cold area. I don't know how it is out in Baltimore, but, uh, it's, it's dropping, you know, below freezing at night. Uh, we got some nice icy rain this morning. Nice and cold and wet.

So what kind of daily maintenance things should we be doing to keep our marriage healthy and protect us from the outside world?

Oliver Marcelle: So there's a phrase that I say, right. Um, and I'm not saying this is the entire route, but I'm just, I'm going to say it because it's kind of comical. And it'll help me answer the question.

I say this often. I say, uh, sex is like the roof of the house [00:44:00] And often we try to make that the foundation. I've never seen anybody build a house from the roof down So if I go through the seven things, it'll kind of answer this question So there has to be some level of as we're building there has to be some level of faith Now faith could be one, excuse me, one of two things trying to get over this cold Faith could be one of two things faith could be Faith as in the, in the faith based religious context, faith could also be this level of carbonality that you experience between the two of them.

That's foundational, right? Then you got to know how to communicate. Learning how to communicate then helps you to resolve conflict. On the heels of resolving conflict is forgiveness. You got to know how to forgive, [00:45:00] resolve. Once you know how to forgive, And you're comfortable with forgiveness, and that's a part of your routine.

Start building trust, like we talked about. You're building trust, you are developing this relationship with this person, you want to spend time with them. So the leisure activity comes into place. And that, everything falls under that umbrella. The intimacy building, the experience with intimacy, all of that falls under that umbrella.

Then all of those things now culminate in just a wonderful physical intimacy, sexual intimacy experience. So to answer your question, roof of the house, you need the roof. If you think of the roof as a covering, right? The roof of the house is the covering. The roof of the house is the thing that keeps you from getting rained on.

It's raining. It was raining a little bit earlier today. And if there was no roof, I'd be doing this in the rain. [00:46:00] So, so it protects you from the elements. It also allows you to keep the stuff that's inside protected as well. Right? So what does that protection look like you and your family? That may look like you all having a weekly month, quarterly meetings around the direction that life is going in.

And what things do we need to incorporate? What things do we need to adjust? That may look like date nights that may look like, um, going to conferences or, uh, reading books, going to seminars, uh, watching Brits show. What are you doing now that Yates that covering over everything that you're putting together [00:47:00] so that external elements can't come in and wreak havoc.

And you got to find what though it may be a combination of all of those things. Yeah. But those are the periodic consistent things that you're going to do to ensure that you're covering is there and that the, the, the, uh, relationship that you're building being protected. So those are, those are a few things.

There are many, but I just named a few just to kind of get the ball rolling.

D Brent Dowlen: Now guys, to begin something out of this, do us a favor, be sure and click the like button, subscribe, leave a comment on whatever platform you're on. We'd love to hear what you have to say. Leave us review on podcasts, Apple podcasts, or wherever you can leave us reviews.

That really helps the show get more visibility so we can reach more people and help more relationships and help more men grow. Uh, I know I'm getting a lot out of this, but I always do. That's why I don't subscribe to a lot of YouTube channels. I subscribe to Oliver's YouTube channel. That's part of my regular [00:48:00] check in for that maintenance.

Uh, is I keep learning my wife and I actively prior to do a, some kind of marriage class, whether it's a retreat or a class series through our church or something, uh, every year. To main help maintain our relationship, but on a more daily weekly kind of basis One of the things I do is I actually watch a lot of your videos.

So love what you're doing there, by the way Thank you. What are Three things that our listeners today right when they finish this podcast. What are three things they should do right now, right? Go home I know some of you are probably at work listening this When you go home today, what are three things right now today that they can do to nurture their relationship when they get home?

Oliver Marcelle: First thing, real simple, let, let your spouse know how you feel about them. We often go through so many days, so many weeks, sometimes months without [00:49:00] actually going to our spouse and say, man, you know what? I really appreciate you for, and you fill in the blank. I really love because and fill in the blank, man, I was thinking about you today and you mean so much to me.

Thank you for all that you have done. Thank you for sticking by me. Thank you for whatever it is. That's number one. Let me just go home.

D Brent Dowlen: Let me, let me interrupt real quick guys. Not sure. Not the obligatory. Love you, baby.

Oliver Marcelle: Yeah. Right. Right. Exactly. It's not like, it's not yet. Not, it's not just so you can get it out of the way.

I mean, this is heartfelt. This is gratitude. This is affirmation. Uh, this is verbal reinforcement. Let them know what they mean to you. Let them know that you're grateful to have them on team. Let them know that you love them. You care for them. Let them know, Hey, listen, if you need to be honest and say, Hey, listen, [00:50:00] I, maybe I haven't been as support supportive as I probably could have been.

And I want to know how I can support, because this is how I feel about you. And I want you to know that. So, that's the first thing. Say something. Say something. Excuse me. The second thing would be, um, carve out some intentional time. Carve out some intentional time. And I'm not, I'm not, I'm not saying you gotta, you know, it has to be hours and hours and hours, but carve out some intentional time where the two of you are literally just focused on being with each other.

And that could be anything. I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna limit that to anything. I mean, that could be, maybe you haven't sat down on the couch together And watch the sitcom in the last six months, take out the 30 minutes and do that, or you haven't sat out on the [00:51:00] back porch and watch the sunset in eons.

Take 15 minutes and do that. Or you haven't walked around the block. In six months, do that. Or you haven't taken it, whatever it is, right? Carve out some intentional time where it's not, Oh, it's not a, it's not an afterthought or it's not, Oh, let me squeeze this in. No, this is, Hey, listen, babe, what are you doing at two 30?

You got 30 minutes. Okay. So from two 30 to three, here's where we're doing. Here's what we're doing. Here's where we're going. Here's what we're going to talk about. Here's carve out some intentional time. You'll be surprised. Okay. Just how that little bit of time, the endorphins, the atmosphere, how it will be impacted just by taking that little bit of time.

That's number two. Number three, I would say number three would be, [00:52:00] um, do, do something out of the, do something out of the ordinary. Like think outside of the box. Um, does your wife like flowers and you haven't bought her flowers in a year? Show up with a couple roses. Um, my wife, the other day, she, um, she, she likes these, uh, sugar free Reese's peanut butter cup.

And they're not that easy to find, right? So I happen to be in the store. And lo and behold, I'm walking down the candy aisle and I didn't even in my mind, I'm like, let me just walk down this candy aisle. I know they're not going to be there because they never are. Lo and behold, they're there. I grab them.

I grabbed two bags, matter of fact, because I'm like, I may never see these again. So grab two of them, just little things like do something. Here's how I put it. Make a gesture. That's what I'll say. Make a gesture that is either a gesture you've never made before [00:53:00] or something you haven't done in a long time.

Three very simple things

D Brent Dowlen: that you could do today. Now guys, we're going to start laying in this airplane because I could talk to Oliver all day. In fact, we'll probably stop recording and continue talking for a while after this, but tell us all, or what are you actually working on developing right now?

Oliver Marcelle: Uh, right now we are about to announce the date for our next group coaching cohort.

We do a six week group coaching cohort called make love better. It's a play on words. It's not just about sex. It's about making your entire experience marital experience better by learning how to communicate on extraordinary level, recognize, manage and recover from conflict in record time and build a holistic, intimate bond.

So we're Uh, working on that now, getting ready for that cohort. Uh, we are also, um, looking at [00:54:00] creating a workshop. So we, I did a workshop recently with Dr. Arthur Branner on communication, connection, and forgiveness. And it was kind of a pilot thing. We just wanted to test it out, see how, how it would go.

And it was phenomenal. So we will be doing, uh, another workshop coming up soon. Hopefully. Uh, in a hybrid form so that we can have individuals, uh, to tune in from, from all over.

D Brent Dowlen: You guys are always doing an interesting thing. I, I really do love what you guys do.

Oliver Marcelle: Man. Thank you. Appreciate you. And I appreciate your support.

Like Brent is, Brent is a good guy. Brent, Brent is, is one of those folks that is always, you know, rooting, rooting for us and, and always, uh, been supportive, man. So I, I,

D Brent Dowlen: I really appreciate that. Hey, you're the only merchandise I wear besides mine because I'm looking at your shirt and I love the [00:55:00] shirt. I got the shirt, so.

Oliver Marcelle: That's right, you do. Yeah, and I merchandise

D Brent Dowlen: I wear besides mine, so.

Oliver Marcelle: Yeah, and that means a lot. That means a great deal, man.

D Brent Dowlen: Where's the best place for people to find

Oliver Marcelle: you? Best place, uh, well, if you're a social media person, the handle is, uh, at Denali LLC. That's everywhere on social media. Pretty much. Uh, if you're an email person, you can email admin, a D M I N at the Nali.

org, which is also the website, the Nali. org. So those are a couple of options that you have to connect with us.

D Brent Dowlen: Now, I know all of you who are tuned in and still with us really give a crap about. Coffee drinks, who drinks the most coffee per person, whether it was Finland, Italy, Columbia, the United States, and you said the United States.

And honestly, that's what I would have thought because, uh, I've been up since four. I've had an energy drink. You and I've been drinking coffee this entire time while we've been on, but Finland [00:56:00] actually has the record. Apparently Finland, Finnish people like their coffee even more than we do, which just blows my mind.

I, I, I live in Washington and like coffee is a life. Here. Uh, I don't know how it is in Baltimore, but I mean, I, I've been living in a small town in Eastern Washington. Less than 10, 000 people easily. And we still have, I think, I think we're up to five or six coffee stands and two coffee shops.

Oliver Marcelle: Wow. Right.

See,

D Brent Dowlen: this is a, this is a small community guys. I don't, I don't even live in like the Western Seattle proper area ever where you can throw a rock and hit a coffee shop and we still have. More coffee shops than we really have people for. Um, but yeah, that's why

Oliver Marcelle: I thought, that's why I thought the U S cause I'm, I'm thinking just in my small neighborhood too, like, you know, in, in the Randallstown area, there's coffee shops [00:57:00] everywhere.

Like you have multiple opportunities to get coffee. If you don't like how

D Brent Dowlen: one store does, you just go to a different one. I mean, it's, it's crazy, but yes, apparently the Finns love their coffee more than we do, so hats off to Finland. I may have something to learn from them. I'm have to go. Yes.

Oliver Marcelle: Yeah. I have to take a trip.

D Brent Dowlen: Oliver, if the audience heard nothing else today, what is the most important takeaway you want people to hear today?

Oliver Marcelle: Excuse me. Be intentional about your relationship. Be intentional about your relationship. Actually want thrive because that's like half the battle. Waking up in the morning and saying to yourself, man, I.

Want our relationship to thrive. What do I need to do in order to do that

D Brent Dowlen: guys for myself and all other thanks for how? Hanging out with us today [00:58:00] be intentional about your marriage if you want to make it better and be better tomorrow because what you do Today we'll see you soon.

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